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Showing posts from 2018

the intellectual dishonesty of the right

Ben Shapiro is completely disingenuous. By deliberately starting out by conflating social democratic governments with pure socialism he outright lies so he can criticize these successful models. He eventually states that they are not socialist but then badmouths their expensive social programs and saying that the left is confusing these states for socialist ones.

Shapiro speaks quickly (all the while sounding like he's high on helium) but isn't going to convince a discerning thinker with this sort of propagandist tripe.

Social democracies are not just about purely capitalism (apparently the only important metric for Shapiro). They are about raising the standard of living for an entire culture. But Shapiro prefers to sell his feeble argument on FOX News where he's sure to find a receptive audience.

Watch David Pakman break down the complete lack of intellectual honesty and once again confirming what a total dweeb Shapiro is.

NB: Journalist Jamal Khashoggi was beheaded and h…

freeze dried

I have become convinced that our identity (including gender) becomes freeze dried during prepubescence. From there we then grow as individuals, both intellectually and in life experience, but that essential core remains unchanged.

It’s funny, I only need look at my children and they confirm this for me. Their essential characters have remained the same only they are morphing into adults with the added complexities that it entails.

What happens to us is that we are impacted by the world and that unique character is affected by the things we learn. If we are very fortunate, we will be able to understand what we should abandon and what we should swallow but the challenge is that we are too young for the level of discernment which is required. Thus, we are often left riddled with baggage to remove later.

The key is then to go back to that naked version of ourselves only with the wisdom we have picked up along the way hopefully engrained. If there is an advantage to aging it is this: an op…


"An extremely quiet child" they called you in your school report
"He's always taken interest in the subjects that he's taught"
So what was it that brought the squad car screaming up your drive
To notify your parents of the manner in which you died

At St. Patrick's every Sunday, Father Fletcher heard your sins
"Oh, he's unconcerned with competition he never cares to win"
But blood stained a young hand that never held a gun
And his parents never thought of him as their troubled son

"Now you'll never get to Heaven" Mama said
Remember Mama said
Ticking, ticking
"Grow up straight and true blue
Run along to bed"
Hear it, hear it, ticking, ticking...

They had you holed up in a downtown bar screaming for a priest
Some gook said "His brain's just snapped" then someone called the police
You'd knifed a Negro waiter who had tried to calm you down
Oh you'd pulled a gun and told them all to lay still on the …


I have never stood here before.

This is a first for me in that I am sitting at an equidistant point between transitioning and not.

There are several reasons for this but one is that it is not easy to live in two gender roles. You sometimes even confuse yourself and presenting in one form in society is easier. Also, nothing stops you from enjoying life and keep any interests I currently have and, should I choose transition, it could be purely social in nature.

On the other hand there are still remnants of my current life which command my attention and keep me firmly in my current role.

In truth, we should be able to live life as we want but society seems to beg that we decide. They want to know where you stand because, like it or not, so incredibly much about our existence is still parsed out by gender.

That equidistance sometimes confuses me because I vacillate between the two poles, some days more sure of one than the other. Has Joanna advanced over time? Yes admittedly she has but t…

a classic look I like

For me there is simplicity and elegance in a long coat, classic black pumps accented with pearl earrings and necklace. I guess you could say it's almost timeless.

I don't wear this coat out often because it's a little too dressy for everyday use but it's not going anywhere either and will stay in my wardrobe.

Although I wasn't yet born, it takes me back in time to the 1950's when I put it on...

the skull by the bedside

Life is fleeting and recently I featured a short video where it was recommended (only partly in jest) that we keep a skull at our bedside as a reminder.

I am at the age where friends and acquaintances are sometimes diagnosed with cancers or brain tumors and we marvel at how they are still too young to face such challenges; except our mortality doesn’t play favorites and it can come fetch us at any time. I lost a close colleague to pancreatic cancer a few years ago who never made it to 60.

Thinking this way does not make me despondent but instead reminds me how important it is to treasure every moment of our existence. There are so many things we stress about that have no value and they evaporate into nothingness a short while later. Hopefully I am becoming wiser as I age and learning to be more discerning about what to give importance to.

The fact is that I don’t think about my mortality enough for if I did I would really learn to truly live my life one precious day at a time; no dwel…

Blood on the Rooftops

"Dark and grey, an English film, the Wednesday play
We always watch the queen on Christmas day
Won't you stay?

Though your eyes see shipwrecked sailors you're still dry
The outlook's fine, though Wales might have some rain
Saved again

Let's skip the news, boy (I'll make some tea)
The Arabs and the Jews, boy (too much for me)
They get me confused, boy (puts me off to sleep)
And the thing I hate, oh lord
Is staying up late, to watch some debate, on some nation's fate

Hypnotized by Batman, Tarzan, still surprised
You've won the west in time to be our guest
Name your prize

Drop of wine, a glass of beer, dear what's the time?
The grime on the tine is mine, all mine, all mine
Five past nine

Blood on the rooftops, Venice in the spring
Streets of San Francisco, a word from Peking
The trouble was started by a young Errol Flynn
Better in my day, oh lord
For when we got bored, we'd have a world war, happy but poor

So let's skip the news, boy (I'll…

trusting your instincts

There is a handwritten journal that predates this blog by 2 years. The reason I began to write was to sort out my emotions about being trans and how I was going to manage my life around it.

But later another motivation was added.

I became indignant about people who didn't share my life experience weighing in on what they thought made me tick; all in a way that I couldn't relate to. This was too much to bear for someone who had struggled over this difference for so long. Hence, I read everything I could get my hands on to be better able to arm myself but also hoping to find concrete answers. Those who read my blog know it is the product of a perfectly lucid mind so the mental illness diagnosis used to dismiss trans people will never fly with me.

After all that reading, what I ultimately learned is that we need to trust ourselves because there is a dearth of reliable information out there. Trust your instincts instead.

A lot of the fake science that has been concocted against us…

the animas

What is your male self versus your female self? What does it mean? I used to think I understood the difference but I no longer do.

When we point to this we are talking about behavioral traits. In other words, how we present which includes dressing and modes of expression giving others clues about what gender we are. But how do we feel inside is the most important question which is entirely independent to those visual cues.

This is the part transgender people need to get right and decide who they are.

That video of a young semi closeted trans person I featured showed us how someone can refer to gender only in external terms; one presents one way or another except one isn't more male or female because of just clothing. That journey must be made internally.

I was much more like her when younger but as I have aged there is less separation between the animas (as Jung would probably refer to them). My male and female are fusing into one entity I am happier with each passing day and I no…

how times change

How times have changed.

Whereas transition was something not to even contemplate for us, here is a young trans person who felt the opposite pressure. She looks and sounds extremely passable but decided it wasn't for her despite the social media presence of young transitioners potentially inspiring her to.

We are all different and I happen to think she's rather a smart cookie as well...

not looking good

Robert Mueller now has an IRS forensics unit working with him. Trump has repeatedly refused to release his taxes but now the jig is up and that phony front company he set up with his father to funnel money to the Trump children will no doubt also form part of the investigation. This is how 500 US million was transferred with only a 5% taxation rate instead of 55% as it was at the time. Financial transactions were falsified which the New York Times recently discovered in their investigation.

The front company all this money was funnelled through? All County Building Supply and Maintenance which did nothing more than inflate the value of transactions.

I suspect what Mueller will find (if he hasn't already) is a long financial relationship with Russian contacts leading up to the election. This of course included Flynn, Manafort and others who profited from Trump's arrangements. This undoubtedly includes Don jr. and Jared Kushner.

With Trump's poll numbers tanking in every sta…

more on our emotional well being

I wanted to touch a little more on emotional health which was the subject of that video I featured.

As a prerequisite to becoming emotionally healthy we need to wash off the elements of our social education which work against us. For transgender people that entails removing the tenets that were part of our patriarchal formation that all but ensured we became self-hating. If you broke the rules of that education, you were failing by not measuring up.

As I grew up I became my own worst enemy because I would sporadically fail at meeting the criteria for being a "real man". My forays into dressing were signs that there was something deeply wrong with me. This realization became truly evident as I hit puberty and was faced with a dilemma: “if you want to be normal you must rid yourself of these feelings”. Hence, I went about doing my best to eradicate them. Interesting thing though: the more you want to suppress something innate, the harder it bounces back.

My education was so pe…


While its great for Kenneth Zucker that he gets to walk away with a settlement and salvage his reputation over something he allegedly said about a former patient, I for one am glad his clinic is closed.

Reparative gender therapy took the approach that we could "fix" gender variant kids by encouraging them to stay within societally prescribed gender roles. While I am all for averting unnecessary transitions there could be a danger that transgender children would be treated in such a way they were left discouraged about their identity plus lead hopeful parents to expect their child would be repaired so they could avoid dreaded embarrassment.

Rather than dissuade these kids we should simply monitor them and not influence them either way. Many of them grow out of their gender variance anyway and those that don't will likely wind up as transgender adults. My nephew was left alone until one day at 17 he came out as gay. His princess dress phase was not panicked over and my bro…

Nicole Maines

Another well adjusted spokesperson for the trans community. We are going to need more like her...


Charlie Kirk is a right wing dim bulb who doesn't get the concept of irony. He castigates Taylor Swift for breaking her silence and finally taking a well-informed political stance while at the same time supporting Kanye West for his bravery in speaking out in support of Trump (a reality show president) and in his apparent wish to bring back slavery via abolishment of the 13th amendment. Kanye might want to read the amendment first before taking a stance on it.

As long as Charlie gets his pay from the Koch brothers, or whoever else is paying his salary, who needs principles or logic...

emotional growth

poetic justice

Sometimes God gives us what we need so we can learn. Yes, even in Trump country...



"Why do we never get an answer
When we're knocking at the door
With a thousand million questions
About hate and death and war?
'Cause when we stop and look around us
There is nothing that we need
In a world of persecution
That is burning in its greed

Why do we never get an answer
When we're knocking at the door?
Because the truth is hard to swallow
That's what the war of love is for

It's not the way that you say it
When you do those things to me
It's more the way that you mean it
When you tell me what will be
And when you stop and think about it
You won't believe it's true
That all the love you've been giving
Has all been meant for you

I'm looking for someone to change my life
I'm looking for a miracle in my life
And if you could see what it's done to me
To lose the love I knew
Could safely lead me through

Between the silence of the mountains
And the crashing of the sea
There lies a land I once lived in
And she's waiting there f…


If gender dysphoria is best described as "gender expression deprivation anxiety" (and I feel it is- thank you Anne Vitale) then what happens when we don't deprive it? In other words, would allowing young children free reign over their gender expression help to eliminate or at least reduce the desire for transitions down the road?

This is something I have pondered for some time.

By now I am convinced that the pull towards the other gender is mostly biological in nature but if we feed it through more leniency in societal expression are we averting some transitions? I believe that for some people this could be the case. Make no mistake in that I am completely and ardently pro transition, but I wonder about those who are sitting on the edges of full blown transsexualism and how they could be helped.

Living in two gender roles is challenging. I know because I am doing it but what if we removed that need completely by liberating everyone to be themselves in their manifestatio…

I want my sex back

You could be forgiven for thinking this is a propaganda film but I don't quite see it that way. It's worth watching because it is a profile of 3 people who regret having had their surgery. One of them you will recognize instantly as Walt Heyer: the crusader who thinks every transitioner can be saved through repentance. He also seems to have no qualms about spreading false statistical information.

These different people tell us what many of us already know: namely that transition is not a panacea for everything that ails you and should never be undertaken under any kind of mental duress. Interestingly, one still lives as a woman even as she professes her second thoughts and, to my eyes, still looks comfortable as one.

This short film doesn't pretend to present both sides of the issue because clearly transition has benefitted many people in this world and the regret rate is small. What this short film does, however, is serve as cautionary tale about what can happen when you …


Comments are disabled for this video on YouTube and you can well imagine why: the trolls would be out in droves. The basic question as to what it is to be a woman is at play here. The feminist blogger is hung up strictly on DNA and does not want the title of woman misused or appropriated by, in her view, men who want to become women. She is not interested in the subject of gender dysphoria or why its now called a gender role transition and not a sex change but never mind.

It's the classic and simplistic argument of gender identity equals birth sex and you won't settle the complexities of the nuances involved here in a short segment like this one..

my to do list

My to do list has been morphing. For years there were diapers to change, putting them to bed, then sporting events, doctor appointments, helping with homework and advising them through tough times.

I am proud of the work my ex and I put into our children as they are both fine human beings. They are different and yet carry that same thread that we tried to bestow upon them of trying to be be a kind and dignified person with principles; a person who does their best in an imperfect world.

My to do list has turned inward and about what I need to do. Both my children don't seem to mind the idea that their father might be a woman and that I may need to live this way.

I have zero regrets about the choices I made because I can look back and know that I didn't shirk responsibility. I did my best to help raise two people who now accept me completely as I am without reservation.

My aspirations and goals are now centered on internal peace and tranquility of spirit and not some outward ach…

fire and rain


I've lived long enough to appreciate and comprehend that life is about the unpredictable. In fact, a good deal of our existence involves learning to assimilate change that is often thrust upon us without warning. Things look bleak and then suddenly they don't or it's the reverse.

We should be used to navigating around obstacles by a certain age and yet it is never easy. What our maturity brings is that resignation which spurs the rolling of the eyes when we understand that, in some cases, fighting is futile for we know the quicksand around us will only invite quicker immersion.

Sometimes the certainty of a disaster turns into an opportunity gained down the road which is why it is best not to stew in the juices of an event which finds us despondent.

It is said that the only constants in life are death and taxes but to that I would the unavoidability of change which invites us to adapt.

As someone who, from a young age, has wanted to control things around me I have had to le…


I'm afraid that Mr. O'Donnell is right...

what are the odds

It was the colour of cooked strawberries and I fell in love with it right away. Plus, it was on sale.

"It's great color for the fall and it even goes with your lipstick"

She was right but I didn't need the sales pitch since I was already hooked.

I hadn't planned on buying a new purse but both salesgirls thought it suited me and my final inspection in the mirror sealed the deal.

Later at the cash I glanced over at the young woman next to me buying some heels. She was a transwoman I would estimate to be no older than 25 with the slightest husk in her voice but looking lovely and confident. I dared not say anything to her to make her feel uncomfortable because for most people she would fall under the radar but not for me. I took a second glance to be absolutely certain.

There we were, two transwomen from two different generations 30 years and 3 feet apart with the younger one having had a slightly easier road. But I was bouyantly glad for that and I couldn't con…

headed in the right direction

Sometimes people ask me if I am seeing anyone including those who know I am trans to which I always give the same answer: I am battle fatigued. But there is more.

Over the last 2 years I have given a lot of thought to how transgender people from my generation or older can find companionship and I don’t think that it is easy. The overwhelming majority of the trans people I know are either closeted to their spouse, the spouse knows but doesn't want to see it, they are divorced due to this or suppressing their identity so they can stay married. There are some happy stories of course (Halle’s and Nadine’s come to mind) but the rest are about navigating around the elephant in the room to try and make things work.

Crossdressers can balance their lives because their dysphoria tends to be weaker or non-existent and periodic dressing seems to work for them, but I lean heavily towards the transsexual side of the spectrum making my life that much more complex.

However, by this age I have fir…

"It has to stop now"