Skip to main content

a problem for our times

I clicked on one of those videos that pops up on your YouTube homepage.

It was a TED talk on how to cope in a sexless marriage; what happens when one doesn't have the same libido as the other partner and how to deal with the frustration and hurt feelings that inevitably follow. It reminded me how intrinsically complicated human relationships are.

In fact I don’t believe there is anything more steeped in mystery than a couple trying to wade through life with a coherent vision that allows for their marital longevity. At least I cannot claim any personal understanding.

This woman, who professed a certain expertise in dealing with marriages that were faltering saw her parents' disintegrate after 23 years of never fighting; her mother surprised the family one day by saying she wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. The TED talk audience was told that this had helped her decide her life calling where she could deal with these marital problems of communication and had a certain success rate with these entanglements of emotion. However, as I listened I remained skeptical throughout.

I continue to think these problems are false modern day creations about how people expect life to go.

Even without the emotions and irrationality that are an inherent part of humanity, life is complicated enough on its own. We are thrown curve balls of illness, job loss, natural disasters which threaten to overthrow our sanity at times. To that we add expectation about what a partner should be doing for us and our demands for love and attention.

Except we enter relationships already damaged by our infancy and the things we have witnessed. We have been coloured by our familial experience and then we meet another who has lived a different set of circumstances and expect that they will understand us. If one reflects on it that way it is almost comical.

The concept of a soulmate is a false creation of late 20th century middle-class existence from people who had stopped worrying about how to struggle to put food on the table to feed their children. It was only exacerbated as we moved into the more narcissistic society that we live in today where our attention spans shrivel away and personal wants take a back seat to very little else.

Those couples from a bygone era had more basic needs which necessitated convergence borne out of their shared challenge. They had more important things to think about than how many times a month one had sex. It's not that intercourse is bad, far from it, it's just that it's focus became disproportionate in our modern culture as a gauge for marital health and a measure of grounds for its dissolution.

Those people also likely found a grounding in a shared faith in a God who they hoped would provide answers to the prayers they mouthed silently as they drifted off to sleep.

As I reflected on this I found I could not continue to watch the rest of the video.


Popular posts from this blog

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…