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my face

Over my life I have had a love/hate relationship with my face. I didn't mind the way I looked but I used to hate that I would sometimes appear feminine in pictures and can recall hoping that no one would bring it up. I possess a slight jaw and my nose is aquiline and not particularly big which today helps me to pass but, back when I was deep in denial, one of the worst things you could have said to me was that I looked in any way female.

Contrast this with today where I relish a reality which gives me the freedom to opt out of FFS or hormones (should I decide never to take them).

Transgender people go through phases (sometimes for many years) when we plunge headfirst into defining our masculinity to avoid the inevitable acceptance which must come. We grow beards (as I did in college) and go to the gym to forget that deep inside there is an immovable and permanent identity.

As I examine how I want to live the rest of my life, it is good to know I can bank on genetics I had nothing to do with to help keep my options open.

The picture below is over 10 years old now and I used to view it with a strange mixture of satisfaction and embarrassment; such was the conundrum that my mind was in. But the psyche cannot remain in that state forever and it must come to a place of resolute knowledge of who one is and accept it.

I used to wonder if the face I was given was somehow correlated to my transgender nature and why my brother was not given the same traits I did not like about myself. I don't expect to ever have that answer.


Comments

  1. You describe a situation most of us face (pardon the pun). I hated my face growing up, especially after puberty made it more masculine. Eventually I stopped caring about it entirely. There's a lengthy, well-written article in The New Yorker one or two issues ago about surgical efforts some TG people pursue to feminize their facial features. (It's available on their website.)

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    Replies
    1. at least with the advent of FFS many more transgender people can lead more comfortable lives as themselves and face much less scrutiny. I know I am quite fortunate but many are not and I have seen testaments to the wonders that this surgery can bring

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