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not just about being feminine

How do you incorporate your feminine side in order to create a whole person? For that is what I am trying to do now.

Since my transgender nature was such an unwelcome appendage for so long, the process of repatriation has brought the inconsistency of days when I am sure I should pursue a transition and others when I am just as certain I should not.

I think this is result of my attempt to fuse the male and female animas into one person after they were estranged for so long. I sometimes read about transgender women who remain tomboys because they have managed to fuse both the male and female in order to craft a unique identity which refuses to be stereotypical.

When we first start exploring our feminine side we are caricatures of women until we find our sea legs and reach a type of maturity that we can settle into. Would I be happier going to work or anywhere else and having the sartorial freedom that a woman possesses? For that is one aspect that I would gain once I cross that threshold. But it is much more than about clothing and really about the root of who you are on the inside that begs answering.

This process takes time to reveal itself and my exploration by living part time is what will ultimately resolve the question. No matter what I decide there will be no right or wrong answer but simply my own.

The other day I spoke to my ex-wife about the thought process I am mired in and she tries to understand. We are at a junction that the acrimony has morphed itself into a unified interest in making sure our children do well. No matter what I would decide to do she would respect it and I appreciate her support. A recent chat with my youngest sister yielded the same result and she wonders if it might not be confusing to live in two worlds the way I do.

With the sacred cows gone all that remains is pure reflection.


  1. Here's an idea I've been thinking (just thinking) about. We've all heard that trans people - both MTF and FTM - feel great on HRT, continuing well beyond the time when the euphoria would have died off. Presumably they feel this way because they are finally getting the hormones they need. Would it not also make sense if cisgender people didn't feel good at all to take cross sex hormones? If so, maybe trans people who are on the fence could take hormones for a length of time before permanent changes start (such as breast development or voice deepening) and use their feelings on hormones to help decide which side of the fence they want to be on?

    1. Emma cross sex hormones have the effect of confirming that you are indeed trans. When a cisgender person takes them it tends to make them feel worse. So yes you are correct.

      I don't say this from personal experience mind you but from the much anecdotal I have read and have had conveyed to me by other trans people.

    2. In that case I wonder if HRT might be used as a kind of diagnostic tool (for a short period, before permanent effects arise) confirming that one is transgender (for those who remain unsure) and if the feelings are 'wonderful' then that would indicate that a lifetime course of HRT (and transition) may be indicated?

    3. Yes I think that could be one approach to take...

  2. I have come to view the transgender experience as a journey, not a destination. Society might demand that we choose between or among "worlds," but the human self is more elusive than that for any of us, trans and non-trans alike.

    None of us is the "same person" at work and at home; with our spouse and with our kids; when socializing and when merely thinking to solve a problem. Such shifts in modality and even sense of logic cause little distress, if any, and are scarcely even noticed, as our culture has no problem conceptualizing them as one person in our paradigm of what it means to be human. But when the fluidity marks a shift in gender roles, society reliably, but unnecessarily, goes berserk.

    I say this not to minimize the import or impact of decisions like whether to pursue role-base or physical transitions. But I dream of a world where the stress on one's consciousness in making them is on par with deciding whether to take a job offer in a different part of the world.

    As for me personally, not that anyone asked, I have come to love love that I went from boyhood to womanhood. It's been a fascinating journey of shifts and changes that will not end until my death. When the pangs of dysphproia rear their ugly heads, I remind myself that I am always shifting. When I long for my "true self," I stop seeking her, drop back, and just watch myself behave, and how my behavior makes me feel. I am who I am when I am not thinking about who I am. Merely being able to do that is its own kind of bliss.

    Continued kudos, Joanna, for the out-loud introspection!

    1. And a loud thank you, to Caryn! Very well said, thank you.

    2. Thanks Caryn for that fascinating feedback and yes it would be amazing to make this process less harrowing and steeped in mystery.

      Your input here has been very welcome and extremely insightful.

    3. Thanks, Joanna. That makes me glad.

      And backatcha. I would not be participating in this corner of the Internet if i were not getting something out of it myself.


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