Skip to main content

the wall

At some point in our lives, most of us who are transgender hit the wall and for me that was in my early forties. I had reached a point where I could go no further and needed to get help because I was sinking. The years of suppression were finally taking their toll and I could not take another step. I came out to my then wife after which the entire life I had built to date began to unravel.

In retrospect that wasn’t a bad thing but at the time it wasn’t an easy thing to face. Who I thought I was supposed to be had been a lie and I was realizing to what extent I had buried my feelings to try and lead a “normal” life like everyone else.

More than 10 years later I have completely given up on the concept of living like others and am now in the process of building a new existence for myself which respects the person I have always been inside; this with the added complexity of undertaking it later in life. I am more open to change than at any point in my existence and the roadblocks I made for myself are almost all gone.

Hitting that wall is shocking and it shakes the foundations of your life, but it is what must happen if you are to wake from your denial.

Image result for the wall

Comments

  1. "Who I thought I was supposed to be had been a lie and I was realizing to what extent I had buried my feelings to try and lead a 'normal' life like everyone else."

    Well, I for one, would like to say that it has been an absolute pleasure to read your blog over the years, and "watch" you progress from hitting the wall to where you are now! The change in tone in your prose is palpable and delightful. I especially like how you have more than once reached an epiphany or plateau, announced that such would likely lead you to write less, only to follow up with even more frequent posts that reveal just how profound that epiphany or plateau was. You share more and more of your personal opinions, tastes and politics these days, and it's obvious that your self esteem and confidence have skyrocketed as you just share *you*. After all, that's what transition is, in essence. Transitioning from dysphoria, discomfort and shame to acceptance, confidence and happiness. From an inability to a talent for manifesting and expressing one's *self*. Changes in gender expression and/or anatomy, while focal, are ultimately incidental in my less-than-humble opinion.

    As for living a "normal" life, well, as Dr. Alfred Adler noted long ago , "The only 'normal' people are the ones you don't know very well."😉

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Caryn your input here has been nothing short of marvelous and I value it deeply. Thanks for coming along for the ride 😁

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

my last post

This will be my last blog post.

When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion.

With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We are …

epilogue

While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...
















love of self

If you feel you are doing something wrong it shows. Your demeanor, body language and facial expression all conspire to betray you.

You are a clandestine "man in a dress"; you know it and everyone else can too. Your cover has been blown. I've been there and it's frustrating. The source goes back to your self image and the notion that you are somehow a freak of nature; and perhaps you are but what of it? the only way out is to embrace yourself fully and unconditionally. I don't mean to suggest that you are perfect but just that you were created this way and you need not seek forgiveness for it. You are a creation of God.

Misinterpreted religion is a big culprit in all this. These negative images of yourself came from reinforcement of stereotypes by ignorant people interpreting what is right and moral by their own barometer. You simply ingested the message and bought it as the gospel truth. Self confidence and critical thinking is the way out of your dilemma. It can…