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answering the question

I have been pondering the subject of gender dysphoria for many years now and back when I thought I was a deviant in need of a cure I was certain that I could defeat this calling within me that has always been there. It took me a long while to admit that I wasn’t a crossdresser or a T-girl. Most seem to be able to put the clothes away until the next opportunity and don’t necessarily suffer the persistence of a gender dysphoria that almost never sleeps.

But the reason I am no longer conflicted is because I have accepted my reality fully: transsexualism is a condition one is born with. There is nowhere left to hide and I am tending to my reality in an imperfect way for now and maybe for the long haul.

However, I also don’t want to get to the end of my life wondering “what if” which is why I have begun to consider the possibility of a transition. I am at that edge where on the one hand there is hesitation about stepping through an uncertain door and on the other is the excitement of new possibilities. I suspect I will know in time what I should do.

My friend Sherry who I chatted with recently reminded me that you do not live your life entirely for others and she was forced to jettison a relationship with parents who refused to accept her transition. She simply moved on because she had to; it is our life and not theirs.

I have said here before that gender dysphoria worsens with age but now I don’t think so. What happens instead is that we fatigue of the world and its opinions and begin to look increasingly inwards to answer the question: what do I need to do?

I have been focusing more on my own needs lately than at any other period in my life and perhaps it is high time that I answer that most important question because it turns out that trying to live a quasi normal life while suffering from dysphoria didn't work for me but it certainly wasn't for lack of effort. One of the main reasons I am happier now is that I have simply abandoned that impossible target.

But no matter what I decide to do, my 18 year old son recently told me I would still be the same person and to do what makes me feel comfortable. That got me a little misty eyed although I don't think he noticed.

Turns out he would love me just the same.

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