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understanding your core identity

Before one can offer oneself to another there must be a clear understanding of identity. This I have come to learn with absolute certainty and that its definition can lie outside the box of conventional wisdom. In other words, you get to decide who you are which then leaves you open to welcome truly honest friendship and perhaps love.

For all my life I did the opposite: try to fit into a premade box so that I could be accepted which was completely wrong. It is how I can feel so free today. There is no substitute for understanding what makes you tick even if that flies in the face of everything you have been taught.

Once you arrive there, the choices to transition or not become easier because they are made on your plain of existence and free of the angst of what will people think. It doesn’t matter what they think. A nice chunk of the world is composed of people who will be against anything you do no matter what that is.

The most important life lesson is to love yourself fully before accepting love from someone else. Yes, we can fix our flaws of course but what constitutes your core will not be changed and this is what must be absorbed and accepted without reservation.

It is what I have finally succeeded in doing and, if a hard headed person like me can, so can you.
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  1. Exactly, Joanna! As I keep saying: One can't really come out until she's come clean. Be honest with yourself first, then with others, if you've been keeping a part of yourself hidden. Otherwise, it will always be a matter of "what" you are, rather than "who" you are.

    1. Truer words were never spoken Connie...

    2. Because, after accomplishing that, a truer self will be revealed! I so regret the wasted time and energy I spent trying to figure out "what" I was, when all I really needed to do was recognize "who" I was. After that self-recognition, others could easily recognize who I was, as well. It seems so easy, in retrospect.

    3. I am beginning to understand that

    4. Why do I find understanding my core identity, my "who I am," my realization of self so elusive? I have far more years behind me than I have ahead of me and despite a lifetime of trying to understand me I remain a complete mystery to myself.

    5. Kati we won't understand every aspect of ourselves but one of the keys needs to be removing yourself from the coordinate system that tells you who to be. We were all exposed to pervasive and invasive societal modeling that we need to escape. Once those vestiges are removed we can begin to define ourselves on different terms.

    6. I am currently on a path of remodeling my psyche completely free from the obligations my patriarchal upbringing. It has allowed me to embrace my femininity without feeling ashamed or guilty that I have let someone down

    7. That wasted time and energy does not only rob oneself, but also those others who we love. My regrets are not only for myself. The guilt I had for being what I was became guilt for keeping who I was a secret. It's no wonder to me when I hear from a trans person that others find them to be more comfortable and likable after coming out. It's because those people are finally seeing a more-whole person.


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