Skip to main content

second guessing myself

I no longer second guess myself about presenting as a woman; I know it will go well.

So much of this is about self knowledge and fortitude and just not giving a hoot about what others think. The important thing is that I am comfortable. I used to balk at the thought of a banking or car appointment as Joanna and going swimming was a definite non-starter but now it's my default presentation. It has also expanded the number of people I deal with on a regular and semi-regular basis which in turn increases confidence even more.

I think coming out is the best thing I ever did followed by my current effort to meld myself into one person. I feel that eventually I will fuse what used to feel like two distinct but co-existing gender roles into one although I could be wrong. The fun is in the exploration I suppose.

The second guessing was getting me nowhere and it had to stop because it was steeped in fear and insecurity. Instead I am focusing on being happy which I very much am these days and I went to my blood test the other day not thinking twice about how I would present. Everything went the way I expected it should.

Sunday I was at the pool and a group of teenage girls were having their pep talk in the locker room before their basketball game in the gym next door. They paid me no mind until I wished them well before heading to my swim and a couple of them said thank you. So clearly I have arrived at a new level of comfort I had not envisioned ever attaining with the voice, the mannerisms and the general presentation all there like a spontaneous reflex.
Image result for second guessing


  1. It is interesting to monitor the fusion of two into one; I do it now and then. When fear goes, everything else falls into place I think.

    Your cartoon reminds me of something I often say: "I would procrastinate, but I never get around to it!"

  2. I often think about how fortunate you are that you pass seamlessly because I have little doubt that I do not. As I went through various stages of transition I (probably like all) experienced a lot of fear and self-doubt. Now, though, I simply go about my life as a (trans) woman with little to no apprehension other than what all women should stay aware of.

    A friend recently recommended I read a book titled "Stone Butch Blues," which had many parallels to our experiences, sans the violence, hopefully. I took note of this line from the book: “Someone once told me that being brave means doing what you gotta do even though you’re scared.”

    It's really hard to know what one's "gotta do." The key, I think, is to follow a path similar to yours where we experiment, evaluate and consider how we feel, perhaps repeat multiple times to ensure the feelings aren't clouded by euphoria or fear, and if it feels good, continue with another experiment that is closer to full transition. Like falling dominoes at some point those leaps of faith become easier and even more fulfilling.

    1. I am not certain there is one correct path here Emma. Part of the reason I proceed as I do is that I am scared to death of erring hence I go very slowly and always assumed I couldn't pass until shown otherwise. The fact that I blend seamlessly had much to do with how I changed my mind set and just let myself behave in a feminine manner instead of someone in female clothing. My genetics have helped me no doubt but it was the mental work that did the trick. I don't know of another way to proceed in testing what I need to do.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

how times change

How times have changed.

Whereas transition was something not to even contemplate for us, here is a young trans person who felt the opposite pressure. She looks and sounds extremely passable but decided it wasn't for her despite the social media presence of young transitioners potentially inspiring her to.

We are all different and I happen to think she's rather a smart cookie as well...


As transgender people, organized religion hasn't really been our friend however on the other hand it has often had little to do with true spirituality. I needed to learn this over time and much of what I was taught growing up was steeped in the judgmental superstition of society instead of what some creator would demand of me.

Regardless of your belief system, you are a child of the universe and have been endowed with uniqueness and goodness of spirit. You have probably never wished anyone ill will and you have tried your best to live within the absurd coordinate system of humanity. Yet somehow belonging to the LGBT community was entirely your fault.

As I have grown older this inherent irrationality became increasingly evident to me. I knew I was a fundamentally good person and yet I was different in a way which was not of my choosing. Hence with this comprehension my self appreciation and esteem grew in proportion.

Religion for me today seems forever trapped in the misinterpretat…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…