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culmination

Would I ever live full time? This is a question I have asked myself of late.

I have no strong desire to tamper with my body and I don't think that hormones would add any more authenticity to my transgender nature. I mostly “pass” in the eyes of society although that doesn't really matter that much to me. So I suppose the only question remaining is whether I would ever transition socially to full time.

One reason to do that would be to live and dress the way I want all the time and not need to switch back and forth. Not that I hide very much these days as I am out to anyone who matters to me. My daughter over breakfast the other day said she would get used to the change and was relieved to hear that no matter what I would always be her dad. My son didn't have that much to say which was negative but also chimed in that it would be an adjustment. I don't want to surprise them in any way as they deserve to be part of my thought process on this.

There is no internal conflict these days but more of a reflection that will take the time it needs. Maybe there will be a eureka moment one day when everything snaps into place or perhaps the culmination of thoughts building to an inevitable and almost anticlimactic conclusion. Then again it might be the status quo which prevails.

I used to think that being the way I am equates to being a failed man and maybe that's what being transgender ultimately is: neither a perfect man or a perfect woman. I know I have tried my best to fulfill the role that was expected of me and I have no regrets about it but after a while we just get tired of trying to measure up to someone else's idea about how live one's life.

Sometimes it seems my entire existence has been a slow build up towards the reflection process I am mired in right now.

Comments

  1. I've been told that - difficult as this may be to actually do - the key is to trust one's gut instinct. And maybe the context for that is what you (or me) will think when one day we're at the end of life and want to be able to look back with satisfaction and minimal regrets. Easy to say, hard to really read our instincts.

    I'm way behind you in your experience but have recently had a three-day immersion. Some of my thoughts:
    - I felt totally comfortable wearing the women's clothing that I have, mostly skirts and skinny-pants, along with tops. It just felt right.

    - I passed very well according to others. As you say it not such a big deal but then again it's important. But my voice needs work.

    - I don't care for wearing a wig. It's hot and I can tell that I'd much prefer to just wear my own hair. Thankfully mine is still thick and covers enough that I was assured I can grow it out, so that's my plan.

    - I don't mind make-up but I really want to go for the minimum - like cis women. I learned a lot about skin care so I intend to follow a daily/weekly regimen for my face, eyes, and lips.

    - I am a bit sad now that this experience is over. On the one hand I'm really tired of the "taking sips from a firehose" of learning. But I so much enjoyed just being me. I feel that the real me was out there.

    - I had dinner with a small group of trans women who get together several times each week. They were very nice and I enjoyed them. I would love to spend more time with them but unlike them I don't see myself getting all dolled up several times a week to be able to socialize. I just want to blend in as me.

    To me the most telling gut feel came the other day when I asked myself if I'd like to transition. At first I was unable to answer; too many conflicting emotions, low signal to noise ratio. But after watching a movie when my mind was clear I realized "Of course, who wouldn't?" To me the 'who wouldn't?' was telling in that we all know that most would not want to but I sure would love it.

    But these are just little data points. The trick I think is to gather them up calmly over time and see if the feelings tend to converge.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Emma you will find that over time you find your own look and comfort zone and become more at ease presenting as you want and no getting dolled up once a week to meet another group of people doesn't sound appealing to me either; best to immerse in the real world.

      I am gathering up my own data points and reflecting without hurry and the answer will come on its own or I will evolve towards it perhaps who knows.

      Delete
  2. This seems like a momentous message, a significant milestone on your journey. Have you reached a tipping-point? Are you at the bank of the Rubicon or have I got that wrong?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am chewing things over Kati let's put it that way...

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