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few things are as mysterious

My ideas on couple hood have firmed up with age and the benefit of hindsight.

We create patterns for ourselves which are modelled after a personal style branded by childhood baggage which in turn affects our attachment style. What we expect of our partner and of ourselves is a unique formula that not even we comprehend because that would require the kind of introspection that could lead to findings we might not like.

Some of us are motivated by abandonment issues or through the influence of invasive parents. That colors the kinds of demands we make on the person we are with and not always by deliberate intent but by an almost automated subconscious approach we can falsely attribute to our personality instead of on flaws we can attempt to correct.

If only one person does the heavy lifting to work out their modus operandi there will be a shortfall since it requires equal engagement to make for a healthy couple. I now see the trials and tribulations of the marriages and relationships around me with recognition.

There is no logic involved here but only the fragile psychology of two wounded individuals trying to understand what makes the other tick. Navigating those waters can be challenging and sometimes what is said is as bad as what is not.

A friend of mine recently saw his girlfriend complain about the imbalance of texting between them which she saw as a gauge of ill health in their relationship. He in turn saw no such thing and chalked it up to being very busy during the day and I believed him as he explained all to me but that mattered less than what she believed. Needless to say, the ruckus it created was disproportionate to the merit of the argument.

Our human relationships are fragile entities and they sometimes teeter on the brink before they are rescued while other times they topple over with a tremendous thud.

In the end I believe that few things in this life are as mysterious.


  1. "What we expect of our partner and of ourselves is a unique formula that not even we comprehend because that would require the kind of introspection that could lead to findings we might not like."

    On benefit of being trans is that such introspection is forced upon you. From my experience, I have gained the wisdom not to be afraid of what I might find. And I have found a lot I did not like, but that's better in my experience and opinion than letting such dark matters unconsciously control me.

    Not that I'm great at relationships. But it has made it easier to confront problems directly, and acknowledge that things are not functioning without placing blame on my partner. (Or myself.). It's also made it much easier to be up front at the beginning of a potential relationship to communicate my baggage, irrationalities and annoying quirks.

    I'm entering my mid 40s. I hardly have life's code cracked. But I'm not afraid to look into myself, and explore my realm of mind, whatever is lurking there. Whether I find a life long partner or not, I have me, and I'm always excited to find out what comes next.

    And I'm glad you're still writing regularly, Joanna. 😉

    1. as I am glad for your very perceptive commentary to my posts :)


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