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Family gatherings are wonderful and at the same time they're not. They can be reminders of the spaces that time and experience creates between people who grew up in the same household. Their uniqueness is even further magnified by the pairings we produce with people who themselves bring a diverse background into a marriage.

I am present but am removed as well and reflect on how the years have shaped all our grown children; their diverse opinions and behavioural traits speak volumes about the reality that, at our root, we are all solitary creatures who mostly live inside our own heads.

Robert comes to me and asks me if he looks okay. The sadness in his eyes betrays his inability to hide that his schizophrenia greatly perturbs him. He wants to get off his meds and yet he cannot because the voices will return even stronger. At 24 there is still much hope that something will be found to solve this most virulent strain of his disease. He watches everyone for tell tale signs that they are talking about him and occasionally verbalizes that concern only to be reassured that people are not. The apparent happiness of his cousins must be frustrating given his awareness that he cannot revel in his own.

I do my best to reassure him that there is hope.

We do not choose our family or our lot in life and therein lies it's inherent unfairness but also its opportunity for finding our own way.


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my last post

This will be my last blog post.

When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion.

With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We are …


While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men.

Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting.

If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself:

"About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies.

The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was that it …