My entire history of dysphoric feeling was whitewashed by a concious mind which refused to entertain reality and my pressure release valve episodes of childhood crossdressing attributed to folly. Now I look back and realize how crisp and clear it all was from a vantage point of self knowledge.
The human mind is capable of great subterfuge and we can talk ourselves in and out of things if we want it badly enough. The fact that I wasn't supposed to fail in my mission was enough to convince me that being in any way close to a transsexual wasn't a part of it. Today I have learned to trust my feelings and don't disregard my intuition any longer; getting rid of my sacred cows was a pivotal part of that achievement.
It didn't help that all I had back then was an encyclopedia to guide me with barely enough information to begin to wet my curiosity.