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Being on the fence with my type of transsexualism means that I am never sure. However, I am more certain than ever that I need to investigate all possibilities.

Chatting with my friend Sherry the other day she brought up a good point: the notion that fear shouldn't be my primary motivator here. If transition isn't for me that's fine but not because I am paralyzed with dread.

I was brought up to try and think of others first and left the management of my dysphoria as something to be limited to dressing only. Now that my children are grown and I am on my own, I cannot allow fear be the deciding factor.

The problem is that, unlike Sherry, I have invested 3 more decades putting all this off. That entrenchment and life lived is not easily remade but then living part time is perhaps not the most elegant of solutions either.

So is this fear or about something else? this what I have left to examine with the bonus that I am no longer afraid to hold things up to the light with absolute clarity of mind.

As I age and become more comfortable in my skin I have been thinking more about finding a permanent solution to my dilemma.

Is the answer to live with one foot in each world?

I am not sure yet.

One thing is for certain: I don't buy into standard narratives and my life is my own. There is no roadmap other than the one I fashion or myself.


  1. I'm not sure I agree with "don't attempt transition unless you absolutely have to". After all, how in the heck does on determine unequivocally that one absolutely has to do anything?

    I'd suggest that Joanna consider how she feels when she's out and about as a woman vs. as a man. If it's about the same then maybe nothing more than going out as Joanna from time to time. But if she feels a deep longing to be Joanna when she returns to her masculine persona that would tell me a lot.

    Unfortunately (if you will) the next experiments toward transition are a little more significant. Perhaps, Joanna, consider what experiments you might run, and how you'd assess them after the fact.

    For example, try taking a low dose of HRT to see how it feels, and how it affects your life as Joanna and otherwise. If it feels good you still have three options:

    1) Stay at current dose, which won't change your body;
    2) Increase, with the awareness that you will develop breast tissue (albeit small) and have some other affects that may or may not be permanent.
    3) Stop, and see how that feels.

    1. This is good advice Emma and I know you are following this approach which seems to be working for you

    2. I'd also like to add: what is the definition of "transition" anyway? I think it means transitioning from living ones life as one gender to the other, but...

      - Some trans people are bi-gender, meaning they float back and forth.
      - If one does transition to the opposite gender (legally, name, presentation, etc.) that doesn't mean that they need to take HRT, have GCS, or anything else.

      It's all up to the individual and doesn't make them any less or more than anyone else. Even as I transitioned to living full time (if you will, my very own RLE) I didn't anticipate HRT or GCS. As you know, Joanna, I did try HRT, liked it, and continued on to the full dosages and I'm very happy with that.

      I've thought about and investigated FFS and at least for now I just don't see a need. I may pass from time to time - it's hard to tell for sure - but in some ways I'm proud to just be out living my life as a woman with a transgender history.

    3. Very smart thinking Emma you are on the right track missy 😁

  2. Interesting subject. Figuring out how we fit into the world isn't easy and there's no right answer for everyone. We have to craft a path that works for us individually.

    1. You are correct Ally there is no magic perfect formula except our own


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