Skip to main content

few things are as mysterious

My ideas on couple hood have firmed up with age and the benefit of hindsight.

We create patterns for ourselves which are modelled after a personal style branded by childhood baggage which in turn affects our attachment style. What we expect of our partner and of ourselves is a unique formula that not even we comprehend because that would require the kind of introspection that could lead to findings we might not like.

Some of us are motivated by abandonment issues or through the influence of invasive parents. That colors the kinds of demands we make on the person we are with and not always by deliberate intent but by an almost automated subconscious approach we can falsely attribute to our personality instead of on flaws we can attempt to correct.

If only one person does the heavy lifting to work out their modus operandi there will be a shortfall since it requires equal engagement to make for a healthy couple. I now see the trials and tribulations of the marriages and relationships around me with recognition.

There is no logic involved here but only the fragile psychology of two wounded individuals trying to understand what makes the other tick. Navigating those waters can be challenging and sometimes what is said is as bad as what is not.

A friend of mine recently saw his girlfriend complain about the imbalance of texting between them which she saw as a gauge of ill health in their relationship. He in turn saw no such thing and chalked it up to being very busy during the day and I believed him as he explained all to me but that mattered less than what she believed. Needless to say, the ruckus it created was disproportionate to the merit of the argument.

Our human relationships are fragile entities and they sometimes teeter on the brink before they are rescued while other times they topple over with a tremendous thud.

In the end I believe that few things in this life are as mysterious.


  1. "What we expect of our partner and of ourselves is a unique formula that not even we comprehend because that would require the kind of introspection that could lead to findings we might not like."

    On benefit of being trans is that such introspection is forced upon you. From my experience, I have gained the wisdom not to be afraid of what I might find. And I have found a lot I did not like, but that's better in my experience and opinion than letting such dark matters unconsciously control me.

    Not that I'm great at relationships. But it has made it easier to confront problems directly, and acknowledge that things are not functioning without placing blame on my partner. (Or myself.). It's also made it much easier to be up front at the beginning of a potential relationship to communicate my baggage, irrationalities and annoying quirks.

    I'm entering my mid 40s. I hardly have life's code cracked. But I'm not afraid to look into myself, and explore my realm of mind, whatever is lurking there. Whether I find a life long partner or not, I have me, and I'm always excited to find out what comes next.

    And I'm glad you're still writing regularly, Joanna. 😉

    1. as I am glad for your very perceptive commentary to my posts :)


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…