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second guessing myself

I no longer second guess myself about presenting as a woman; I know it will go well.

So much of this is about self knowledge and fortitude and just not giving a hoot about what others think. The important thing is that I am comfortable. I used to balk at the thought of a banking or car appointment as Joanna and going swimming was a definite non-starter but now it's my default presentation. It has also expanded the number of people I deal with on a regular and semi-regular basis which in turn increases confidence even more.

I think coming out is the best thing I ever did followed by my current effort to meld myself into one person. I feel that eventually I will fuse what used to feel like two distinct but co-existing gender roles into one although I could be wrong. The fun is in the exploration I suppose.

The second guessing was getting me nowhere and it had to stop because it was steeped in fear and insecurity. Instead I am focusing on being happy which I very much am these days and I went to my blood test the other day not thinking twice about how I would present. Everything went the way I expected it should.

Sunday I was at the pool and a group of teenage girls were having their pep talk in the locker room before their basketball game in the gym next door. They paid me no mind until I wished them well before heading to my swim and a couple of them said thank you. So clearly I have arrived at a new level of comfort I had not envisioned ever attaining with the voice, the mannerisms and the general presentation all there like a spontaneous reflex.
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  1. It is interesting to monitor the fusion of two into one; I do it now and then. When fear goes, everything else falls into place I think.

    Your cartoon reminds me of something I often say: "I would procrastinate, but I never get around to it!"

  2. I often think about how fortunate you are that you pass seamlessly because I have little doubt that I do not. As I went through various stages of transition I (probably like all) experienced a lot of fear and self-doubt. Now, though, I simply go about my life as a (trans) woman with little to no apprehension other than what all women should stay aware of.

    A friend recently recommended I read a book titled "Stone Butch Blues," which had many parallels to our experiences, sans the violence, hopefully. I took note of this line from the book: “Someone once told me that being brave means doing what you gotta do even though you’re scared.”

    It's really hard to know what one's "gotta do." The key, I think, is to follow a path similar to yours where we experiment, evaluate and consider how we feel, perhaps repeat multiple times to ensure the feelings aren't clouded by euphoria or fear, and if it feels good, continue with another experiment that is closer to full transition. Like falling dominoes at some point those leaps of faith become easier and even more fulfilling.

    1. I am not certain there is one correct path here Emma. Part of the reason I proceed as I do is that I am scared to death of erring hence I go very slowly and always assumed I couldn't pass until shown otherwise. The fact that I blend seamlessly had much to do with how I changed my mind set and just let myself behave in a feminine manner instead of someone in female clothing. My genetics have helped me no doubt but it was the mental work that did the trick. I don't know of another way to proceed in testing what I need to do.


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