Skip to main content

Posts

Showing posts from March, 2019

gender critical

Natalie talks about TERFS and stuff....


Xanadu

Today is the era of the singer. The compositions are awful and unimaginative but they all have great pipes.

Well, Jeff Lynn couldn't do voice trills but he could compose pop songs like almost no one else and if you study the cleverness of the chord structure here you will realize how good a song this is. I cannot help but think like a musician but you don't need to be to realize there is strong composing going on.

The irony is that many of these seventies songs end up as samples on what might otherwise be a train wreck of a hip hop composition...


where the sky meets the sea

For an older transgender person like me who tried their best for so long to live within a gender role aligned with their birth sex, it is hard to know where the real self begins and the fabrication ends. A good analogy might be looking into a calm horizon to see where the sky ends and the sea begins.

This is what I have been working on of late.

Back then we didn't have the choices available today and any speaking out on our perceived identity would have been met with nothing short of exorcism. Therefore, understanding we were locked into an expected role, we did our best to comply. The problem is that when you spend decades doing that, it becomes a baseline that you confuse with the true self. The created persona and who you really are become entangled like two hopelessly jumbled wires and our job then becomes to separate them to better understand ourselves.

My future life as a female is contingent on this exercise because it will help me determine if things stay status quo or I a…

canard

The religious accommodation excuse is a canard. Right wing fanatics in the United states are using freedom of religion to discriminate against people they don't like which of course includes us.

By stacking the courts with conservative judges this heinous administration is ensuring that institutionalized prejudice becomes the norm and people can refuse to serve trans people because their very existence goes against their moral values. Of course morality has nothing to do with it since being who we are isn't a moral issue but a simple fact of nature. However by allowing these laws into the books it reinforces the idea that we are a movement of choice or a fashion trend.

Conservatives are not great lovers of science or logic to begin with and everything is a hoax, thus they prefer to let their mantras override what should be a simple case of accommodation of people who are simply different and didn't choose to be the way they are.

So whether it's using a restroom that f…

what's not to like?

Yes he's only 37 but he speaks in complete sentences and has an intellect Americans might be able to get behind especially after 4 years of captain idiot.

I don't know how far he'll get in the primaries but dark horses can win sometimes. Look no further than the last presidential election as proof.

I for one, very much liked this appearance on Bill Maher. .



floaters

Eye floaters are loose cells which detach from the inside of the eye and form strands that can sometimes affect your vision. They appear increasingly with age and sometimes not much can be done about them. Sometimes they resolve on their own but in more extreme cases laser may be required to get rid of them.

I currently have such a situation in my left eye where the cell strand is just annoying enough to be distracting but not impairing to my vision.

If any of you have this keep an eye out (pun intended) and see an optometrist if it becomes untenable.


Capitalism PLUS

aware

You may have noticed that I am increasingly comfortable referring to myself as a female; something I never did in the past on this blog. I took a very long road to erase much of my social programming and have come to touch the core of who I am which is essentially female and always has been. But to admit that, I first I needed to take ownership of my transsexualism.

I was aware of these things very early but I knew well enough not to try and express it openly, for late 1960's Spain would have been among the worst places to do it; a machismo culture steeped in Roman Catholic mysticism.

Knowing who I am on the inside is extremely reassuring and it is the reason so much pressure has been lifted from my shoulders. No matter what I do now regarding some possible version of transition, that certainty will keep me balanced and happy for the rest of my days.

Dressing well on a budget

Justine really knows her stuff and she is no fan of fast fashion or excessive buying. She prefers the French style of having a few very good pieces and mixing and layering with those.

It goes beyond just budget, it is about good taste and knowing what works on your body.

I must say that over time the size of my wardrobe has gone down instead of up and I couldn't be happier about it...


Mary Kay

When I was at the Woman's show I signed up to win a Mary Kay package knowing that I would be contacted by one of the sales reps. I didn't mind.

Sure enough, Louise who doesn't live far from me called and wants me to come to her place to try some of the products in the line. I told her to call me next week and we can set up an evening where we can do this. The only condition is that I am not switching foundations (because I am happy with Sephora no 30) and will come with no makeup on except that.

She was fine with that and it should be fun. Plus she sounds like a really nice lady.


what happens next?

Watching a lowbrow simpleton like Trump do victory laps in front of his MAGA crowd is distasteful to be sure but we need to remember that we don't yet know the full contents of the Mueller report.

Robert Mueller had a huge hurdle in front of him namely: to prove without a shadow of a doubt that there was a deliberate conspiracy to work with a foreign power to rig an election. Was there clumsy contact and attempts to derail the Clinton campaign? Absolutely and there were 37 indictments by Mueller that prove the point of there being subterfuge afoot.

Trump isn't clever enough to have concocted some elaborate plan to work with Putin but if we get our hands on his taxes we will find evidence of tax evasion and likely money laundering via the banks known for dealing with international crooks. There have been likely dealings that contravene the US emoluents clause.

Turtle boy Mitch McConnell will do his utmost to block the release of the report but, even if it is and incriminating e…

mental health days

Today I am off work and going to get my summer tires put back on the car as I don't want to drive to Ottawa on the 12th of April on my winters. That day is the start of my girls weekend and, if all goes well, I will be meeting Halle for breakfast before my friend gets off her Toronto train.

I booked 2 rooms in a nice old hotel right in the center which will mean doing mostly walking and leaving my car behind. Ottawa is a highly walkable city plus my friend is also in the early stages of her pregnancy. Thus it's going to be my chunkier heel pumps or flats for this girl and will save my stilettos when we go for dinner.

I am counting on no one needing to cancel this trip but you never know what could come up.

By the way, I call these occasional Fridays off when I can be myself for the entire day my mental health days and boy are they ever worth it.





playing it for laughs

Poor Piers Morgan is a smug and arrogant prick who unfortunately represents one faction of the conservative community who uses this very argument on trans people:

"Today I feel like a boa constrictor so I'll call myself that"

Not only is this line of argumentation frightfully stupid but it is also disingenuous. A human and a snake are not biologically the same but a man and a woman are in 98% alignment. Add to that the fact that one's identity is not germinated in the genitals but in your mind, and you can see how these silly analogies from the right are easily dismissed. They do however play for a huge laugh from the peanut gallery of the simple minded; the kind of people that Morgan is playing to.

This subject is too complex and nuanced even for those of us who have been reading and studying it for decades, hence the opinions of prejudiced knuckleheads doesn't count for much. However, just once I would like someone on television to adequately call these morons …

Schiff's got cojones

Adam Schiff shows class, dignity as well as chutzpah as he scolds the corrupt cabal that is the Trump administration and their cronies...


how we got here

Yes it was a flop. Neoliberalism and its dependance on markets adjusting on their own didn't work bringing the wrath of the white blue collar worker along with it. It is how Brexit happened and how a reality show tool like Trump was elected. People saw elitists who didn't understand them and they made them pay via the ballot box.

Conversely, the American right keeps making the same mistake forcing me to make one of two conclusions: they are hopelessly stupid or think we are because trickle down economics is a dud that will never work so long as greed overrides everything else. Companies look after their investors and could give a shit about the well being of a society. It is the worst kind of short term thinking which, if left unchecked, will continue to add to income inequality.

America's myopia is its raison d'etre which is its penchant for individual rights over collective ones. As long as this holds true a society continues to flirt with implosion. When the general…

Dirty work

lifetime

In the future transgender people will no doubt increasingly benefit from a world virtually devoid of gender stereotyping. Indoctrinations are powerful things and we realize it more as we age. As we look back we examine the tenets we took for granted as being factual and are aware how much of what we swallowed was steeped in societal custom. Thus, many of us alive today are still creations of Pavlovian experimentation and, because of it, separating how much of my thoughts on gender are hard wired biologically versus the product of social programming can be difficult. Nevertheless, I have worked at making a distinction between the two aspects to understand myself better. People like me who are well into our fifties were raised in a world where the divisions between the sexes were hard lines drawn so firmly as to give virtually no leeway.

I am fascinated by how these next generations who have been spared this stereotyping will comport themselves sociologically. For example, transgender …

Which way the wind blows

"Look, see how the world goes round,
Look, see how the day goes on,
You, it won't stop to help you
Me, it won't stop to help me.
All the time a wind is blowing
Where it's blowing next we don't know...

Look, some spend their days in slumber,
Look, someone is weary toiling,
Home, be my guest and come back home.
Come, you'll be better off at home.
All the time someone is dying,
Where he's dying next we don't know...

I sit in the sunset
Watching God's evening,
Receding so gently now
Into the Westlands.
I think I'm at peace now
But of nothing am I certain
Only which way will the wind blow next time?

You, you might never have been saved
Ah, well you might not have been so brave,
Time would have shown the parting waves
And you slipping under Autumn's gaze
And now I know that nothing is what it ever seems.

I sit in the sunset
Watching God's evening,
Receding so gently now
Into the Westlands.
I think I'm at peace now
But of nothing am I cer…

elitist issue?

AOC embarasses bought Republican flunkies who take money from the oil and gas industry while calling a Green New Deal elitist...


it takes time

We may want to desperately protect our children but then we don’t give them enough credit for understanding and absorbing things. I think it is because I took my time to introduce them to this topic that they were able to travel along with me and learn without being jolted into needing to accept things right away. Today they are on my side and don’t discriminate against me for being trans.
This is a mistake many of us make: we want to get to a destination so fast that we spring the news on children and expect them to adapt as quickly as we need them to. It doesn’t work that way and we need to remember that a family transitions along with you.

Your idea of transition may be unique to you. It may be that you simply have a feminine persona that needs expressing or conversely that you ultimately need to medically transition. In either case, there must be a slow adaptation to something you may have grappled with all your life, but which they have not had the luxury of being exposed to. We …

tiresome and old

Conservatives are a funny lot. They use argumentation that is so flimsy and discriminatory against transgender people that they don't even bother hiding their profound disdain.

This editorial in the Wall Street Journal is the same old claptrap about accommodation leading to violation of safe spaces for women. Never mind that trans people experience disproportionately high levels of violence per capita and they don't agress against anyone. Nevertheless, the writer Ms. Shrier, wants to protect 50% of the population by discriminating against the 0.6%; rocket scientist argumentation clearly this is not. She suggests that we are opening the door for men pretending to be women? (does that one ring a bell?)

Nowhere is the subject of gender dysphoria mentioned, the difficult lives of trans people touched on, or the general complexity of this issue addressed but then we need to remember that this is written by a conservative and they don't do complex or nuanced....

https://www.wsj.c…

growth

Jimmy in fine form

who are you?

Who are you? Do you know?

Maybe you never had a chance to fully find out because you spent years avoiding looking in the mirror. You simply turned away any aspect that didn't fit the official script you were told to follow.

That part of my life is now over but I still read about trans people trying to thread a line and hoping they won't get kicked out of their marriage for daring to do something as drastic as crossdressing and it makes me very sad. I decided a while back that I needed to be myself; fully myself. I wasn't going to compromise authenticity because that was too painful and continuing to walk a tightrope into my later years wasn't appealing in the slightest.

If any part of you thinks who you are is a pariah I would counsel you to stop it. Perhaps your spouse and family are reinforcing that idea which must be a very depressing thought. All I know is that walking that line so delicately didn't do me any favors and at least now I can breathe fully having t…

Holiday inn

Paul Buckmaster's arrangements and Davey Johnstone's mandolin...



repeat after me: nobody knows

Felix Conrad writes a nice little narrative here and exposes the problem in trying to deny cross gender arousal fantasies because we think it validates Blanchard's work when it does no such thing.

Blanchard (God bless his soul) doesn't know any more than you do because the science on the transgender condition is not even in its infancy; i.e. nobody knows.

So why would you waste your time worrying and not just live in the reality that transgender people have slightly different sexuality?

https://novagirl.net/blanchard-moser-do-women-also-have-autogynephilia

exchange

Here is a Twitter exchange between AOC and George Takei where they nail it right on the head regarding the fact that Trump is only the symptom of a much deeper structural problem ...

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

@AOC
"This is the REAL conversation we need to have as a country.

As horrific as this president is, he is a symptom of much deeper problems.

Even foreign influence plays on nat’l wounds that we refuse to address: income inequality, racism, corruption,a willingness to excuse bigotry"

George Takei

@GeorgeTakei
"Let’s say Trump goes down in disgrace from Mueller or the SDNY or Congressional investigations. We’re left with a big question: How did a guy like that get elected? Why do so many still support him? We can’t just say “Fox News” or “Russians.” We have serious issues to sort out"

They are both precisely right as there are deeper and more sinister reasons at play.

not so fast

There are plenty of other investigations into Trump throughout the country so while special counsel Robert Mueller could not conclusively prove that there was conspiracy, he made sure to very clearly state that his report does NOT exonerate Trump. Poor hand picked William Barr may have hated to include that part in his 4 page synopsis.

So while Republicans are cheering from the rafters and saying that this so-called "partisan report" should be burned, there is plenty of meat in that 600 plus page document that will be of great interest to Congress.

If I were Trump I wouldnt go back to sleeping too comfortably just yet although publically he will be touting this as a definitive clearing of all potential crimes. One thing is for sure: the American people deserve to know the contents of that report.

Ask yourself one simple question: if there was no collusion why did so many people surrounding Trump lie so much about Russian contacts? Perhaps because it wasn't so much Machia…

like a candle

There’s no question that we learn something after experiencing pain. My breakup was like that in that it forced me to examine all my sacred cows; the things that couldn’t possibly apply to me. Then, after a while the wound becomes cauterized leaving some tougher skin behind and your standards for yourself change. You recast your thinking in a way that favors what you will and will not tolerate for yourself. You also never want to hurt someone else again.

There is no handbook for relationships just as there isn’t one for rearing children. You muddle your way through in the dark trying to do your best not to make a critical mistake and hope that the model you witnessed in your own parents helps you avoid the inherent pitfalls of life.

I have remade everything and have concluded that the road for a trans person is perhaps best walked on one’s own; unless of course a precious gift falls naturally into your lap without you looking. Identity is not something one can negotiate away because …

All the nasties

0ne of my favorite songs from one of my favorite albums..


genes and our gender identity

Jack's got a great new post over at Crossdreamers about the latest research on finding a link between our genes and our gender identity....
https://www.crossdreamers.com/2019/03/new-research-on-genes-and-gender.html


culture war

I'm not certain that there is a bridge which can solve the culture war problem in the United States. The red and the blue sides are more entrenched than ever in the belief that the other side is a sworn enemy; a stance which is only amplified via each side's echo chambers. Make no mistake that this a cultural civil war taking place which pits urban against rural, religion against atheism and the extent to which each person is their brother's keeper. It will not be easily solved and in fact cannot be won.

I am not surprised that the country is so disjointed because the population is spread across such a vast landscape that the marked difference in thought was a virtual certainty. The problem is that this gap is being widened through a concerted effort to demonize the other side by feeding propaganda to such an extent as to make a meeting of the minds virtually impossible.

Could this be the beginning of a massive splintering that may never be repaired?

without missing a beat

As mentioned in my last post, the National Women's Show was a lot of fun and there were plenty of free samples to try. Whether it was hand cream, cheese, liquor or scarves there was something there for every taste. Some merchants were more popular than others and some also more insistent that you try their wares but no one was aggressive about it.

There was also quite a nice fashion show which had me chatting with the woman next to me about what we liked about each outfit.

So, I came away with a big goody bag of stuff and even bought a couple of products. Along the way my confidence as a woman grew yet again and showed me how well I fit into a large crowd of women of all ages without missing a beat.


update from the show

I asked a young woman to take my photo while at the show. It was really worth coming because there were all kinds of new culinary local Quebec products that I really loved.

I may post about these soon


Difficult

If you are transsexual is it possible to have complete peace without undergoing a transition? This is a question I have reflected on at great length and increasingly I am starting to think that the answer is no.

There is a caveat however.

While transition may bring you peace it may also being a host of other problems in the form of marriage breakups, estrangement from children, job loss and other challenges which may undo the benefits for you. If we are in middle age these decisions can be extremely difficult as we are typically embroiled with young children and in the middle of careers. This is why very young or much older transitioners tend to have an easier time. Either your life is only just beginning or conversely you are at that stage of life where retirement affords you your peace at long last.

No matter when you decide to do this it will be hard and your mileage may vary depending on your unique circumstances. This is why weighing the potential outcomes becomes crucial.

Life i…

Women's show

Later on today I will be going to the National Women's show and stay for a few hours. Will write a short entry on how it went and whether it was worthwhile this year.

I decided to do my nails regardless.


Ayla

Moonlight desires

Remember this one from Gowan with Jon Anderson from Yes lending a hand?...


think

If you are a fellow blogger I am far more interested in how you think than in what you do. After all, doing can be steeped in the mundane but it is how you interpret the choice of your actions and how you view your way forward in life that can have so much relevance in providing guidance to others who may be on the same path as you.

We grow through shared human experience and I have benefited greatly from the words and analysis of others who have come before me in helping to bring me internal peace and stability. Those sources were not necessarily always trans related.

Blogging for me is about human contact and helping each other to flourish as human beings, and it is in this light that we will help advance each other's journeys. For regardless of our particular situations, we are all beings who share the same aspirations in desiring to love others while being loved for who we are.


stereotypical

Letting go of the idea that you must do gender stereotypical things takes a while. After all, I was raised during a time when roles were very much set in stone and any divergence was quickly castigated with a barrage of scorn and ridicule. Today it is very different and kids are able to be themselves paving the way for a more egalitarian world. Whatever your inclination, you can usually find support in people who are just like you even if your own family shuns you.

The world I grew up in helped delay my self acceptance for I had little information to go on and no internet to help light my way. So I made myself fit such that I could be accepted and smothered inclinations best kept for the camouflage of an empty house; something which rarely happened in a family of six children.

I am both a feminine and a masculine being as we all are. For no human is lacking either and we manage to blend them into a proportion that can sometimes result in bristling against the sensibilities of a world …

blend

I used to feel like I was selling myself; like I had to convince people of who they were meeting. My primary problem was that I didn't have confidence in my thinking that they were able to see a woman.

Yesterday over coffee Patricia said to me:

"But that's all I see" and I knew she meant it.

I go about my business everywhere and I can see that I have blended into the background of life. I am greeted ebulliantly by people who know me and mostly ignored by those who don't. Subway rides used to be the type of thing to think about in advance as if some sort of challenge but they too have faded into normalcy and I stand in a crowded car without a second thought. That anticlimactic feeling is what I appreciate as there is nothing to overthink. I can just feel completely free.

I did a quick head count of all the people I see regularly whether they be friends, acquaintances, baristas, merchants, the receptionist at my car dealer or the check out girls at the supermarket…

9/9

Well wadda ya know, it turns out that George Conway was right...


She's leaving home

National women's show

This Sunday after Mass I will be having my usual coffee with my friend Janet and then both of us will go to the National Women's Show held at the Montreal Palais de Congres.

I went a couple of years ago with my friend Leticia and we both had fun but she is in Mexico plus I think that Janet would enjoy it. There are food demonstrations, hair and makeup demos and a fashion show among other things. There are also goodie bags given out containing all kinds of products. It's a nice girls day out experience and although not replete with earth shattering excitement it should be fun enough for a couple of hours.

Like most women there, I'm going to dress semi casual and will be sporting a black top, slightly cropped jeans and my black pumps.


sorry but no one size fits all formula

Compromises can be discussed in relationships, but it depends what one is compromising about.

A person who crossdresses on occasion, for example, can talk about curbing or at least maintaining the frequency of their activity but someone closer to the transsexual side of the spectrum has nothing to negotiate because we are talking about identity instead of something which is occasional. Clearly then, compromise is a highly personal thing and depends on what each person thinks is acceptable to them. One thing I know for certain is that absolute honesty is a prerequisite as well as a complete understanding of who you are. Hence, someone who requires full time feminine expression will not be happy with someone who wants to roll it back by half.

There are those who identify as transgender who may suffer mild to no dysphoria at all. In this case they may be able to carry on a relatively "normal" relationship. However, others I know (some of whom contribute to this blog) had to t…

Rain Dove plays with gender

caveman

I laughed to myself this morning on the subway platform as the Montreal metro system is now teaching manners in the form of new billboards. It's amusing and they extol behavior that they say is prehistoric and under threat of extinction. One of the panels shows a caveman running into a subway car and pushing everyone out of his way and the sad part is that it's not exaggerating all that much.

I never thought it would come to this but the job our parents used to do is now left to the city. Some people can't seem to understand the concept that we let others out before we go in; fairly elementary I would think. It is not.

In my building some people look up in amazement as I exit the elevator at the ground floor thinking there couldn't possibly be someone getting off; clearly rocket scientists. As they almost plow into my chest I just give them a subtle eye roll.

Ah yes, public civility.

the new bra

"Can I help you Miss?"

I was rummaging through the sales bin at Victoria's Secret and she caught me by surprise. She was all smiles and not a day over 25 (to my eyes anyway). The bras were all $25 and it was down to the fleshy coloured one pictured below or a brown one. I asked her which of the two would be the best choice to not show through under clothing.

"The flesh colored one" she responded without missing a beat. A woman about my age had been listening and nodded in agreement and another sales girl who had snuck up from behind made it unanimous.

"Are you sure about the size? Most women wear the wrong one"

"Oh yes I've been measured before" I said confidently.

At least it wasn't hot pink because I have made that mistake before. I didn't try it on at the store, but upon returning home it fit like a glove and inconspicuous under my top.

I'm really glad I listened to them.


another wrong step

Make no mistake in that the Trump administration military service ban originates with that twisted evangelical dweeb Mike Pence supported by Franklin Graham and the rest of the Pharisee American religious right that purports to be Christian.

Starting very soon, the almost 15,000 transgender active members of the military will have to present as their birth sex or face expulsion. Those who are close to retirement will risk affecting pensions if they do not comply.

Yes, this group doesn't care who you think you are, they are going to tell who you should be and if there was ever a venomous and willfully malevolent administration in the United States this is it. Its cancerous and small-minded tactics, based on beliefs completely in discord with science, are the norm instead of the exception. They tell their true believers that a crude simpleton like Trump was chosen by God to help them instill their draconian policies. Climate change is a hoax and industrial pollution need not be a ca…

calm

Being completely relaxed is a wonderful skill to learn. It should be something all of us work on as a prerequisite to a healthier life.

I became used to living with a very high degree of stress over my life; much of it unwarranted and needless and related to keeping my identity a secret. I am working on minimizing as much of it as possible from my life because I want to profit from a state of internal peace.

This is a very hard thing to come by as most of us live a little in the past and a lot in the future envisioning drastic things that likely won't transpire. Eliminating that wasted energy can only help us and I am preaching to myself as well as I write this. Nothing good can come of that negativity other than needless suffering.

There is of course good stress which motivates us to excel but unfortunately many live with far too much of the other kind.


simple minded

People who don't understand trans people think that we're somehow stupid; that we're not aware that we don't change our DNA if we transition. We transition to rid ourselves of a dysphoria whose origin eludes us and tells us repeatedly that we belong to the other gender. If a transition quiets the noise and we are happy afterwards, then we have done the right thing. There is no agenda other than that: to live in peace and harmony just like everyone else.

If I see another conservative ignoramus post something stupid about body modifications not changing the fundamental biology, I think I will scream for these people are thick beyond words. There is mean-spiritedness behind their movement and they want to focus on things that divide rather than unite humanity; it is part of their ethos.

Transgender people want to have resonant lives instead of dissonant ones. It is very simple and yet so difficult to understand by people only interested in literal and unnuanced interpreta…

goodbye to the mainstream

Self reliance is a good skill to learn in this life and I've had to excel at it. After a solid induction to life by my parents, I ended up relying mostly on myself to move things forward and in the process try and help others. Somewhere along the line however I forgot to help myself.

I am no longer doing that and am giving myself some TLC in the form of my current part time life as a woman which is going amazingly well. I am done with the apologizing for simply being who I am and can finally live guilt free after giving it the best effort I possibly could in a world not tailor cut for someone like me.

How strange that it was in failing in the mainstream that I was finally able to find myself.


Yet another spiral into idiocy

uniformity

It doesn’t matter what churches think about transgender issues as they are not well informed enough to form an opinion. When you base your theology on the idea that there is a man and a woman, and they make babies you aren’t going to have a very nuanced view of the way humanity works at its edges (yes I am aware I am simplifying).

For example, I don’t pay attention to what the Catholic church says about this issue because they don’t have a stance at all. Rather they repeat what their mantra is and perhaps feel bad enough for trans people to tolerate them; the same way they are supposed to tolerate the sick and the down-trodden. Religions are not set up for nuance. They were established with a group think center made to accommodate the majority but leave the marginalized groups out of the picture as not respecting the way things are supposed to be. Instead of embracing the variances inherent in the wider spectrum of humanity as having validity, they chastise them as choices people make…

cans and Brahms

The inimitable Rick Wakeman on the Fragile album by Yes which I listened to over and over and over....


What parenting a trans teen teaches you

sure footed

My experiments are going well and I am trying to see how comfortable I would be living as a transitioned woman. There is no one pushing me from behind and that makes it very comfortable. People don't give me a second look (unless its height related) and treat me like any other woman which is making it easier to decide but if you know anything about me by reading this blog, I take nothing as a given. My steps will continue to be sure footed and will segue towards my July visit with Dr. Morris. That appointment may lead to nothing but I need to have another chat with him to be certain about what to do.

Being female feels natural to me and always has; I just pushed that possibility away as a pipe dream but, with my full embracing, it is starting to feel like more than a plausible option. I have all my arsenal built with decades of practice under my belt and am ready to make a switch at a moment's notice if I wanted. I have come to appreciate that woman inside of me and, more and…

K. 427

Mozart's Mass in C Minor from the Amadeus soundtrack and featuring the marvelous Felicity Lott...


dysphoria

I know for a fact that not everyone who reads my blog is gender dysphoric. Some of you might crossdress for a variety of reasons and can perhaps put away the clothing and the feminine expression for a month and think nothing of it; I cannot. Bordering on transsexualism has been difficult and I have been this way since I can remember.

My earliest memories include a desire to express a feminine self which was not allowed to blossom because of the sex I was born as. Dysphoria can be manageable for a time but the longer you ignore it, the more insistent it becomes. Hitting my early forties was my breaking point after which I could go no further and sought help at the hospital gender clinic thinking naively that I could be cured. That was 15 years ago, and I am no longer the same person.

Full blown transsexualism is no doubt even worse and commands your attention like nothing else. For someone like my friend Sherry, transition was not a choice; it simply had to happen.

Finding a solution …

taxes, taxes, taxes

When they look into Uncle Donny's taxes they are going to find Russian ties to the Kremlin which of course surprises no one. Forensic investigator and Pulitzer-Prize winning author David Cay Johnston would know as he has been looking into the Trump organization's nefarious activities since the 1980's.

Watch....


The Ballad of Buster Scruggs

The Ballad of Buster Scruggs is a Coen Brothers anthology and it is mighty good. Set in the old west, it covers several stories with the usual wit and dark humor that the Coens are known for. It is also extraordinarily clever, very touching in parts and beautifully filmed.

Be sure not to miss this one on Netflix.


10 essentials

Of course you can add more items to this list, but here is what I consider to be the 10 most essential wardrobe items that every stylish woman should own as a minimum:

1) a black T
2) a pencil skirt
3) a good pair of well fitting jeans
4) a cardigan
5) a gabardine
6) a good pair of black pumps (they go with almost every look)
7) comfortable yet stylish ballerinas for walking
8) a pair of dress pants
9) a blazer
10) booties (fall into winter)

What have I missed from your top 10?


New Zealand

The PC safeguards are quickly falling by the wayside and we are saying what comes into our minds; it is profusely ugly. Tucker Carlson was found to be uttering misogynistic and racist things and nothing will happen because he is on FOX. Trump, who is the worst kind of lowlife imbecile, talks about the barbarians at the gates and national emergencies and is a hero to the Christchurch shooter as well as to Breitbart's alt-right audience just aching to find some group to demonize.

Yes, the public discourse has coarsened and aided and abetted by the social media divide which allows hate speech to go unfiltered since it has it's very own platforms. The flames are even further fanned by extremists who are joined in their chorus by leaders of nations which is a very bad sign. I am a big believer in education but also feel that half the world's population is effectively brain dead and virtually immune to it which makes them easy pickings for extremist propaganda. These are the kin…

bandwidth

I feel so glad for transgender and gender variant kids today that I can hardly contain my joy. Assuming that they are born into an educated and enlightened family, they get to make fully informed choices early in life. Gender has become more democratized than ever in our history and people who do not fit into oppressive societal roles can find a place for themselves. This includes deeply dysphoric transsexual kids who must transition.

My son described to me a young gay man in his high school who dressed female 100% of the time and did not consider himself transgender. He was expressing who he was which for him meant wearing female clothing. However he had no desire to change his body.

I am glad for myself too in that I have found a way forward as a gender dysphoric person. I cannot reverse all those years of suppression but I can live going forward in a way that honours who I am.

We can be a wonderful world of drag queens, crossdressers, gender variant and transsexual people and all l…

good advice from a trans girl and her mother

girls weekend

The weekend of April 13th is my girl's weekend. One of the employees in the Toronto office who knows Joanna will join me in Ottawa and we will have a good time sightseeing, shopping and dining.

It should be loads of fun as she is a wonderful person. She is also expecting her first child in July so the timing is good for in that she will still be relatively mobile. I am not going to over pack for only two and a half days hence just a minimal wardrobe, two pairs of heels, one pair of flats and an umbrella.

Should be a hoot.

On a separate note, I went out for dinner last night and the waitress was so nice to me and kept calling me Madame at the end of every sentence. It was very nice to hear and get such nice table service.


Contusion

Featuring the great guitarist Michael Semballo and of course Herbie Hancock on keys...


from the other side of that fence

My being trans didn't destroy my relationships but it absolutely did not help either for it made navigating the waters of daily life that much more complex through adding the stress of needing to circumvent my reality.

The relationships failed primarily for other reasons and yet I know that living more openly and honestly would have helped me.

I won't ever again entertain the idea of trying to get around who I am and what is helping is my nonexistent appetite for reentering those courtship waters which allows for my main focus to be an identity which is not up for negotiation. In fact no one's should ever be which is something I learned the hard way over my life.

When we are still embroiled in trying to fit in rather than being our true selves, we might be tempted to think we can have both a relationship as well as authenticity. But sitting on the other side of that fence today, I can clearly see that, most of the time, the answer is no.


convinced

We have arrived when we no longer feel the need to explain our identity to others for we have convinced ourselves, and that is the hardest part of all.




embraced

"Hey gorgeous"

She leans over the counter and stares me square in the eyes.

"Don't say that" I retort

"Why not? that's what you are" she insists

She is my son's age and cute as a button and she chats with me while she prepares my coffee. She has the longest lashes I have ever seen which no doubt got a little bit of help.

I haven't changed anything except that I am hyper confident as a woman. I know who I am and that resonates with people who see me; at least that's what I tell myself. I think there is no substitute for drilling down to your core and discovering who you are which has always been predominantly female. It doesn't matter how hard I tried to disguise it; nothing was going to change it. Now that my concious mind knows it there is nothing else left for me except regale in it.

We can run but we cannot hide and eventually she catches up with you begging you to see the girl in the mirror and embrace her.


tolerance and empathy

Christchurch is another example of white man's rage. It is the result of societal change bristling against the entitlement of monolithic societies not accustomed to sharing a landscape.

Here in Canada, Quebec City had it's own mosque shooting which left many dead and wounded although it pales compared to this one which had been live streamed directly to the internet by the 28 year old perpetrator.

Meanwhile in the United States, the fat imbecile in power, dog whistles to his base about the Democrats and the Mueller report almost daring someone to intervene except that these crazies don't need all that much goading as they are already operating on a hair trigger.

There will be more of these until we learn to put the right safety guards in place; the first one being the teaching of tolerance and empathy.


the coming years

I am really looking forward to the future.

Things are going to change quite a lot in my life in the next few years, and as my children become even more independent, I will be seeing a remaking of my life that is quite drastic.

What I seek is flexibility and the ability to work when I want. I have musical projects, continuing with this blog, working with Patricia, writing another book and possibly volunteering somewhere. This will all reinvigorate my life and provide some much-needed change.

To what degree I will transition remains open and I will test those waters very slowly. There is no rush to end up in a predetermined place, but I want to enjoy the ride and see where it takes me.

This is all contingent on health of course.

Roy Rogers

the pot calling the kettle black

What a monumental idiot Trump is. Apparently his own spasmodic accordion playing doesn't qualify...


salt water

I have been thinking about collating all my posts related to pseudoscience into one area on my site but I still need to figure out how to do it. I won't feature them all but just the ones I am most happy with. There is nothing more galling to me than reaching conclusions without sufficient evidence and whether it's Blanchard, religious crackpots or TERFS, there are different agendas out there all aimed at delegitimizing transgender people.

Consider that we are as old as humankind and yet our pursuers continue to push their agendas, some as if we were the new flavor of the month and had just been invented, when the only thing that has changed about trans people is that we are no longer in hiding and aren't going back.

I was trained to think rationally first by my father and then by my formal education and, finding holes that you could drive a truck through in the conclusions made by people who don't know what they are talking about, is one of the primary reasons this bl…

it's almost here

I am really looking forward to ditching the boots soon and switching to my pumps or flats. It felt like a long winter with plenty of episodes of freezing rain which made the streets of Montreal incredibly slippery.

My city is full of construction sites as we are getting a major face lift; one that is perhaps overdue as we slowly approach 400 years of age. But she will be beautiful again when it's all done.

Getting around without needing to wear a big coat and winter boots will be a welcome relief and this girl cannot wait.


I cannot have anything to do with you

in trouble yet again

Poor Tucker Carlson he just can't seem to catch a break these days. What with these pesky radio recordings of him being a total douche bag and revealing what he really thinks about women and men who marry underage girls.

Tucker always has that frowny befuddled look on camera; like the confused dog looking at you from the back window of your car wondering why you've left him behind. But I don't feel too bad for him because with his huge inheritance and myopic view of the world rooted in an entitled upbringing, he can afford to pontificate on social issues from the comfort of his FOX studio in his well right of center perspective.

However it appears that advertisers may have had enough and we will see what the fate of his show will be. Perhaps this time, even Republican women will have had enough of him.


hate

I am fascinated by hate.

It seems that its roots lie in the insecurities that people have about themselves and manifests itself in outward ways. Why would you hate someone who has done nothing to you and why would their life impact you in any way if you do not know them?

Much of the world thrives on hate as if it were oxygen. It permeates the pores and gives a raison d’etre to groups who must find enemies to slay lest they look inwards towards themselves and discover their own failings. People of every stripe who don’t fit someone else’s idea of normality will continue to become martyrs of those who themselves need repair but dare not ever look in a mirror.

The evolution of humankind depends of wiping out hatred but so long as there are those who have been traumatized through their own childhoods, it will continue to exist unencumbered by facts. It will fester in places where ignorance and bitterness incubate and find a home in another person ready to do battle with reality.

speaking of earrings

Thanks to Melissa for pointing out that typo in my post on earrings.

I also wanted to show off my new dangly ones which I really like....


this is not exactly news

Nice to see a John Hopkins psychiatrist confirm what most of us have already noticed. Trump has some sort of cognitive problem which could be signs of pre-dementia and it could be getting worse. Slurring words, strange Twitter misspellings, nonsensical rambling, making up new last names for people (hello Tim Apple), etc. It's all very strange but what is it going to take before something is done about it I wonder?

David Pakman speculates on his show...



journey

Living as a woman in my private life is teaching me much more than I could have imagined. Things are incredibly different for women in that there is more prejudice towards them but I find the role fits me like a glove. I like having other women smile at me and recognize me as part of their sorority. I like the banter I share with them and the comfort it brings me and I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to grow up as one.

Once I let go of the shame and guilt, I found it was easy to fit into a role that perhaps I was born to play except that biology got in the way. I have relaxed to such a point that I do not question myself in the slightest; I am just another woman going about her business in the world.

That's a monumental leap for someone like me but I am running with it.

I have read many intelligent transgender people's blogs in which they have stated that transition is not a goal but a journey and, without a target other than remaining balanced and happy, I will …

rough cut

Here is a very rough and early partial cut of my daughter's movie including some of my music on it. You can even see her partner near the end of this clip making some movements and watch the little alien character responding in kind. The animation process was very tedious but in the end proved very gratifying for the both of them.

They didn't end up using my music but I was still glad to have helped them in the early stages...


pierced

Once I'm done working full time I have decided to pierce my ears. It is going to give me a bigger choice of earrings to wear as not every style I like comes in a clip.

I will then treat myself to a nice pair of pearl earrings since I wear that style more than half the time.


The Virgin and the Gypsy

fringe

America has a long history of violence and demonstration and the more radical fringe groups have been emboldened by the Trump presidency; by a man who has no filter or moral compass.

The Proud Boys are one such group who helped organize the Charlottesville rally and whose members go to Trump rallies and cheer him on from behind his podium. They also go to progressive states like Oregon and demonstrate because they want to be seen, fight and cause general mayhem.

Yes, this president has picked up a rock and exposed all of the ugliness living underneath that dare not show its head before; or at least not quite so defiantly.

These fringe groups are not going anywhere and even when this disastrous presidency is mercifully over they will crawl back into their holes waiting for the next opportune time to strike.


GOP Jesus

grieving

ending

For me the last section of F. Scott Fitzgerald's "The Great Gatsby" is one of the most beautifully poetic endings to a novel that I have ever read and the last line stays with me to this day many decades after first reading it in high school...

"the old unknown world, I thought of Gatsby’s wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of Daisy’s dock. He had come a long way to this blue lawn and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him, somewhere back in that vast obscurity beyond the city, where the dark fields of the republic rolled on under the night.

Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter—tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther. . . . And one fine morning——

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past"



haste

My life is being simplified as the years go by. I have two adult children who are slowly finding their way in the world and the time put into them was worth every penny. But now its time for me and what my life will look like over the next few years.

I am very tempted to work as a woman whether that be full or part time and that will likely help me decide whether I formally change gender marker or not. This is the last piece of the puzzle for me and the end of a very long road which will have taken 60 years of my life to complete.

Those of you who are close to my age and in a comparable place on the gender spectrum understand all too well what a difficult road this is. We knew nothing back then and thought we were the only ones suffering from a difference we couldn't possibly comprehend. We had very little literature and had no one to talk to about it.

I am very hopeful today in large part because carrying a weight for decades builds muscles you don't even realize were there. …

the end of the party

Neoliberalism was a failed experiment. Espoused by the Clinton administration, Tony Blair and other world leaders it sought to work with open markets and open borders to encourage trade between nations without understanding the consequences of what that would mean for the middle and lower classes.

Corporations ran rough shod over the portions of those populations that could not be retrained and helped to create the current income disparity we see today. Without proper safety valves, nations such as the US were particularly vulnerable since those on the bottom rung had nothing to cling to.

This also led to dissatisfaction in Britain and helped foster Brexit as well as aid the election of Trump through the mistrust created by these open border centrists. Hillary Clinton and her policies represented the epitome of this movement which voters rejected.

If there is to be some good news to be had here is that the progressives are taking over he landscape thanks to a disastrous Trump takeover…

Cyrus??

This should scare the crap out of you...


blabbermouth

I'm afraud I'm a bit of a blabbermouth these days, so when I saw the young black woman chatting with a friend and sporting a beautifully coiffed afro I just had to say something:

"Juste pour vous dire mademoiselle que j'adore vos cheveux"

She beamed a big smile right back and said:

"Oh merci Madame c'est tres gentil"

I just couldn't help it, plus I made her so happy when I said it.


Oscar

Nothing else to say except it's Oscar...


solitudes

Rural versus urban folk have always been drastically different in any country but the current US situation is particularly marked. There is a lifestyle divide but also a political one which pits what some describe as good old American values against urban liberal elitism.

This happened over a long period as the Republican party made major inroads into the midwest and the rural south where Democrats used to be in the majority. This contrast is so stark today that I am not sure there is a way to bridge the gap because it permeates all the way into the life mantra DNA.

Religious observance also separates the two groups which is something that does not endear one to the other. Perhaps this is what helps feed the anti-intellectual sentiment in the red states.

If there was ever a situation ripe for social unrest it is this one and, although it may not end in physical violence, in certain circles the resentment seems to border on it through being fed by fanning those internet echo chamber fl…