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"to the nines"

At the end of this month there is a shareholders meeting for my side project and since I am one of the shareholders, I will be there. It is being held in a law firm that looks quite reputable and I asked Patricia the CEO if she would be dressing up. To which she responded:

"To the nines!"

Since she is doing it I told her that I will do the same and wear a nice skirt suit with my black pumps and my pearl earrings (perhaps something similar to the image below). I think that's a pretty professional look to which I will add minimal jewelry; perhaps just a simple pendant and a one ring.

This will be my first professional business meeting as a woman and I am looking forward to it. All the practice living part time makes it that I am not the least bit nervous but I just see it as another step in my exploration.

I will post about it afterwards.



Don't go after Danes

This FOX news drone with a pretty low knowledge of the world goes after one of its best functioning liberal democracies.

Lying on a scale this bad should be embarrassing to this so called reporter who doesn't even bother doing her homework giving new meaning to the term twit.

The Danes smartly fire back...





recluse

Roberta Cowell was the very first person in Britain to undergo gender reassignment in 1948. She had been a fighter pilot and race car driver but had been deeply unhappy as a man. Towards the goal of a change, she sought the help of physician Michael Dillon (himself a female to male transperson) to advance her cause by asking him to perform an orchiectomy on her which would then pave the way for further surgery. The conversion operation was illegal at the time in Britain and this first step was the only way that Cowell could proceed to vaginoplasty.

Later in her life, Cowell became a recluse and continued to refuse contact with her two daughters who were born in 1944 and 1946 respectively. They had wanted to have contact with their father. It may be possible that after having abandoned her family she may have felt that they would never forgive her.

She died alone in 2011 and her death was only publicized two years later as she has tried to make sure that no one knew. Her funeral was at…

Come Down in Time

"In the quiet silent seconds I turned off the light switch
And I came down to meet you in the half light the moon left
While a cluster of night jars sang some songs out of tune
A mantle of bright light shone down from a room

Come down in time I still hear her say
So clear in my ear like it was today
Come down in time was the message she gave
Come down in time and I'll meet you half way

Well I don't know if I should have heard her as yet
But a true love like hers is a hard love to get
And I've walked most all the way and I ain't heard her call
And I'm getting to thinking if she's coming at all

Come down in time I still hear her say
So clear in my ear like it was today
Come down in time was the message she gave
Come down in time and I'll meet you half way

There are women, women, and some hold you tight
While some leave you counting the stars in the night"


Words: Bernie Taupin
Music: Elton John


mind the gap

There is no question about it, the political spectrum in the United States has shifted to the right. The current Democratic party establishment is close to where the old Republican party was, while the latter has now moved into the terrain of the fringe.

Having picked up hypocrite Evangelicals and outright racists in the form of the alt-right, the republicans now flirt with the kind of ideas that previously existed as informalized rhetoric. Open discrimation has become official policy whether it be aimed at people of color or members of the LGBT community.

We like to think the humanity evolves and that history does not repeat itself, but the pattern seems to hold true that our advancement takes steps back before we move forward, and it wasn’t that long ago that humanity was committing unspeakable acts in the name of honor of country and flag.

The propensity of some Americans towards jingoism has always perturbed me. The idea that one can adopt the stance of loving one’s country to th…

another box checked

I met some old friends for a beer this past Sunday; three guys who I have known for 33 years and went to Europe with in 1986. They all knew about me being trans, but they had never seen it up close. During the day I was out as Joanna and almost thought to go home and change but then I said no, they are going to get an eyeful of their transgender friend.

They all showed up at separate times. The first (who like me is always on time) got the first look at me and it admittedly took him a few minutes to get used to the different presentation and voice but it all went fine. It was the same for the others and the three hours we spent eating and drinking went as smoothly as I could have ever hoped for.

These are nice people who I am proud to call my friends. All they wanted was for me to be comfortable and they certainly did help to make it so. Yes, a few good natured jokes were shared which only helped break the ice by showing them that, despite my struggles with dysphoria, I could still h…

Pakman gets it right

I think that David Pakman, in his response to a caller, accurately describes the reason why Jordan Peterson has captured the attention of disillusioned young men who feel directionless.

Firstly, they are either not willing or not able to pay for a therapist and secondly traditional pop psychology in it's current packaging does not appeal to their sensibilities. Perhaps the latter's more feminist perceived slant turns them off.

The thing is, Peterson delivers much the same information only in a gruffer and more aggressive tone which may resonate with their mounting sense of disconnectedness and disdain for a PC culture which, they feel, marginalizes their masculinity.

That Peterson himself doesn't ever look overly happy is perhaps part of the appeal. His sourpuss tone might just be part of the draw which incidentally, may also tell us a little something about the man himself....


love conquers all

This past week I had my third meeting with Halle this time in her neck of the woods and joined by her wife Kathy.

What else can I say other than they make a stable and committed couple who love each other. There is some interesting history there and at times they were like two ships passing in the night who manage to coincide at a later time.

I questioned Kathy a little bit because she is that one in a million who sees a person before she sees a gender. She is happy with her partner and you can see Halle has finally arrived at her destination.

It was a lovely lunch and the time flew by just as it did on the previous two occasions.

As a side note, that same morning I was in Ottawa's Byward Market having a coffee before our noon lunch date. The owner had a large photograph of Obama taken during his Canada visit; the caption read: I love this country. With tongue firmly in cheek I inquired with the owner if he planned to replace it with a Trump photo. Without a moment's hesitati…

straight jacketed

The way I would best describe the journey of older transgender people like me (ie. those who come to acceptance later in life) is as a type of unboxing or unwrapping. We have been conditioned and raised against instinct and then one day we ask questions as to how this happened. We then begin to search for authenticity by allowing those very same instincts to resurface.

There is nothing new to learn but rather it is about allowing behavior and mannerisms which had been allowed to atrophy to be exposed. Once I gave myself permission to be feminine it just sprang forth on its own and it was only the elimination of the shame which facilitated it.

Like many of you I wasn't older than 4 or 5 when those instincts surfaced only to be quashed by well meaning parents and as a good learner and obedient first born I did what was asked of me.

This is why I feel so unconstrained today because it is as if a straight jacket has been removed. I don't need to second guess or suppress anything.

what we already feared

American democracy is deeply broken and no further confirmation is required than the Devin Nunes leaked audio about protecting Trump.

On that recording Nunes made it clear before his GOP fundraiser audience that no matter what Mueller concludes from his investigation, the party will be in lock step and protect the president. No matter what the crimes they won't permit an indictment.

This is what I instinctively thought but now it's out there confirmed and the American people should be outraged that this could happen.

It is no longer about justice and doing the right thing but about political expediency and getting your agenda advanced no matter how it's done.

We can just look at history to know that Trump will be the most disgraceful president the United States has ever had and, no matter the high crimes committed, it will be thanks to people like Mr Nunes that his tenure is undisturbed for as long as possible.

Democracy takes another hit.


Chomsky on right wing liberterianism

well said

I know that Jack already posted this video over at Crossdreamers a while back but I am doing it here in case some of you missed it.

Natalie and I are a little different in our histories (but aren't all transgender people a little bit so?). Here she does a marvelous job of encapsulating and debunking all the awful pseudoscience that I have addressed in my blog for several years now while using just the right amount of comedic flair. She pokes holes into the certainty that some say exists regarding the transgender condition (other than the fact that we are not mentally ill).

If you haven't seen it yet I suggest you view the whole thing because its really good and summarizes the main arguments against trying to paint trans people as sexual deviants. She also explains her own motivations for transition.

Thanks to Caryn for the heads up on her channel.

NB: my post called Indoctration has to date exceeded 1,000 views which is rare for one of my posts prompting me to assume that some…

the best version of ourselves

Nothing beats authenticity however I only discovered this many years into my life.

I grew up with the false idea that being transgender was something I brought upon myself in spite of living an honest and respectful life since being born to two parents who gave me a very stable childhood. That kind of thinking messed things up for me for the longest time.

We didn’t know anything about this condition when I was growing up, so it was easy to blame ourselves. Having shed the stigma and the shame and armed with a great deal of information, I am now living among the happiest years of my life regarding this issue, accompanied by a calmness of spirit I never expected to achieve.

We cannot place ourselves in a box for others because neither side wins. They get a shadow of the real person and we remain frustrated constrained as less than ideal versions of who are. In that light, trying to lead a normal life is not your goal but rather to live happily within the constraints of your transgender…

indoctrination

As transgender people, organized religion hasn't really been our friend however on the other hand it has often had little to do with true spirituality. I needed to learn this over time and much of what I was taught growing up was steeped in the judgmental superstition of society instead of what some creator would demand of me.

Regardless of your belief system, you are a child of the universe and have been endowed with uniqueness and goodness of spirit. You have probably never wished anyone ill will and you have tried your best to live within the absurd coordinate system of humanity. Yet somehow belonging to the LGBT community was entirely your fault.

As I have grown older this inherent irrationality became increasingly evident to me. I knew I was a fundamentally good person and yet I was different in a way which was not of my choosing. Hence with this comprehension my self appreciation and esteem grew in proportion.

Religion for me today seems forever trapped in the misinterpretat…

all part of the fun

Everywhere I go I'm addressed as Miss or Madame and I'm more than getting used to it.

I have great old time chatting with other women. Recently I was waiting for my espresso and two of them in their twenties were similarly waiting for their beverages.

I couldn't help but notice the phone case of one which doubled as a wallet and even had a strap. I told her so and suddenly she was telling me all about it and how she loved it and showed me the compartments. She wished me a great day after getting her drink and off she went.

The next young woman was wearing beautiful heels so I told her how much I liked them. They looked to be at least 3 inches high.

"Thanks they're really comfortable!" She said beaming me a smile.

"Really? I would have thought with the height that they wouldn't"

"Oh no they're super comfy" she insisted and walked away in style.

For me these types of exchanges are all part of the fun and I just love doing it. I'm…

dysphoria

pendulum

Most Western liberal democracies are in a state of disrepair and none more so than the United States. Faced with the issue of uncontrolled immigration and a population that is increasingly falling into the ranks of the working poor something needs to be done.

Europe is facing much the same problem although no country has yet elected someone as ill-prepared for office as Trump who serves as the proverbial bull in a china shop (a combination of incompetence and bravado steeped in malevolence). Brexit, for example, was in large part a plebiscite on Neoliberal ideas on globalization and Britons pined for a return to policies that fed their former way of life; one that likely will never return. How to stay connected to continental Europe while maintaining some level of autonomy is now Theresa May's dilemma to handle.

Western alliances are fraying at the seams and the Chinese and the Russians are taking note and rejoicing at their good fortune. Even Canada is taking a more cynical view …

this is essential viewing

Yes, it is worse than you think...



the death of an outdated model

You can think of this as part 2 from yesterday's post because it is all related.

The two-type model of transsexualism proposed by our dear friend Ray Blanchard in the late 1980’s is not aging very well. Postulated during a period in our history when those who were romantically drawn to females (gynephilics) were mostly in the closet regarding their cross gender feelings and perhaps married while man-loving androphilics were transitioning young, there seemed to be a massive gap between two types which turned out not to be distinct types at all.

Today one only needs to view the YouTube videos of transgender millennials to see how things have changed just a tad over the last 30 years.

The gap in transition age between the two orientations is rapidly closing mostly because gynephilics are coming out of the closet much sooner and they are not subject to the ravages of testosterone that those from previous generations were exposed to. Hence, they make for very attractive women post tran…

branches?

Over the last 25 years or so I have read numerous accounts of the lives of transgender people with one item of particular interest to me being the age at which the identification began. People who most readily identify as crossdressers seemed to begin their fascination just before or around the age of puberty (raiding the hamper for their first bra or pantyhose for example) whereas transsexuals are aware much sooner and realised something was amiss with their gender identity; something which was more than just about clothing.
Today we speak in terms of a transgender umbrella but clearly there is a difference in terms of gender dysphoric feeling to the extent that people who Harry Benjamin would have identified as his types V or VI would have exerted an incredible amount of effort to avoid transition; typically they ended up doing so lest their mental health suffer. Benjamin found that the higher up his SOS scale (a self admitted work in progress) you went, the less one identified with …

chaleur acablante

Lord knows I've never been a summer person. We in the northeast don't exactly live in a temperate climate zone and we either bake in the summer or freeze in the winter; there is very little nuance in the formula. Over my lifetime these extremes have gotten worse and has resulted in the sacrificing of the fall and spring seasons I loved so much. So needless to say, I don't suffer the current summers well and this one has been particularly unpleasant featuring heat waves one of which recently killed 53 people in the province.

This is a sign that things are not normal. Yes these people were older and some sickly but this never used to happen before and as the mercury climbed and the humidity only made things worse people didn't know where to hide.

France and Japan are two examples of countries being exposed to record heat to the point where the latter has declared a state of emergency. This is no longer an anomaly and it has been getting steadily worse since the 1970'…

reckoning

Michael Cohen is set to be raked through the mud by the pale and vampiric Rudy Guliani who stumbles his way through the right wing talk shows trying to curtail the damage inflicted on his client.

Cohen is going to sing and make official what everyone already knows: that Trump conspired during the campaign with Russian help to get him elected.

Up to now, Trump's lowlife personality and bedroom antics don't seem to get any traction in unglueing him from his mesmerized base but with tariffs hurting farmers and secondary steel manufacturers the shine is starting to come off the apple. Cohen is only going to make things worse and as the midterm elections approach things are not looking good for the rotund and corrupt president.

It may just be that GOP members of both houses start to head for the lifeboats as all gets uglier and if they sense that their failure to reign in Twitter Boy is seen negatively some will turn on him just as Cohen is doing now.

If you ever wondered whether p…

scholarly?

To get an idea of how amateurish the writing and simplistic the analysis is in J. Michael Bailey's 2003 book "The Man who would be Queen" was, one simply needs to feature an excerpt. Those of you who are transgender and clearly Mr. Bailey is not because his ignorance gives him away immediately, will recognize the obtuseness present here and perhaps even get a chuckle. It's the simplified version of the Blanchard pseudoscience in a much less politically correct tone (and I am being kind here).

To have presented this as a scholarly work should clearly have been embarrassing to the author and I am hard-pressed to understand how Northwestern colleague Alice Dreger would have defended this tripe as being representative of such. It just made her look bad for doing so.

The Transsexual Phenomenon this clearly is not and it explains why many transgender people back then would have been up in arms; none more than the intelligent Lynn Conway who rightly saw this book like the b…

Monica works her magic

prejudice

This is how discrimination works: people who are already entitled feign some sort of injustice and complain that their own rights are being violated through granting others their own. It is vile and disgusting but it is unfortunately reality.

Black people must ride at the back of the bus, they must drink from their own water fountains. Today it is the transgender community facing much the same type of backlash. "We don’t want to see them and we don’t want them poisoning our normal children" is their message.

Transgender people don’t cause any harm to anyone and all they want is the right to self-determination and some basic respect but conservatives who think that they are part of a movement hell bent on destroying society are not going to allow them this indulgence. They may be losing the war but they keep fighting the battles and try to wreak havoc in hopes someone will listen.

This is the way human discrimination has always worked and whether the enemies are Jews, Blacks,…

smile

Women smile at each other very differently than when it's between a man and a woman. It's like a little signal that you belong to the same gender and that you understand each other. As I have gone deeper into self acceptance I get them more frequently.

Sometimes I will be crossing the street and happen to catch the eye of another woman and we will both smile and I get my dose of confirmation.

Having lived in both worlds now the difference is markedly different and two men who dont know each other will absolutely not partake in this practice. For that exchange to occur you must belong to the sorority that is womanhood.

Sometimes women comment on each other's clothing or makeup and not long ago I was asked about my shade of lip colour by a young woman who happily entered it into her phone. As I stated here recently, I will equally not hesitate to point out a nice dress or shoes and receive a warm smile and a thank you in return. For obvious reasons one dare not try this whe…

a good experiment

Working on this side project as a woman has been interesting for me. It allows me to reflect on what I want to do going forward by getting me one tiny step in the direction of what full time living might be like in the work place.

I don't have any definitive answers yet but this is part of the process of discovery.


anger

A lot of us who are born transgender carry a little bit of resentment towards the world; at least I did for a long time. How can we not when we immediately rubbed against its sensibilities from a young age and forced to adjust to its demands?

I carried that anger for a long time and it was pointed out to me during my gender therapy back in 2007. At the very end of our sessions, the sexologist treating me told me straight out and it stung but I knew she was right. The energy of repression is sometimes too much to bear and it must go somewhere.

Today I am mostly spent of that anger and, although I realize that life is still complicated for a person with gender dysphoria who has not transitioned, things are far better than they have ever been. The anger morphs into another form of energy which is used to fortify ourselves and repair psyches that were previously traumatized from having to work so hard to fit in and live with all that stress.

I am still working on that hair trigger respons…

a motivated mom bears her fangs

This mother wasn't going to allow fringe right wing bastardized religion affect the life of her transgender daughter so she got political...

https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a22460397/kimberly-shappley-kai-shappley-update/


what other people think of me

the heat of the day

God I love the flying fingers of Lyle Mays in this piece...


egalitarian world

Ana Maria is a strong independent woman who wants to make a difference in our company. She is in her late 30's, a married mother of 2 children, highly intelligent and very communicative.

However being a woman in a highly technical field, she isn't taken as seriously as she should be and is sometimes brought to tears when she confides in me about it.

She is my closest female confidant there and knows all about my transgender past and present and is a huge supporter of mine as I am of hers.

The single biggest complaint that we have when we transition is that suddenly we become invisible. People who took our advice without question suddenly defer to another male colleague and this is what Ana Maria faces every day even when her idea is the best one. Invariably, she tells me, it must be supported and pushed by a male colleague if it is to gain traction.

Things have changed enormously since I began in this business but they still have a ways to go and Ana Maria notices the marked d…

taking the plunge ever again

While I was having a bite recently with Ralph (Shybiker) he asked me the following question: “Would you ever be interested in pursuing another relationship?”

I then reflected for a moment and came up with an answer: yes and no.

No, I will never look again in a conscious way. I am not the type of person who goes online and seeks somebody out and finding a fully accepting partner as a transgender person is a bit like finding a needle in a haystack; especially one from my generation. In other words, you would be wasting time searching instead of living your life.

At this point my biggest fear is repression and I will never return to it. Once we achieve an echelon in our transgender journey there is no going back because we must claw our way slowly and deliberately inch by inch just to get where we are. Meeting someone who would have me go backwards is just not something I want at this stage of my life.

Is there openness on my part? Of course there is but it would now take a formidable so…

a very stable genius

Ya gotta love Randy Rainbow...


punked

You won't believe what Sacha Baron Cohen gets these Republican rubes to say. The creator of Borat on his new special called "Who is America" does his best to expose stupidity through the use of comedy and its both funny and tragically sad at the same time...


fun exchanges

I have loads of fun complementing women on their clothes or shoes.

Invariably I will get a huge smile or earnest thank you and a little banter will result. I am not trying to get anything out of it but it's just part of the fun that comes from being a girl. I don't do it all the time just when the spirit moves me and I gauge it will be well received.

By this age my shyness filter is all but gone and very little makes me hesitate save for outing another trans person of course. Plus it's harmless and brings me and them a little sunshine into our day.

The latest episode involved me commenting on a woman's black Prada pumps. They must have been 4 inches high with the stiletto heel. I told her how nice they looked and how I admired her ability to walk in them

"Honey I've been living in these since I was 14" she said beaming a big smile at me

"You should get yourself a pair!"

Of course I was wearing my chunky heel pumps and pointed to them extolling …

The fog

Attack the media, lie, insult allies and more. These are the signs of a classic scoundrel and burgeoning fascist. Robert Reich warns about not being fooled by the subterfuge.

Oh and to the anonymous person who clearly misunderstood my post on NATO: Trump can leave NATO and take all his toys away as well. America will only find itself increasingly isolated and other unions will be formed. You don't get to shit on your allies through beligerance and still expect any kind of support.

It's called burning bridges...


the transgender monk

even more damage

President Trump continues his war against liberal democracies as he defecates all over a 73 year old institution in NATO which has kept the peace in Europe and has helped the United States for all those decades.

Trump has a fetish for autocratic types like Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin with whom he has said he will have his most pleasant visit; this the man most likely to find glee in the undoing of this formidable union.

Someone please get this malevolent idiot out of there before he sets any more forest fires. Let's collect that evidence and put him on trial. At this point I will even take Mike Pence (and yes, I can't believe I just said that).

Ana Kasparian on Jordan Peterson

TYT's Ana Kasparian does a great job here summarizing the stances of Jordan Peterson: the new hero of North American males who tend to espouse right of center ideas. He has become their role model and speaks to their desire for a different outcome through his views on monogamy, free speech, religion, equality of outcome and personal responsibility.

I was willing to give Peterson a chance at first but the more I heard the more I found he was simplifying situations and not presenting the entire picture. He talks about the left as if it were a cohesive and united force instead of a spectrum that runs the gamut from radicals to progressives. This is precisely why the right has picked him up as an icon for if he presented things more accurately this would not have happened.

His views of Canada's Bill C-16 are completely unfounded and he sounds the warning bell on free speech without one decent counterargument as to why the rights of trans people are not important and their freedom …

au naturel

I continue to be very pleased with the Silk'n hair removal apparatus and have zero regrets about having purchased it. It is doing the job prompting me to think that technology certainly has come a long way.

There are spots where the hair growth has almost come to a standstill and I can see how a few more months of use could deliver amazing results which includes the face which I have treating in selected spots that didn't have a chance to respond to laser all those years ago.

My daughter has now begun to use it based on my testimonial.

The picture below is of me using the least amount of makeup ever: light foundation, loose powder and a light fleshy coloured lipstick. Everything took all of 5 minutes to apply.


NB: Dr Morris responded to me after I emailed him the article on blood clots:

"Of course. The real question is the long-term risk of estrogen. The study is complicated by the use of anti-androgens which also increase the risk of thrombosis. But the alternative....?&…

universal basic income

Universal basic income is an idea whose time may have come. Proposed by an increasing amount of leading economists, it is one way to combat the increasing wage disparity between the 1% and everyone else.

Neoliberalism brought us the idea that open global markets would adjust and allow blue collar workers to be retrained when their industry moved to a low wage sector but this was a fallacy. Instead we saw people falling off the grid who were not suited for moving from making textiles to working in IT (to name one example). The idea that people would adjust was a pipe dream bought by believers that free market capitalism can correct these things on its own.

Liberal democracies with strong safety nets fought this problem partly through supporting workers and buying them time to reinvent themselves but in the United States, where the gap is the most marked among the top industrialized nations, there is little backup. A rugged individualistic mindset where this is seen as an unearned hando…

Shybiker

Ralph (Ally) and I met in Old Montreal in front of City Hall. You may know him from his handle of ShyBiker and he has his own blog where he chronicles his travels, purchases, photoshoots, thoughts and ideas.

Ralph has always felt female inside and he did his best to live in a world that didn't indulge him this identification. As a baby boomer born during a period where we didn't yet have the proper language for how we felt, he did his best to honor these feelings within the context of his reality.

He doesn't hide from anyone and is out to the world as the person he is which happens to be a fascinating and unique individual who is not going to bend to the will of society.

Ralph lives his life in his own terms and we talked about how each of us views the coming years and how our aim to be authentic will become a priority.

He told me how much he loves Montreal and he intends to return and see more of it. It will be my pleasure to tag along and play tour guide if he likes.

If…

the next doorway

My daughter was just hired at the animation studio of her first-choice. Her first professional job thanks in part to her strong work in her animated film I posted some time back. She is excited and I couldn’t be happier for her in that she will embark on a career doing something she absolutely loves to do.

My son is going to start college in the fall which is a step we have here in Quebec before University and I am sure he will do well academically. His battle with anxiety continues to improve as he finds his footing with increasing age and experience.

Looks like I am out of a job as a parent at least in the way it used to be. They now have their friends and boyfriend (in the case of my daughter) and it is now my turn to remake my life with a redefined role that focuses on what I want.

Also, for the first time since the split over 2 years ago, I was able to test myself by watching a short film my ex-girlfriend was in and not get overly emotional. It looks like I must be getting past t…

only in Trumpworld

Only in Trumpworld can you have a scandal ridden tenure as head of the EPA, be actively trying to dismantle the very regulations that it purports to enforce and get a slap on the back from President TWITter for a job well done. Because Scott Pruitt was a horror show in his role and finally and mercifully resigned before doing more damage than he already had.

I am waiting for Michael Cohen's information to Mueller to have a significant impact on the corrupt and morally bankrupt Trump. The question that remains is what courage does a timid GOP have to do the right thing and impeach.

Mind you, as George Will recently stated, the only man he finds worse than Trump is the bland-faced yet ideologically twisted beyond repair Mike Pence and I unfortunately tend to agree with him.


where there is love

This couple impressed the hell out of me. Two nice people who clearly love each other and are working through the complexities of a gender transition. The wife is grieving the loss of the man she loved but is happy that her new wife is no longer suffering from painful gender dysphoria.

Not a lot of happy stories like this one out there so when they come along they are worth noting.

When Lauren talks about fixing herself, boy can I relate.


bring on the millenials

The Millenials are coming and they will change society. The generation born between 1983 and 2000 (which my children are a part of) have a much more open minded view of the world than we boomers. They are more accepting of difference and diversity and will drastically change the landscape that we built and I for one think: thank God for it.

I also won't surprise you when I tell you that they aren't the least bit Donald Trump fans but you already knew that didn't you.

Robert Reich explains...


noodling on the piano

Recently I was noodling around on the piano and thought I would record it. I have a lot of great grand piano sounds on my Korg Krome and this dark grand setting is one of my favorites...


Happy 151

I was brought (along with my siblings) to this wonderful country by my parents in 1970 and they never regretted their decision.


correlation and causation

"Some pre transition male to female transsexuals experience cross gender arousal ergo the arousal causes a false claim of identity" This is the bedrock claim made by the apostles of the Autogynephilia theory.

An analogy which could be made would be:"every time I see lightning I hear thunder ergo lightning causes thunder" a claim which is incorrect for at best they are correlated (you can look that up).

You see, correlation is not necessarily causation. This is science 101.

Lack of proof is the problem with AGP and the only way to settle things would be to provide a definite explanation and causation for the arousal; something which no one has been able to do thus far. Therefore it is just as convenient for we transgender people to claim that cross gender arousal is a symptom of dysphoria: a statement which is just as plausible and far more likely given our early childhood identification.

To state that the Autogynephilia theory is based on science is clearly incorr…

revenge of the grass roots

Progressive candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez won her primary over 10 term congressman Joe Crowley by running a grass roots campaign which she took right to the people. There is litte doubt that many Democratic voters are fed up with establishment politicians like Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi and while they may chalk up this 28-year-old woman’s victory to a blip on the electoral map they would be unwise to do so.

Cortez was an organizer for Bernie Sanders who himself had captured the imagination of the millennial voters by running on a truly progressive agenda. Medicare for all and free college tuition could be laughed off as a pipe dream until one considers the money that goes into military industrial complex defense spending, big pharma, malpractice litigation and other expenditures that make those dreams quite plausible by comparison.

The Dems can laugh off Cortez’s win but the population is tired of their ties to Wall Street, the pharmaceutical industry and even the gun lobby w…

one more arrow

one bite at a time

Sometimes I think that the best way to describe myself is as a woman who had to learn to be a man. Today I have reached a place in my life where I consider the best and most sincere version of myself lives as a woman named Joanna who crossdresses to make a living.

But first the psyche must make this leap of adjustment and then have the courage to admit it to others. As hard as this second leg of the journey is, the first leg is even harder: admitting it to yourself.

Presently I am in the throes of figuring out how to come to a public equilibrium so that there is nowhere left to hide. Do I have the courage to live the rest of my life as a woman? This is what I must answer and do so without reservations.

It would be easier if one could just start from scratch and not have to face the scrutiny from people who have only known me one way; the way I was taught to be and behave. This remaking of oneself is no easy task in your mid-fifties and anyone who underestimates it is not thinking abou…

leaving them be

Raising children outside of conventional gender structures is not about trying to change or suppress who they are. It is instead about encouraging them to be themselves.

When I was growing up we had zero latitude in this regard, and any penchant to cross gender lines was strongly frowned upon and ridiculed. Hence, those of us growing up transgender during the dark ages were just plum out of luck.

Now that reparative gender clinics like that of Ken Zucker's at the CAMH are a thing of the past, we can simply let the child help us to guide them. In other words, we let natural exploration take it's course and see what happens; all the while staying clear of overly zealous labeling which could start them off on possibly unnecessary medical intervention.

After some early gender exploration my nephew turned out to be gay but he could just as easily have come out as trans at the tender age of 17 thus allowing for the proper measures to be followed.

It's not really all that compli…

big hoops

I haven't gone out in public wearing these earrings yet. They were an impulse purchase and later thought they were a tad too oversized for my face but now I'm not so sure.

Anyway sometimes it's good to try new styles...


a slow descent

Of course it has gone too far now. Trump is now reversing his ill conceived separation of asylum seekers from their children which involved putting them in makeshift concentration camps. As the United States edges closer to flirting with fascism, the media just reports on his daily imbecilic and spasmodic tweets while the Republican party sits idly by doing nothing. Everyone is afraid to cross the angry bear; a fact which was echoed recently by outgoing Republican senator Bob Corker.

Meanwhile Trump's rallies remind one of Hitler's rise to power with his lowest common denominator crowds crying with a maniacal fervor and in unison "build that wall, build that wall!"

This administration is corrupt and immoral. It began with discourse about Mexicans who rape, Muslims who bomb and LGBT people who impose themselves on society but slowly it is pushing the envelope of rationality and respectability to its very limits. Each day the dialogue becomes coarser and less things a…

a small step forward

Now that the ICD-11 (International Classification of Diseases) has removed the stigma of being transgender considered a mental illness, there are still other layers of subtlety to be resolved but it is a definite improvement and, those who sought to stigmatize transgender people, will now have a little less ammunition.

To me this whole issue can be boiled down to one thing: how does one live in a world that doesn’t know what to make of you? Do you transition fully and pick a side or do you exist in some partial form which can sometimes complicate your life in how you present and are addressed by the public?

This is part of my thinking process today where I am reflecting on how to live my life going forward.

The strength of your cross-gender identification plays a huge role here and some people simply must transition but what I like about today is that others are freer to choose some variant that stops shy of this goal. Not everyone will opt for surgery for example but will otherwise l…

imperfection

It's only when we look back on our lives that we recognize our patterns; the blinders that kept us from progressing into another state of consciousness and inhibiting elevation into new and improved ways of thinking.

Today I am a very different person and when I take stock of the lessons I have absorbed I realize how marked that change has been. Even the last two years have seen major progress where my own blinders have seen a significant lifting and I have examined the obstacles that held me back. Perhaps the trick is to always second guess ourselves and not assume we are necessarily on the right track. After all, our humanness, by its very definition, implies imperfection and the propensity to err.

Pain is part of life and when experiences sear us with a scar it can act as a reminder which doesn't go to waste. The aim to is to achieve new awareness about our personal truth and define ourselves outside of the limitations imposed by the outside world.

Regardless of our origi…

answering the question

I have been pondering the subject of gender dysphoria for many years now and back when I thought I was a deviant in need of a cure I was certain that I could defeat this calling within me that has always been there. It took me a long while to admit that I wasn’t a crossdresser or a T-girl. Most seem to be able to put the clothes away until the next opportunity and don’t necessarily suffer the persistence of a gender dysphoria that almost never sleeps.

But the reason I am no longer conflicted is because I have accepted my reality fully: transsexualism is a condition one is born with. There is nowhere left to hide and I am tending to my reality in an imperfect way for now and maybe for the long haul.

However, I also don’t want to get to the end of my life wondering “what if” which is why I have begun to consider the possibility of a transition. I am at that edge where on the one hand there is hesitation about stepping through an uncertain door and on the other is the excitement of new …

a natural

You could be forgiven for thinking this was a female singer imitating 80's performer Corina Chiriac but it is instead Romanian singer Sebastian Muntean in the makeup, dress and the heels. The performance is live and there is no lip syncing.

Sebastian's movements are graceful, feminine and very natural and he could most certainly pass for a genetic woman. See if you agree...



underneath the makeup

another dimension

Kyle Kulinski is an unabashed American liberal whose ideas will not necessarily be appreciated by everyone yet he always calls a spade for what it is. Watching the video from FOX News on which he comments made me writhe and Kyle can barely contain his outrage after its over.

You will note that virtually everything said during the excerpt is false and illustrates to what extent the network has become an unapologetic propaganda tool for Trump's vision for America. If you aren't particularly bright and watch nothing but FOX you might as well live in another universe as they twist and omit the truth to such an extent it leaves one virtually speechless. Candace Owens, the new "it girl" of the far right, makes particularly confused statements here.

Kyle is part of the millennial politically educated class who want things to change in the US and he is often left gobsmacked by the audacity of the fake news that Trump loves to talk so much about. Until news becomes news agai…

born different

peace

"Joanne! Joanne!"

I pop out from the crowd upon hearing my name realising the girl at the cash has miswritten it and upon seeing me the barista says

"Oh Hi how are you?!"

This in a slightly syrupy yet sincere tone as if she knows me well.

"Good Thanks" I respond

I seem to get this a lot these days and maybe because people see a happy and relaxed woman.

"Remember me from the downtown Starbucks? I used to work there" She says

Then I finally recall and chalk up the memory lag to dimensia.

"I am hard to forget" I say a little ironically referring to my height while scrunching my facial expression to make my point.

"Plus you're a beautiful woman" and she surprises me and has just made my day. I tell her so. We banter a bit before I get my coffee and she wishes me a lovely day which I return in kind.

Being yourself and relaxed has no price and after years of struggle I am finally at a point where existing in the skin of a happ…

sound familiar?

This is Jordan Peterson all over again except now its based on religious grounds. This teacher says its against his religious principles to address transgender students by their preferred pronouns; a policy at the school where he works. As a result he feels encouraged to resign because in his own words “I’m being compelled to encourage students in what I believe is something that’s a dangerous lifestyle”. The school will rightly accept his resignation because evidently being compelled to do something he feels is so heinous is clearly countering their policy of inclusiveness and tolerance.

Of course just how he would know anything about what being trans is all about is beyond me but never mind because such are the blinders among the true believers. In their eyes this is a sinful "lifestyle" and must not be encouraged in any way lest it catches on like a virus.

I am afraid that there will be more such cases where if it isn't a baker refusing to serve a gay couple it will …

it boggles the imagination

52% of the US population now supports that pompous windbag of a president and I can scarcely believe it. It makes me wonder how bad one must be to merit much lower numbers with Trump’s now reaching almost normal levels. The sheer incompetence alone not to mention the lying should have been enough and yet here we are just past day 500 and his approval rating has actually improved. I haven't even mentioned the illegal activity and delusions of grandeur that has him think he's untouchable and can pardon himself (an early admission of guilt if I ever heard one). By this new set of rules Nixon would not have paid for his own abuse of power.

I am at the point where just seeing him on the screen gives me the hives and I can only watch political programs which comment on his buffoonery and keep the excerpts from the rallies to a bare minimum. Watching him hypnotize his lowbrow base is more than I can tolerate.

It makes me realize that you don’t need to be very good to be president and…

choice

I was never presented with a choice and from earliest memory I have always been gender dysphoric. It is not like one day I consciously decided to try on women’s clothing on a whim, liked it and decided to go with it. No, it was instead something deeply imprinted and primordial that told me where I needed to go.

I explained this to my mother recently and made her recall how the nuns used to slap her left hand when she tried to write with it (frustrated old bitties) and she was forced to use her right. My way of making an analogy she could relate to.

Today I am a very strong believer that one is born transgender (or transsexual if you like). There is no choice in it and all that is left to you is how you are going to respond to something which bristles against the sensibilities of many in society. I explained to my mother how militant I am now and how my age and scars have produced a very strong person; one who is fed up with the stupidity of the world yet is simultaneously very much en…

second guessing myself

I no longer second guess myself about presenting as a woman; I know it will go well.

So much of this is about self knowledge and fortitude and just not giving a hoot about what others think. The important thing is that I am comfortable. I used to balk at the thought of a banking or car appointment as Joanna and going swimming was a definite non-starter but now it's my default presentation. It has also expanded the number of people I deal with on a regular and semi-regular basis which in turn increases confidence even more.

I think coming out is the best thing I ever did followed by my current effort to meld myself into one person. I feel that eventually I will fuse what used to feel like two distinct but co-existing gender roles into one although I could be wrong. The fun is in the exploration I suppose.

The second guessing was getting me nowhere and it had to stop because it was steeped in fear and insecurity. Instead I am focusing on being happy which I very much am these days …

hair removal update

The HPL hair removal unit has been doing its job. The first thing I noticed is that little patches of hair on my hands and fingers are now free of regrowth. So where once a week or so I would need to take a razor to them, they have not required it.

Most of us who are gender dysphoric hate excess hair and I am no exception. Therefore anything that helps in this regard is a Godsend. I have also been treating my face, legs, chest and underarms but those take time and I expect months to go by before I notice significant reduction.

So, do I recommend this product based on progress to date? Yes I do but I see patience will be a virtue here and the timeline will be 6 months to a year but, considering the price of the unit, that is hardly an inconvenience.

Those of you looking for a semi-permanent to permanent solution to hair removal should consider it. Just remember that its meant for dark hair and will not work on white.


dumb strategy

Trump wants to have a tariff war except he is incredibly unclever.

In order to pander to his base in the rust belt he is going to risk further alienating American allies and hurting US companies who rely on imports (which includes Canada's aluminium).

This deeply stupid individual is continually making errors even as he begins to feel Robert Mueller's breath on the back of his neck. Michael Cohen has 15 lawyers working full time to examine potentially damaging evidence (they tried to move a June 15th deadline mandated by a federal judge). The state now has in its possession audio recordings and shredded documents being put back together and the bill is adding for Cohen only increasing the likelihood he will turn state's evidence against Trump.

It is just a matter of time now and with Trump potentially testifying before Mueller during which he will most assuredly purjer himself, it doesn't look good for this horrendous presidency.

At least let's hope so.