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natural

I had a second dinner with that young estimator from Toronto last night. During the meal she told me how entirely natural my presentation as Joanna was and wondered how she would feel seeing the male again. She suggested, without being rude, that she prefers the woman she dined with.

This is not the first time this happens to me where people see the entire package and wonder how I was able to hide being transgender for so long.

I often wonder myself.

Comments

  1. Even if someone who had known my male persona did not say something like that to me upon their meeting the "authentic" me, I could sense it. What's that they say about letting the cat out of the bag? I learned very quickly that I was even more uncomfortable living life as a man after my "secret" had been revealed. I figured that, if I truly believed I was meant to live as a woman, showing myself both ways did not reflect my honesty and commitment to myself - and I felt lesser as a person and a friend, as a result. I don't think it's fair of me to expect others to deal with the dichotomy I might have created for them, and I certainly can't expect that they would ever grasp who I really am. As hard as it was before my reveal to hide myself from others, it is even more difficult to negotiate life and relationships as both genders. This kitty will never be put back in that old bag! :-)

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  2. I'm not going to push, but I think the world is telling you it is OK, and in fact probably preferable, for you to transition to live full time as Joanna. I'm like Connie, my neighbor to the north, no going back for me.

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  3. Thank you both for your invaluable input 😁

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  4. As I've met with people who only knew my male persona before that moment, I have learned that many of them either already knew of the feminine-me through the grapevine, or they had been sensing a difference in my demeanor that was not so flattering. I actually get a bit embarrassed when I hear those things, because I thought that I'd had such control over it all. I had been wasting so much energy trying to keep things in order; in fact, I had to keep things in order for two people. When I learn that people already knew, I am both relieved and upset with myself for having tried to continue the facade for so long. Then, I learn from these people that they are relieved, as well. I've lost only two relationships, and they weren't that great in the first place.

    Marcia can speak better as to the effect it may have on a career. I sabotaged mine by giving in to my dysphoria. I couldn't see the male-me keeping contact with clients, and I was afraid they wouldn't accept the female-me, so I eventually dropped out and went into hiding. I had always prided myself for my honesty and dependability, and I had become neither. I'm so happy that I'finally did what I had to do for those qualities to be a part of who I am again. Unfortunately, I'm too old and physically worn out to start over in that business now.

    No, we're not pushing you, Joanna. From what you write, though, I think Marcia is correct. It's your decision to go full-time, but we all know you're ready. We don't need to wait for Colin Kaepernick to say "Just Do It" :-)

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    Replies
    1. Omg Connie you are too funny. Yes like you I am petrified of the work situation and even if HR is promising to make it smooth the people from my generation are the ones I worry about. They may say nothing to my face but then have a great old laugh in private over coffee. If I do something it may need to be outside of my male dominated engineering business. Things are changing but not fast enough for me...

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    2. I was a subcontractor in the construction business. The things I would hear on job sites and the offices from those guys were awful, and I understand your fears. It's tough enough to be a woman in any workplace, but to come out as a trans woman can make it even harder to endure. I believe that many of those rough and tough construction guys were probably laughing at me behind my back, anyway, because I didn't play along. The thing is, they also knew that I did good work, and I know now that it would have been just as good had I been doing it as a woman. It took burning a lot of bridges for me to look back and realize that, though.

      Don't burn the bridge while your still standing on it? I don't know, but I won't burn my Nikes while I'm still wearing them - no matter what Colin says about sacrificing everything. :-) (I have never owned a pair of Nikes, but, ironically, I usually wear New Balance sneakers)

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