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heart's just not in it

A former school mate contacted me and asked if I wanted to meet someone. I bristled at first then hesitated and finally thought what the heck.

We met this past Saturday after me having cancelled once by email saying that I didn’t really want to enter into anything right now.

She was a perfectly nice person and very well educated to boot and her father had been my high school French teacher as it turns out. We spoke for 3 hours and I laid all my cards on the table because by this age I don't do any form of pretence. It went well and the conversation flowed nicely.

But then yesterday I weighed everything and decided I am not going to pursue anything but I cannot explain why. Maybe it’s the general feeling that I don’t want to go through all the work again. My life is far from perfect and yet I can manage things on my own better than if I add another set of constraints to it. Relationships are hard enough without dysphoria added in for good measure.

Call it a case of cold feet I don't know but after two long term relationships not working I would rather keep things simple; maybe even for the long haul. I am wondering if as we age we know ourselves better and are less prone to take risk. For now that is what I will chalk it up to at least.

This feeling may subside and it might not but I will just take things as they come.


  1. Maybe just be friends? Or maybe even that chemistry was lacking and if so that's perfectly natural, it happens more often than not.

    1. I think its more than chemistry Emma but that is probably part of it..

  2. I think it demonstrates a measure of wisdom to recognize that something might be desirable, but too much to take on. At least, that is a lesson I have had to learn. I'm prone to biting off more than I can chew when too much looks too tasty.

    Whatever it is, you'll figure out when you are ready for what. Journey onward!

    1. I am prone to do the same but have recognized my pattern and am going to go against it Caryn..

  3. I am in the same boat. An old friend from high school and I do many things together, go to concerts, we spent a weekend in San Francisco. We have a great time, but neither of us has any interest in a "relationship". Due to that, I have not disclosed my authentic self to her, but may in the near future. As I sit today, I have no interest nor the patience required to navigate another relationship after my marriage of 26 years ends.

    1. can't say I blame you Marcia you run out of steam...


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