Skip to main content

few things are as mysterious

My ideas on couple hood have firmed up with age and the benefit of hindsight.

We create patterns for ourselves which are modelled after a personal style branded by childhood baggage which in turn affects our attachment style. What we expect of our partner and of ourselves is a unique formula that not even we comprehend because that would require the kind of introspection that could lead to findings we might not like.

Some of us are motivated by abandonment issues or through the influence of invasive parents. That colors the kinds of demands we make on the person we are with and not always by deliberate intent but by an almost automated subconscious approach we can falsely attribute to our personality instead of on flaws we can attempt to correct.

If only one person does the heavy lifting to work out their modus operandi there will be a shortfall since it requires equal engagement to make for a healthy couple. I now see the trials and tribulations of the marriages and relationships around me with recognition.

There is no logic involved here but only the fragile psychology of two wounded individuals trying to understand what makes the other tick. Navigating those waters can be challenging and sometimes what is said is as bad as what is not.

A friend of mine recently saw his girlfriend complain about the imbalance of texting between them which she saw as a gauge of ill health in their relationship. He in turn saw no such thing and chalked it up to being very busy during the day and I believed him as he explained all to me but that mattered less than what she believed. Needless to say, the ruckus it created was disproportionate to the merit of the argument.

Our human relationships are fragile entities and they sometimes teeter on the brink before they are rescued while other times they topple over with a tremendous thud.

In the end I believe that few things in this life are as mysterious.


  1. "What we expect of our partner and of ourselves is a unique formula that not even we comprehend because that would require the kind of introspection that could lead to findings we might not like."

    On benefit of being trans is that such introspection is forced upon you. From my experience, I have gained the wisdom not to be afraid of what I might find. And I have found a lot I did not like, but that's better in my experience and opinion than letting such dark matters unconsciously control me.

    Not that I'm great at relationships. But it has made it easier to confront problems directly, and acknowledge that things are not functioning without placing blame on my partner. (Or myself.). It's also made it much easier to be up front at the beginning of a potential relationship to communicate my baggage, irrationalities and annoying quirks.

    I'm entering my mid 40s. I hardly have life's code cracked. But I'm not afraid to look into myself, and explore my realm of mind, whatever is lurking there. Whether I find a life long partner or not, I have me, and I'm always excited to find out what comes next.

    And I'm glad you're still writing regularly, Joanna. 😉

    1. as I am glad for your very perceptive commentary to my posts :)


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

prejudice disguised as objective rectitude

So here is Professor Jordan Peterson perhaps justly calling out the excesses of political correctness gone mad. But then he extends it to not indulging transgender people the basic dignity of being addressed in their preferred pronoun. To do so for him would cost nothing and to stand on literal principle seems to serve little use other than to send a message of disdain.

If you have transitioned or even live as the opposite gender is costs me nothing to address you in your preferred pronouns. What difference does it make to me and what am I trying to tell you when I don't?

Peterson wants to stand on his rights to call reality what it is except that in this case the exact objective escapes me. But of course the right wing Federalist is in love with him because he calls a spade a spade.

If I see a rock I can call it that but then the rock doesn’t have any feelings. To address a transgender woman "her" and "she" is not undermining my rights as a person in any way b…

"Oh please its 2016!"

I have mentioned before that I have a lovely young couple living above the unit next to mine. Well the other day as I was getting in the door, she and I overlapped for the first time with me dressed as a woman.

We had a nice conversation and at some point I mentioned the obvious which was that I had told her future husband that they might see me in a different guise from time to time so they wouldn't wonder about who the strange woman was. She just looked at me almost rolling her eyes while smiling from ear to ear and said:

"Oh Please it's 2016!"

For the record she was also very complementary regarding my choice of attire.

I could care less at this point in my life what people think but it is still lovely to see the millennial generation's freedom of spirit and acceptance so lacking in previous generations. Yes they have their own foibles, as does every generation, but this area certainly isn't one of them.

the pseudoscience behind gender dysphoria

The real science as to what causes gender dysphoria still awaits.

Harry Benjamin was on to something except he didn’t have the scientific evidence to back up his suspicions hence, like a true scientist, he negated to draw conclusions. His hunch, based on treating so many patients over his lifetime, was that one is born with a predisposition to be gender dysphoric.

However, with inconclusive brain scans and no DNA marker (as of yet) we are left with believing the word of people who need help and only want to lead happy and productive lives.

The best we have been able to muster since Benjamin's death in 1986 was to amass statistics on who gets a boner imagining themselves as a woman which is in equal parts pathetic and disappointing. For this is not really science at all but is instead playing with interview data that doesn't point to anything definitive or conclusive. I have dealt with this problem at great length in my blog.

The whole thing started with Kurt Freund's obses…