Skip to main content

succumbing

I don't know if I could have tried any harder to fit into expectations others had for my life. Today I am still a very disciplined person but my dysphoria was something i couldn't solve until i found that the best way to deal with it was to succumb.

Many trans people don't realize that we are not born the same as other people and trying to be like them doesn't work for us. Our failure is in thinking that we can fit a square peg into a round hole instead of embracing our natures. In that sense, succumbing isn't failing but rather awakening to a reality that is not easily accepted because you've been raised and conditioned to reject it from the moment you are born.

Hence, I don't view my attempts to fit in as failures but as lessons which brought me here and gave me the calluses I needed to grapple with the difficulties of this life. By comparison I can now handle challenges far easier because I have already faced much bigger ones and survived.

From a very young age, my secret life of a girl was kept to the safety of locked doors and empty houses. Except that hiding gets you nowhere except feeling that you are somehow less than whole and no one deserves to feel like that.

Comments

  1. I'd have to agree with you totally on this Joanna. Perhaps we could explain this to those who say how brave we are to come out. Finally having the courage to be oneself isn't brave ~ it is succumbing to the inevitable.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes indeed Halle it is not bravery but rather fatigue of trying to be someone we are not finally taking its toll

      Delete
    2. I don't see my being authentically me as inevitable. It was either find and be myself or have a self-truncate my life.

      I've been told that I'm so brave too and indeed, as I took each step in my journey I had to face fears, take the leap, and come out on the other side. In hindsight it doesn't seem so courageous perhaps because I'm so much happier and at peace than I've ever been. So being called "brave" didn't fit for me, and I thought a lot about it.

      I believe that all people, cis or trans, straight or gay, whatever, struggle with choices to find their authenticity and fear exploring, becoming, and living authentically. Most get married, find themselves in some sort of career/job, and muddle through life, often haunted by unrealized dreams and wishes. Thus, we all admire those who've achieved whatever level of authenticity that they have.

      More and more cis people - while they struggle with comprehending transgender people - recognize how, from their perspective, challenging it is to not only come out and be real, transition (to whatever level we individually need), live our lives, and be comfortable even within societies that are at best tolerant and at worst hostile and dangerous. That's why they admire our courage and bravery.

      Delete
  2. ‘When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everyone will respect you.’ ― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
    x to you both :-)

    ReplyDelete

Post a comment

Popular posts from this blog

my last post

This will be my last blog post.

When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion.

With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We are …

epilogue

While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...
















One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men.

Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting.

If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself:

"About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies.

The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was that it …