Skip to main content


I was listening to the program Tapestry on CBC radio on Sunday and there was a fascinating guest on. His name is Robert Hoge and he was born with a facial tumor.

His eyes were shifted dramatically to each side of his face and his mother was shocked to see her newborn baby boy and wondered what life would be like for him. His parents did their best to raise him as a normal child and he underwent a series of painful operations to make him as acceptable as possible to society.

Robert sounds like a well-grounded and intelligent man who understands the price of being or looking different and has written a book about it called "Ugly: My Memoir". Even now grown men and women will ask him questions without the slightest bit of tact. Some are genuinely curious and don’t mean any harm while others are simply cruel.

He has two daughters who love him and he expected that one day one or both would come to a stage where they would be embarrassed by him. It never happened.

But still, we live in a world where you must develop a sense of yourself and become as immune as you can to the slings and arrows that you will face.

I myself learnt this lesson early because I was born with a defect of the ears which had them jug out and as result I was insulted by children and adults alike until I had an operation at the age of 7 to correct them. The education in the mean spirited nature of some people probably helped keep my dysphoria a secret all the longer because I feared rejection.

Today both my children love me for who I am and that is all we can hope for and regardless of what the world thinks of you, it is important that this internal respect for your dignity as a human be your guiding compass and never mind what the world thinks.

I know Robert doesn’t.


  1. Good post, good point.

    Most humans are insecure and rely heavily on the opinions of others. But when you're visibly different and subject to ridicule, you have to deal with that one way or another. When you're different but not obviously so, you get to choose whether or not to expose yourself to opprobrium. Thanks for sharing your struggle with both.

    My reaction to being transgender was, at an early age, to reject the opinions of others. From ages 10-13 I deeply studied the issue and realized even experts didn't understand this condition -- and the average person was clueless. I knew in my heart there was nothing wrong with me so their judgment (individually or collectively) was meaningless.

    1. You are welcome and I wish I had been as fortunate as you in understanding myself sooner. I fought back very hard against being transgender and wasted many years of energy. I have become as educated on this issue as one can get and have come to your same conclusion.

      What i fight against now is ignorance and the academic hubris of the "so called" experts who presume they understand what makes us tick but clearly do not.

      In that sense my blog is mostly about justice and tolerance for all.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…