Skip to main content

how a friend helped me clarify things further

Having online chats with my friend Sherry is not only cathartic but also just plain fun. Some people would describe her as the archetype of the early transitioning androphilic but I just think of her as the sweet and lovely lady that she is. Sherry and I met online about 10 years ago and she helped me with my struggles before we lost touch except that now we have re-established contact.

Sherry is aware of her sexuality, how it makes her feel and how it impacts her partner and men in general. She also knows what types of clothing and shoes suit her body and that women possess more sexual power than men.

Many transgender people, myself included, worried about cross gender arousal and what it meant. Did it disqualify our transgender feelings somehow? was it a sign of perversion?

The answer is none of the above.

I wrestled with this issue in this blog for a long time but finally concluded that the set of circumstances that create a transgender person also help create a unique sexuality that once understood one needs to look past to find self-acceptance. This is why introducing estrogen into the picture is a good way to test whether you are transgender since the cooling of the libido would not impact the cross-gender identification.

Clare Fluorish reminded of this in her recent post as she describes her crossdressing friend who tired of wearing female clothing once his need for excitement was over. Clare, like my friend Sherry, wears both pragmatic clothing and more sexual fare because that is what women do.

Understanding my cross-gender arousal (which has mellowed greatly with age) has made me feel much better about my identity as a transgender person (which is as strong as ever by the way) and I understand much of it has to do with dealing with feelings inside a male vessel which operates on a different set of criteria.

I didn’t need my friend Sherry to help me understand all this and I knew it before but she just helped me confirm it. In fact you could say she proved herself to be the "Sherry" on the sundae

(yes I can hear you groan from here Sherry)


  1. The best friends are those who make us flourish. They do not tell us who we are; they simply accept us, and their presence is itself a warm, clarifying lens on the parts of our minds that are blurry from our first person perspective.

    My best friend mentions all the time how I have helped her find herself, steady herself, accept herself and thrive. I repay her every compliment with the same phrase: Backatcha!

    1. Couldn't agree more, Caryn. Yesterday a good friend sent this quote to me:

      “Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”

  2. I've also wondered about my cross-gender arousal, where it came from, what it means. I've come my conclusion that it's really a manifestation of the pleasure I felt as I fantasized about being a girl and later, a woman.

    I've experienced my gender envies and dysphoria since my earliest memories in nursery school - obviously long before puberty. As I went to sleep each night I often fantasized and wished that my mother would buy some girls' clothing for me, that I'd be whisked away in a space ship to be a girl, or that I'd wake up magically transformed. To me it makes sense to experience sexual arousal later.

    I will say that these days as I've come to accept myself as transgender and to often present publicly as a woman those feelings remain but are subdued. It's such a pleasure to finally be myself and okay with that. It will be interesting to see how and if my arousals will change as I slowly take transitional steps.

  3. thanks Caryn and Emma for the great comments!


Post a comment

Popular posts from this blog

my last post

This will be my last blog post.

When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion.

With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We are …

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men.

Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting.

If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself:

"About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies.

The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was that it …


While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...