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caveat emptor

I have never been freer from the desire to form part of a couple than I am today.

I attribute this feeling to the fatigue and disenchantment of having experienced relationships that didn’t work but also from coming closest to being the person I should have always been all along and now don't want to tamper with.

I don’t envy the partners of older transgender people. We who have taken so long to come to terms can compare our progress to a patiently moving snail. We lurch along to finally come to a resting point that often surprises the partner who justifiably can claim false advertising, but even sometimes ourselves who were certain that place was elsewhere on the spectrum.

In my case being transgender wasn’t really what ended each relationship but not being able to be fully myself complicated matters by adding a layer of stress that I didn’t need and amounted to me feeling like an important part of who I was need not manifest itself. In other words, I felt I needed to make sure it stayed compartmentalized and out of view.

This is not to assign blame as much as to point out the reality that if the partner is in any way uncomfortable with your identity, you will feel this discomfort at times in a very palpable way. But now I am truly at ease with a way of living that I won't roll back for anyone because one doesn't negotiate an identity.

So my advice to potential partners would be "caveat emptor" (buyer beware) and to the transgender person I would say “know thyself” as soon as possible so you can be your true self right from the start. In that regard, I am so glad for today's youth for they will be able to tackle their dysphoria head on much earlier in life and avoid this type of scenario.

I have now been writing this blog for almost 5 years and I have come a long way since then. Hopefully I will have many years still to go living as myself.


  1. My point of view is that more than most going into a new loving relationship, we (the transgendered) have a responsibility to be totally open about this very complex aspect of our lives. We might not even be able to explain it perfectly, but we mustn't ever try to minimize it for them. Being honest might be the hardest way to start a relationship; it might chase them away completely - so be it. Beginning a new relationship based upon a lie (or an omission) is many times worse.
    I will say it has worked for me.
    It makes me happy to read you are free from the desire to couple, but never say never about finding love Joanna.

    1. thanks as usual for the words of wisdom Halle and yes I agree with you. I am not feeling hopelessness but just a sense of detachment from wanting and yes I will remain open.....

    2. I fully agree. 20+ years ago while my fiancé (soon to be ex-wife) and I were dating I told her about my crossdressing. She was upset and I agreed to throw the clothes away and never do that again. I honestly tried but utterly failed. I swear I won't do that again.


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