Skip to main content

the failed man

I know that for a very long time I fell prey to the failed man syndrome and it took me many years to shed it. It involves blaming yourself for your own dysphoria and subsequently being unable to measure up to a model of masculinity that was preordained through your parenting and society's influence.

That you have not measured up to a standard can be one of the worst things that can befall a male born child in this world. So much emphasis is placed on this metric that it is the source of much distress even among non transgender males. I was very good at the role and able to escape any detection but it wasn't at all easy to keep my deep dark secret.

Today, hyper masculinity has been the new response among the alt right white males who decry a world full of political correctness and emasculation as women find new places in society without the same reliance on males. The new chest beating has even taken the form of aggression against foreigners who would threaten white male identity which previously hinged on sole family provider roles. Many of these jobs were in the blue collar sector.

Before succumbing to self acceptance many transsexuals try one last ditch effort to embrace a kind of hyper masculinity in an effort to rid themselves of their dysphoria; all to no avail.

My own identity hinged on shoehorning myself into a role that didn’t quite fit me. I was just masculine enough to escape detection but basically bookish and reed thin for much of my life. I simply made sure to posture just enough but not so much that it would nauseate my own sensibilities and, to this day, excessive machismo grates against my tolerance level for fragile egos looking for relief.

Failing to hold the dysphoria tide back by putting on a dress was the ultimate humiliation and failure. No matter how right it felt, it was a sign of weakness because I had bought into a model where adopting femininity was the ultimate shame; never mind that being a woman in this world is far from being shameful. But I was fighting upstream against the biological imperative that has women looking for a masculine protective figure.

Today I tell myself that a transgender person cannot be a failed man when they are simply not prewired for conventional models of masculinity and simply take solace that I have found what it is to be myself.




Comments

Popular posts from this blog

my last post

This will be my last blog post.

When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion.

With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We are …

epilogue

While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...
















love of self

If you feel you are doing something wrong it shows. Your demeanor, body language and facial expression all conspire to betray you.

You are a clandestine "man in a dress"; you know it and everyone else can too. Your cover has been blown. I've been there and it's frustrating. The source goes back to your self image and the notion that you are somehow a freak of nature; and perhaps you are but what of it? the only way out is to embrace yourself fully and unconditionally. I don't mean to suggest that you are perfect but just that you were created this way and you need not seek forgiveness for it. You are a creation of God.

Misinterpreted religion is a big culprit in all this. These negative images of yourself came from reinforcement of stereotypes by ignorant people interpreting what is right and moral by their own barometer. You simply ingested the message and bought it as the gospel truth. Self confidence and critical thinking is the way out of your dilemma. It can…