Skip to main content

more thoughts on cross gender arousal

I have been reflecting for many years on how cross gender arousal originates.

Firstly, the transgender child has already exhibited (or hidden) some gender variance for several years before they arrive at puberty (I wasn't older than 4 when scolded for wearing my mother's shoes). But when they hit puberty a dilemma occurs: the object of the sexual attraction is also someone whose gender they identify with either fully or partly. This contradiction affects the imprinting of the sexual identity but it is not well described as target location error but rather as a pull in two separate directions which leaves the gynephilic adolescent facing two distinct paths. I was keenly aware of this problem but wanted to be normal so I suppressed the dysphoric feelings as hard as I could. I wasn't attracted to my own image as a woman but rather to the idea of being a desirable woman as well as being with one. That juxtaposition fused to my gender core and I was left with a riddle to solve: choose one or the other but not both.

The sexuality is in a sense left in a kind of limbo where one is neither complete man or woman. You are like a blossoming woman only with male equipment and nothing feels quite right. You also learn you cannot please a woman properly without imagining yourself as one during intercourse which brought me much frustration and shame. Some gynephilics are virtually asexual before transition and the process sometimes sees them reverse orientation and solve their problem. They can now be the object of affection of a man and become that desirable woman that they fantasized being. This is a best case scenario.

Today gynephilics who don't reverse orientation post transition can find love by pairing with bisexual women who accept them as they are. The years of hiding and suppression we went through are avoided. We should remember that there is no such thing as perfectly normal sexuality as evidenced by the Kinsey studies of the late 1940's. There is instead a scale which means that transgender people whose sexual identity has been impacted by dysphoria have a greater chance at happiness than my generation did. They can fully accept themselves first and then find the right partner if that is what they desire.

We also note that this arousal greatly dissipates with age leaving the original transgender identity completely intact if not stronger.

But even if my fascination with the mechanisms that created me continues, something has changed. My primary concern is more how I feel. We should all ask ourselves: Am I happy on my current path? If so then we should stay on it.


  1. I experienced cross gender arousal long before puberty, early elementary school. Every night as I lay in bed waiting for sleep, dreaming and wishing for being a girl, experiencing girl clothing and activities, and coming up with elaborate fantasies that would lead up to my being treated and cared for as a girl. So, no surprise how these fantasies emerged after puberty.

    About a year ago I confessed to my therapist that I was concerned that I experienced arousal feelings "down there"... maybe that was bad or wrong, perhaps I was a fetishist and was deceiving myself by rationalizing my desires/behavior as being trans? Not to worry, she advised. In fact, she suggested that I follow those feelings and use them as a barometer.

    Yesterday afternoon while selecting my clothes for a somewhat ritzy dinner meeting my feelings were like a divining rod, drawing me to a pretty blue dress, tights, black booties, and this awesome new black jacket I recently acquired! I had a terrific time among old friends and making new ones.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

how times change

How times have changed.

Whereas transition was something not to even contemplate for us, here is a young trans person who felt the opposite pressure. She looks and sounds extremely passable but decided it wasn't for her despite the social media presence of young transitioners potentially inspiring her to.

We are all different and I happen to think she's rather a smart cookie as well...


As transgender people, organized religion hasn't really been our friend however on the other hand it has often had little to do with true spirituality. I needed to learn this over time and much of what I was taught growing up was steeped in the judgmental superstition of society instead of what some creator would demand of me.

Regardless of your belief system, you are a child of the universe and have been endowed with uniqueness and goodness of spirit. You have probably never wished anyone ill will and you have tried your best to live within the absurd coordinate system of humanity. Yet somehow belonging to the LGBT community was entirely your fault.

As I have grown older this inherent irrationality became increasingly evident to me. I knew I was a fundamentally good person and yet I was different in a way which was not of my choosing. Hence with this comprehension my self appreciation and esteem grew in proportion.

Religion for me today seems forever trapped in the misinterpretat…