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at close range

I will admit to being a little hesitant before stepping out of my car and going into Louise's place but then I told myself not to worry. At worst, the Mary Kay representative would then get to meet what could possibly be her first transgender customer.

She greeted me at the door all smiles and consumately maquillaged. After some initial pleasantries, she then proceeded to tell me how she had envisioned our session going. This would involve removing my foundation and cleansing my skin. Now as clear of facial hair my face might be, it is not good enough under that close a scrutiny so I refrained from removing my foundation. She was fine with that and proceeded to show me other products.

By now I could tell that she didn't know I was trans and so I just went with it which was quite the confidence booster. A couple of times she referred to her male customers and what they do versus what we do and then I was more than certain. As a result I am now pretty much afraid of nothing in way of interactions at close range. I relaxed and was myself which wouldn't have been quite as possible in such a situation as little as a year ago when it would have been more stress inducing.

I am teaching myself the value of being yourself overriding concerns about passing. If you are read it matters less than inspiring confidence in the other person which counts for so much more.


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my last post

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When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion.

With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We are …


While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...

love of self

If you feel you are doing something wrong it shows. Your demeanor, body language and facial expression all conspire to betray you.

You are a clandestine "man in a dress"; you know it and everyone else can too. Your cover has been blown. I've been there and it's frustrating. The source goes back to your self image and the notion that you are somehow a freak of nature; and perhaps you are but what of it? the only way out is to embrace yourself fully and unconditionally. I don't mean to suggest that you are perfect but just that you were created this way and you need not seek forgiveness for it. You are a creation of God.

Misinterpreted religion is a big culprit in all this. These negative images of yourself came from reinforcement of stereotypes by ignorant people interpreting what is right and moral by their own barometer. You simply ingested the message and bought it as the gospel truth. Self confidence and critical thinking is the way out of your dilemma. It can…