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sometimes on the cusp

There are always more pangs of jealousy in the summer.

The dresses and the shoes are almost tempting you to run home and change and come back as you want but then reality brings you back. I am on that cusp where sometimes I ask myself if I am living a lie or whether I am just kidding myself to ever think I could transition to full time living.

There is no right or wrong answer of course and in Quebec it only takes filling in a form and having a witness who knows you attest that you are serious and your gender marker is on its way to being changed.

Many of us have been on that cusp where we are sure and then suddenly we are not and another 6 months go by. But I am on my own timeline and no one else’s.

I have 5 years to go before reaching 60 and then something will happen or it won’t as I don’t intend to rock the boat before. But then there is that call from a headhunter that has you reflecting on a new job with a different identity and the possibilities linger on. I then ask myself if I want to grapple with dysphoria for the rest of my life.

There are days like that except that they seem to be more frequent than they used to be.

Comments

  1. I'm retired or so I thought, so at 61 I am focused on determining my truth and what I should do. Several days ago I met a man at the campground. We got to talking and long story short he had invented a process the produces gasoline from H2O and CO2, and uses more CO2 than what is released by the gasoline. I spent two days studying it, almost against my will, as I realized that if I chose to work on it with him my gender truth exploration would be returned to the back burner for at least several years. Thankfully, I think, I determined that although the science is fascinating it's far from ready for investors, so I passed on it. Funny how in some ways that would have been a way to avoid the real work I need to do on myself.

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    Replies
    1. Emma you might find that you can do both and find yourself while you are undertaking an interest. Sometimes discovering ourselves doesn't need to involve constant and intense introspection and we just live until an answer percolates to the surface.

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    2. Start-ups are pretty all-consuming, and it's all too easy for me to bury myself in work to the exclusion of my gender dysphoria and resulting emotions.

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  2. I wish I was there so we could brainstorm - We have such similar views. I know you will take to best path. Overthinking something does not always lead to the best decision. There are times we must listen to the heart and logic be dammed. If there are exciting opportunities being presented be decisive - The chance may never come again.

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    Replies
    1. I really appreciate your input Rhonda thanks...

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