Skip to main content


Which would you rather have: being tolerated or being embraced?

I think it’s fair to say that most transgender people would choose the latter but settle for the former thinking that this is the best they’ll get. But here is the interesting thing about the world: there are all kinds of people in it with different points of view.

We who were born before the trans revolution, might have seen being tolerated as the ultimate prize. We thought that if we could at least avoid outright rejection then we really had something special. But since having achieved a solid internal acceptance of who I am, I have realized that being tolerated is a cop out because having someone love you while rejecting an intrinsic part of your identity is hardly a lofty goal. This is not a reflection on them as much as it is on us because we felt that we deserved no more than this and so we ran with it. Both we and that partner were educated in an environment which saw any form of gender variance as anathema and we counted our lucky stars just to find someone.

Today being embraced to me means being appreciated for everything about you. The gift of someone who can see past the externals and see inside your soul is rare, but it can be found.

Perhaps it can even find you.


  1. When I share my music from a stage, I put my whole heart and soul into it. I would rather people walk out on me than to end up receiving polite applause. Of course, the preferred reaction would be that they give me an enthusiastic standing ovation. I can produce background music, when the occasion calls for it, and I then really have no expectations of reaction at all.

    As a person (who happens to be a trans woman), most of my life is just background music. I expect nothing more than to be tolerated. The more personal connections I may make along the way come with a higher expectation, however. The more I share of myself, the more vulnerable I become, Wanting, and needing, to have relationships of heart and soul is worth risking rejection in the process, and I have achieved acceptance far more often than I have rejection.

    Like most everything else, one gets about as much as one expects. If the only hope is for toleration, then that's probably the best one will get in return. In most cases, we are treated by others just the way we've given the signals and permission to treat us.

    As you say, we want to be accepted for everything about us. If all we do is expect to be tolerated for our trans status, we don't even give anyone a chance to accept the whole of us. I have almost forgotten that I am trans, although I'm aware others may be aware that I am. If nothing else, though, that works in my favor, as, to some, I'm immediately a more-interesting person because of it (sometimes a curiosity, anyway). My hope is, in the process of our engagement, another can almost forget that I am trans, too.

  2. Yes I hope for you that people see your being trans as just part of who you are but not only that. If you don't focus on it because you don't think it's a game breaker and just live your life someone might just see the whole of you one day and buy into it all. Regardless it's better to love ourselves first and then see what happens.

    1. I think that those of us who are "older" might have succumbed to the dysphoria to the extent that we don't see beyond our gender identities far enough to recognize the lovable parts we posses. If we're obsessed with the trans part of ourselves, how can we expect anyone to see anything else in us?

      One thing I've noticed lately is that nobody asks me anything about "trans" anymore. Certainly, people have had many of their questions answered through an increased exposure in general, but I have to believe that my attitude about myself has changed to the point where my very essence shines past my "transness."

    2. Which is wonderful and sign that you've arrived at your destination

  3. I'm getting there, anyway, There's always room for improvement! I had spent so many years feeling helpless and hopeless, which now seems a lifetime ago. Though only a bit over a decade ago in time, I do feel like it is a new life.

    The reason I chime in so often is that I might help someone else to learn from my mistakes, as well as my successes. You so often bring up topics in your posts that I can relate and speak to. Thanks, Joanna. <3

    1. You chime in as often as you like Connie ๐Ÿ˜€

  4. I decided in the summer of 2017 to relocate to the Seattle area. There were any number of reasons including that I was already starting to make friends. There are many areas in the region that are beautiful and less expensive than the city itself. I explored them a bit but it dawned on me one day that I wanted to be welcomed, not merely tolerated. I thus opted for an area just south of downtown. Loving my life here!

  5. Considering all the things we seem to tolerate in Seattle, trans people have been elevated in status....maybe. Things have changed so much since I moved here fifty years ago. I'm sure that I could have come out ten years earlier than I did and still have been tolerated then, but I was I was my toughest critic. We all want to be welcomed, not only as trans women, but for who we are as individuals.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men. Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting. If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself: "About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies. The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was t

my last post

This will be my last blog post. When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion. With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in. Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We

Never Say Never....

 I was certain that I would never post here again and yet, here I am. It’s been several years, and life has changed me yet again. I have burrowed further into my psyche to discover more internal truths about myself all in the silence of a life lived with more periods of reflective solitude than ever before. After attempting for many years to be a problem solver for others, I needed to dig deeply to discover who I was, which should be a necessity for all people and an absolute imperative for those of us who dare rub against the grain of conventional society. The most important thing we can do for ourselves is honor the internal voice which has driven us since childhood. That whisper which we were compelled to ignore through our initial indoctrination must be listened to again for guidance. I knew I had spent too long heeding messaging that wasn’t working for me as a trans person, and it was time to stop. For the world gleefully basks in a level ignorance and hypocrisy we are not abl