Skip to main content

heart's just not in it

A former school mate contacted me and asked if I wanted to meet someone. I bristled at first then hesitated and finally thought what the heck.

We met this past Saturday after me having cancelled once by email saying that I didn’t really want to enter into anything right now.

She was a perfectly nice person and very well educated to boot and her father had been my high school French teacher as it turns out. We spoke for 3 hours and I laid all my cards on the table because by this age I don't do any form of pretence. It went well and the conversation flowed nicely.

But then yesterday I weighed everything and decided I am not going to pursue anything but I cannot explain why. Maybe it’s the general feeling that I don’t want to go through all the work again. My life is far from perfect and yet I can manage things on my own better than if I add another set of constraints to it. Relationships are hard enough without dysphoria added in for good measure.

Call it a case of cold feet I don't know but after two long term relationships not working I would rather keep things simple; maybe even for the long haul. I am wondering if as we age we know ourselves better and are less prone to take risk. For now that is what I will chalk it up to at least.

This feeling may subside and it might not but I will just take things as they come.

Comments

  1. Maybe just be friends? Or maybe even that chemistry was lacking and if so that's perfectly natural, it happens more often than not.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think its more than chemistry Emma but that is probably part of it..

      Delete
  2. I think it demonstrates a measure of wisdom to recognize that something might be desirable, but too much to take on. At least, that is a lesson I have had to learn. I'm prone to biting off more than I can chew when too much looks too tasty.

    Whatever it is, you'll figure out when you are ready for what. Journey onward!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am prone to do the same but have recognized my pattern and am going to go against it Caryn..

      Delete
  3. I am in the same boat. An old friend from high school and I do many things together, go to concerts, we spent a weekend in San Francisco. We have a great time, but neither of us has any interest in a "relationship". Due to that, I have not disclosed my authentic self to her, but may in the near future. As I sit today, I have no interest nor the patience required to navigate another relationship after my marriage of 26 years ends.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. can't say I blame you Marcia you run out of steam...

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…