Skip to main content

"Joanna do you have a hormone problem?"

“Joanna do you have a hormone problem?”

Asks Grace who has known me for about 5 years and works at a department store cosmetics counter apparently and has always wondered whether I was born a boy but only today finds the courage to ask. I told her to be perfectly at ease.

It must be said that I did not present quite as well back then as I do now and occasionally would miss stray chest hairs. She must have seen those and just never said anything.

“Clearly you are a woman but you are large and you have hair”

She mentions my voice and my demeanor as bolstering her confidence.

Later when I got home I noticed one or two strays on my chest I had missed and made a mental note to never let that happen again. I chalk that up to declining vision and need to wear my glasses and make sure. For the record I have very little chest hair to begin with but that is no excuse for laziness.

I didn’t go into my history with Grace as I rarely see her but I probably should have. She is a middle east Christian who I am not sure would understand about being transgender. So all this time she had a nagging doubt but only now thought to explore. Maybe it was because I was particularly chatty and comfortable that day.

I thought later about those cis women who sometimes get mistaken for transgender women in this new environment. People are no longer sure what they are seeing because the spectrum has become larger than just the old binary. Some transgender women fall completely off the radar because they are so beautiful and so feminine you would never think to doubt and now some cis women are suddenly suspected as transsexuals.

No matter how well I present there will always be doubt because I stand out so I have taught myself to be comfortable at all times because that is never going to change. What I can change and control is how I feel about myself.

Grace and I kiss each other's cheeks and I am on my way determined to inspect myself more carefully before heading out the door.



Comments

  1. I can remember watching my Grandmother carefully inspecting herself before heading out the door. Just part of being a woman as far as I can tell.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Halle you can be sure I shall be as careful as your grandmother before heading out the door...

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…