Skip to main content

a precarious balance

I got a text on my cell this week from a trans person I hadn't seen for over 10 years. At that time each of us was married (he remains so to the same woman) and we met in a Montreal café which no longer exists to compare life experiences on being trans. The conversation flowed and we lost touch after that. But he reminded me during our brief text exchange this week how challenging living with dysphoria while being married can be; all the more so when that union is strong and we wish to keep it that way.

When I was being treated at the hospital gender program in 2007 they were struck by how apologetic I was for being trans. I didn't give myself an inch and over time I came to realize that part of self acceptance comes with a little self preservation. So while our spouses tell us how hard it is for them, we wallow in repression and unfulfilment. Far from saying that we ignore the partner's wishes I am proposing that balance is not keeping our identities hidden in a closet. But our instincts carry us there because guilt is part of our everyday lived experience so when they wince we back away apologetically.

I am in the situation, whether enviable or not, where I won't do that any longer because I simply cannot.

Of course balance is a highly subjective thing for a couple and what some would find acceptable others would deem grounds for divorce. My only counsel would be to carefully evaluate what balance truly means especially if you value your health. Because at its worst, gender dysphoria is a debilitating and life draining beast. If you are a transsexual as I am you don't have a choice for it is permanent and unrelenting and you must find a way to grapple with it. Sometimes sheer will isn't enough (which was the case for me) and I was slowly sinking.

If you can stay married and balance your life it is by far the best solution but each must add some water to their wine; not just the trans person.

Image result for balance

Comments

  1. What I know from walking that path might bring little comfort, yet here it comes.

    As you might know, when I started blogging, my only purpose was to find a way to keep my marriage, and somehow learn to live as a male. I failed in both. I desperately wanted find a balance.

    Eventually, however, self-preservation dictated that I had to stop living to please others, whether they were family or friends or strangers who might find out I am different.

    Along the way, the balance point shifted, over and over until finally I accepted myself.

    I had to give myself permission to become me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. your words don't bring comfort to those who are striving for that balance but I am in complete agreement with you Halle. We cannot be someone we are not to please others because it is too difficult to keep that up. However if some formula works for both it may be possible to bridge the gap. I have tried desperately over my life to walk that tightrope and it ultimately did not work hence what is left is to give myself permission to be myself...

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men. Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting. If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself: "About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies. The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was t

my last post

This will be my last blog post. When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion. With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in. Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We

Never Say Never....

 I was certain that I would never post here again and yet, here I am. It’s been several years, and life has changed me yet again. I have burrowed further into my psyche to discover more internal truths about myself all in the silence of a life lived with more periods of reflective solitude than ever before. After attempting for many years to be a problem solver for others, I needed to dig deeply to discover who I was, which should be a necessity for all people and an absolute imperative for those of us who dare rub against the grain of conventional society. The most important thing we can do for ourselves is honor the internal voice which has driven us since childhood. That whisper which we were compelled to ignore through our initial indoctrination must be listened to again for guidance. I knew I had spent too long heeding messaging that wasn’t working for me as a trans person, and it was time to stop. For the world gleefully basks in a level ignorance and hypocrisy we are not abl