Skip to main content

answering the question

I have been pondering the subject of gender dysphoria for many years now and back when I thought I was a deviant in need of a cure I was certain that I could defeat this calling within me that has always been there. It took me a long while to admit that I wasn’t a crossdresser or a T-girl. Most seem to be able to put the clothes away until the next opportunity and don’t necessarily suffer the persistence of a gender dysphoria that almost never sleeps.

But the reason I am no longer conflicted is because I have accepted my reality fully: transsexualism is a condition one is born with. There is nowhere left to hide and I am tending to my reality in an imperfect way for now and maybe for the long haul.

However, I also don’t want to get to the end of my life wondering “what if” which is why I have begun to consider the possibility of a transition. I am at that edge where on the one hand there is hesitation about stepping through an uncertain door and on the other is the excitement of new possibilities. I suspect I will know in time what I should do.

My friend Sherry who I chatted with recently reminded me that you do not live your life entirely for others and she was forced to jettison a relationship with parents who refused to accept her transition. She simply moved on because she had to; it is our life and not theirs.

I have said here before that gender dysphoria worsens with age but now I don’t think so. What happens instead is that we fatigue of the world and its opinions and begin to look increasingly inwards to answer the question: what do I need to do?

I have been focusing more on my own needs lately than at any other period in my life and perhaps it is high time that I answer that most important question because it turns out that trying to live a quasi normal life while suffering from dysphoria didn't work for me but it certainly wasn't for lack of effort. One of the main reasons I am happier now is that I have simply abandoned that impossible target.

But no matter what I decide to do, my 18 year old son recently told me I would still be the same person and to do what makes me feel comfortable. That got me a little misty eyed although I don't think he noticed.

Turns out he would love me just the same.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

how times change

How times have changed.

Whereas transition was something not to even contemplate for us, here is a young trans person who felt the opposite pressure. She looks and sounds extremely passable but decided it wasn't for her despite the social media presence of young transitioners potentially inspiring her to.

We are all different and I happen to think she's rather a smart cookie as well...


indoctrination

As transgender people, organized religion hasn't really been our friend however on the other hand it has often had little to do with true spirituality. I needed to learn this over time and much of what I was taught growing up was steeped in the judgmental superstition of society instead of what some creator would demand of me.

Regardless of your belief system, you are a child of the universe and have been endowed with uniqueness and goodness of spirit. You have probably never wished anyone ill will and you have tried your best to live within the absurd coordinate system of humanity. Yet somehow belonging to the LGBT community was entirely your fault.

As I have grown older this inherent irrationality became increasingly evident to me. I knew I was a fundamentally good person and yet I was different in a way which was not of my choosing. Hence with this comprehension my self appreciation and esteem grew in proportion.

Religion for me today seems forever trapped in the misinterpretat…

let's please read carefully

This post is prompted by a recent comment I received to one of my older posts and I wanted to address it.

I used to wonder why some transgender people accepted Blanchard’s work until I think I figured out why: they may not have examined it closely enough. They would experience cross gender arousal and then accept it was Autogynephilia without properly understanding what the term meant and what the theory said: it is an invented sexual “illness” which makes people transition. In other words, it is the arousal itself which causes this desire and not a pre-existing gender identity which does not align with birth sex. Of course, Blanchard has no explanation for the origin of his proposed “illness” only that it is a form of sexual deviance.

My counter proposal? we transition despite this arousal. In other words, the transgender identity is pre-existing and the arousal is the result of the mismatching of burgeoning sexual feelings towards females and this misaligned identity; it is not per…