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like a candle

There’s no question that we learn something after experiencing pain. My breakup was like that in that it forced me to examine all my sacred cows; the things that couldn’t possibly apply to me. Then, after a while the wound becomes cauterized leaving some tougher skin behind and your standards for yourself change. You recast your thinking in a way that favors what you will and will not tolerate for yourself. You also never want to hurt someone else again.

There is no handbook for relationships just as there isn’t one for rearing children. You muddle your way through in the dark trying to do your best not to make a critical mistake and hope that the model you witnessed in your own parents helps you avoid the inherent pitfalls of life.

I have remade everything and have concluded that the road for a trans person is perhaps best walked on one’s own; unless of course a precious gift falls naturally into your lap without you looking. Identity is not something one can negotiate away because it is such an intrinsic part of the wiring; you couldn’t do it even if you wanted to. It is best to know yourself inside out before attempting to be with another and this is what I tell my children. I recommend they settle for a best friend who understands and appreciates them while recognizing that we are all imperfect creatures who will err on a constant basis. That person should also recognize that we are all self-contained beings who can become stifled in an environment of mistrust.

There should be a course given on how to choose something so important and yet we sometimes base ourselves on little more than chemistry that can be spent like a candle.

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  1. Yeah... I feel as if I've been down that road myself. Myself, I had a stroke when I was 39. (I am 55 now) However, I was heartened when you said that you don't want to hurt anyone any more. But that's not easy. It's damn hard. When I was 17, it seems so easy. However, I felt like I was in a constant battle with my psyche, that I would be letting my dear friends down.

    My aunt Cece had her suspicions; to her everlasting credit, she didn't really care. But still, I was deathly afraid. I left the faith (I was/am a Baha'i). Only recently, I joined again.

    The only 'suggestion' (for lack of a better term) I would make to you is not to get yourself too wrapped up in yourself. If there's an LGBT house nearby, please volunteer. You meet the world that way.

    Take care.

    Emily Shorette

    1. Good advice Emily but I am not looking for anything other than being myself and being happy. I will leave that to my children who have yet to really begin to live 😀


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