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I’ve thought about this a lot over the years: the idea that we are conditioned to be masculine beings fighting an innate impetus towards the feminine which pushes back against that indoctrination. To what degree is our socialization able to override a basic instinct and become successful in drowning it out is of interest to me.

There can of course be a delayed effect and people who we describe as late-onset have typically tried everything to escape a draw that will not rest. But there are others whose dysphoria is not as potent who manage somehow to quell their desires and continue to present male. Masculine and feminine behavior and qualities can of course reside in a person without an impetus for a change but in others it becomes all but impossible to resist. How that dividing line is defined and how successful the ability of some to resist a transition is a very difficult thing to predict.

Here is where other factors come into play such as beliefs, family support and financials to help become additional variables in something so utterly complex. I think that there is also a period where we get lost in trying to root out the difference between what is a forced socialization and the real person lying underneath.

That superposition often takes many years to sort out and is why it delays many people’s push towards a transition. The image versus the real become intertwined in a way that they cannot always be easily separated.


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my last post

This will be my last blog post.

When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion.

With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We are …


While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...

love of self

If you feel you are doing something wrong it shows. Your demeanor, body language and facial expression all conspire to betray you.

You are a clandestine "man in a dress"; you know it and everyone else can too. Your cover has been blown. I've been there and it's frustrating. The source goes back to your self image and the notion that you are somehow a freak of nature; and perhaps you are but what of it? the only way out is to embrace yourself fully and unconditionally. I don't mean to suggest that you are perfect but just that you were created this way and you need not seek forgiveness for it. You are a creation of God.

Misinterpreted religion is a big culprit in all this. These negative images of yourself came from reinforcement of stereotypes by ignorant people interpreting what is right and moral by their own barometer. You simply ingested the message and bought it as the gospel truth. Self confidence and critical thinking is the way out of your dilemma. It can…