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the failed man

I know that for a very long time I fell prey to the failed man syndrome and it took me many years to shed it. It involves blaming yourself for your own dysphoria and subsequently being unable to measure up to a model of masculinity that was preordained through your parenting and society's influence.

That you have not measured up to a standard can be one of the worst things that can befall a male born child in this world. So much emphasis is placed on this metric that it is the source of much distress even among non transgender males. I was very good at the role and able to escape any detection but it wasn't at all easy to keep my deep dark secret.

Today, hyper masculinity has been the new response among the alt right white males who decry a world full of political correctness and emasculation as women find new places in society without the same reliance on males. The new chest beating has even taken the form of aggression against foreigners who would threaten white male identity which previously hinged on sole family provider roles. Many of these jobs were in the blue collar sector.

Before succumbing to self acceptance many transsexuals try one last ditch effort to embrace a kind of hyper masculinity in an effort to rid themselves of their dysphoria; all to no avail.

My own identity hinged on shoehorning myself into a role that didn’t quite fit me. I was just masculine enough to escape detection but basically bookish and reed thin for much of my life. I simply made sure to posture just enough but not so much that it would nauseate my own sensibilities and, to this day, excessive machismo grates against my tolerance level for fragile egos looking for relief.

Failing to hold the dysphoria tide back by putting on a dress was the ultimate humiliation and failure. No matter how right it felt, it was a sign of weakness because I had bought into a model where adopting femininity was the ultimate shame; never mind that being a woman in this world is far from being shameful. But I was fighting upstream against the biological imperative that has women looking for a masculine protective figure.

Today I tell myself that a transgender person cannot be a failed man when they are simply not prewired for conventional models of masculinity and simply take solace that I have found what it is to be myself.


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