Skip to main content

stages

For some of us settling into some sort of normalcy takes time.

First come the early forays into our mother’s closets (which was the subject of a recent post) where things feel right and normal until we are discovered and perhaps scolded. Then comes the phase where we are certain that there is something wrong with us and do our best to suppress but intermittently fail. Here we might experience those first tentative steps out the door or perhaps only dressing at home intermingled with purges where we swear we will never do it again.

One day we think we have found the right person and completely suppress everything and do our best to be “normal”. But eventually we realize that doesn’t work and we either dress surreptitiously or perhaps suppress until the pressure mounts to an intolerable level.

Finally comes the last period of acceptance where we can no longer hide from who we are and we either transition fully, partially or find some sort of formula that honors our identity.

This sequence is almost universal for those of us who tried following the script that we thought we were supposed to and, those of you over 45, will almost certainly recognize yourselves in it.

I am in that final stage and can now look back with 20/20 hindsight and even laugh a little at how terrifying everything was but didn’t need to be. I have learnt what to discard and what to accept but that it is easier for someone in their 50’s who has gained that perspective; but I might add: not without much toil and sweat. It is often said that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and there is a strong current of truth in this. However I might have preferred that the struggle not have lasted as long as it did.

Whatever it means to be me was revealed over the last decade because I finally permitted it to happen and, the less I worried about what was expected of me, the more I became grounded in who I am.

It turns out that the best gift we can receive in this life is being true to oneself and you are in the unique position to bestow that.

Comments

  1. Your summary is so concise and accurate. I have always contended that we can we all tell the same story of hiding, exhilaration and self-loathing and finally acceptance. Like you, my only regret is that it took so long to achieve self-understanding and self acceptance.

    Thank you Joanna for today's post. So well written and thought out.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…