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Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should let it go. There is nothing they can prove and nothing you can disprove and the best way to show them they are on the wrong track is to live a decent and dignified existence. They have no answers for you and, even if transsexualism were exclusively a matter of aberrant sexuality, whatever steps you have taken to find peace have been the correct ones. Forget terms like “true” transsexual and all others which pretend to establish hierarchies or classifications because no one is able to tell you jack shit about what compels someone to transition.

So here is where the rubber hits the road. Either:

A) Your pull towards being a woman is a sexual kink which helped you create a false feminine mental image.

B) Your transgender nature predated puberty and impacted your sexuality through the inherent contradiction between orientation and identity.

If A is true, then you don’t need to transition and should be happy enjoying your particular kink but if B is true then there is merit in looking past the sexual incongruity and examine your true feelings in order to decide what you should do.

I believe very strongly that B is true (which would make Harry Benjamin correct) for those who are truly transgender which is why those who transition typically do not regret doing so. Cross gender arousal then becomes a symptom of the overall picture but isn’t the root cause of the problem.

The hard part is making the distinction between A and B and understanding where you fit because there are people who enjoy dressing up and get a sexual charge out of it. But I look at it this way: if you took a long time to finally accept who you are and got there kicking and screaming you didn’t fabricate any of it. You were born that way and need to find an answer that will give you peace of mind.

Now go forward without listening to what anyone outside of your immediate family says and find your own way.


  1. Great post today, Joanna. It gave me a kick in the dupa to be my true self when I go out with my co-workers Friday night to celebrate my retirement.

  2. At 61 my libido is reduced a bit which allows me more perspective on my situation. I'm most definitely "B" too and was also very confused and ashamed about my feelings for decades. Now, I am of the opinion that the erotic pleasure stemmed from the delight and fantasy of simply being myself, a female.

    1. I think we need to be careful here Emma. The cross gender arousal is not well understood and has been called target location error because it is thought to be a sexual orientation in its own right: something I vehemently disagree with. What is most likely happening is the equivalent of crossed wires where your attraction to females gets mixed up with your sense of self identification. Blanchardians think this problem is self created from watching too much pornography and see any early childhood identification as being female as either lying and wishful thinking on the part of gynephilics.

      But our identification is definitely there early and our confusion starts at puberty when our dysphoria meets developing sexuality.

    2. I appreciate your feedback Joanna. It would be interesting to talk to researchers who are studying cross gender arousal - I would be fascinated. I am making my own assumptions to try to understand myself and, yes, I may be 100% wrong! That's okay. At least I no longer feel it's some sort of fetish with all the negative connotations that come with that.

    3. you definitely do not suffer from a fetish Emma. That I can tell you...

  3. IS erotic to read about.............

  4. Thanks for sharing the wonderful and helpful information
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