My entire childhood and adolescence was about trying to sneak moments in where I could enjoy being feminine and then paying the price later with the guilt and shame that followed; the little voice that told me I had just broken the rules yet again.
This cycle is often pervasive and hard to break and many of us have had to go to psychological treatment to repair the damage. I was fortunate in that the initial 6 months of gender therapy I received at the hospital in my early 40's plus writing this blog helped me to become free and yet there are still remnants left over from a life lived feeling that one is a social pariah. The older one is, the more difficult lifting that veil becomes.
Yesterday I walked into a local mall to have my coffee. It is a place where many people know me and that feeling of freedom was particularly strong. I no longer think in terms of passing but am simply enjoying being who I am without apprehension or the slightest doubt which pays off in great dividends. The greatest of which are peace of mind and spirit.
People see and treat me like a woman and I know this because I have seen the progression over the years. I have lived the role of that person who looks down at the ground or anywhere besides other people’s faces. This might not be something a cis-person understands but for many of us it is nothing short of radical because it amounts to an emancipation from an education that taught us we were rejects.
This freedom is the biggest gift you can give to yourself because, Lord knows, the most important person you have to tend to is yourself. How else can you look after others without that.
Next week I will be 56 years old and I don't think I have ever felt more like myself.