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no shortcuts

I am a fairly good case study in what many transsexuals go through:

- I have had gender dysphoria ever since I can remember and began dressing quite young and in private by using my mother's things.

- By puberty, arousal patterns began to show up, prompting me to begin a cycle of dress, orgasm and purge which lasted many years.

- Now with full acceptance achieved and in my fifties, the arousal is all but gone with a strong transgender identification remaining completely intact. I must now put more effort into fantasizing so that I can achieve orgasm. In parallel, my comfort as a female cements itself the longer I spend time in the real world.

The things I read about all happened to me in the similar pattern. The older we get, the stronger that bond becomes. I needed to experience it for myself to finally understand the testimonials.

The dampening of the arousal has helped immeasurably because I am more able to focus on the core identification which is distinctly female. Despite my persistent denials over the years, this is the way it has always been. I am living proof that you can run but you can't hide and, while others have done something about all this sooner, I can look back and realize I had far too much to overcome and a long road was going to be required.

For me there were to be no shortcuts to self comprehension and that's okay, because there are also no regrets.


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With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

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While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...

love of self

If you feel you are doing something wrong it shows. Your demeanor, body language and facial expression all conspire to betray you.

You are a clandestine "man in a dress"; you know it and everyone else can too. Your cover has been blown. I've been there and it's frustrating. The source goes back to your self image and the notion that you are somehow a freak of nature; and perhaps you are but what of it? the only way out is to embrace yourself fully and unconditionally. I don't mean to suggest that you are perfect but just that you were created this way and you need not seek forgiveness for it. You are a creation of God.

Misinterpreted religion is a big culprit in all this. These negative images of yourself came from reinforcement of stereotypes by ignorant people interpreting what is right and moral by their own barometer. You simply ingested the message and bought it as the gospel truth. Self confidence and critical thinking is the way out of your dilemma. It can…