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negotiation

Relationships are an extremely tricky thing for a trans person and, not surprisingly, I have put years of thought into this topic. The conclusion I have reached is that it comes down to who you are. In other words, how much of your trans nature is part of your intrinsic identity.

Identity is not exactly a negotiable thing but if you fall on the side of the spectrum where your alternate expression of gender is sporadic then perhaps there is room for it. If, however you fall on the side approaching transsexualism, you as the trans person are suppressing and not negotiating.

There is no road map for such a difficult situation and those transwomen who partner with men are perhaps ending up with the more desirable results. There are cases where spouses stay with their husbands even after transition, but they are a small percentage.

For me it comes down to understanding who you are and deciding how much sacrifice will be made so you can be partnered with someone else. As a trans person who leans more towards transsexualism I realized over time that negotiation was slowly killing me inside and I could do it no longer.

So, decide who you are first and then partner and not the other way around which is something I wish I had understood earlier in my life

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Comments

  1. "For me it comes down to understanding who you are and deciding how much sacrifice will be made so you can be partnered with someone else."

    Huh? How much sacrifice you'd make?

    "...decide who you are first and then partner and not the other way around which is something I wish I had understood earlier in my life."

    Agree 100%, with both parts of the sentence. Since I'm out all the time I think this might be a little easier for me since they know who/what I am without my having to do as much informing. That said I have made some very close lesbian friends but no one to date thus far. I was very concerned about this until a couple of months ago. I don't know exactly why but now I'm just out and about as myself, doing whatever it is I'm doing, and certainly putting myself into situations where, who knows, I might meet someone... or make more friends!

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    Replies
    1. The first one is for people who dont transition Emma. There is always room provided the other person is willing to be with a trans person who might for example present full time but not have surgery. Many scenarios and many realities out there...

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  2. "transwomen who end up with men as partners are perhaps ending up with the more desirable results"

    Nah. I've been partnered with men post-transition; I've been partnered with women post-transition. I am as medically/physically transitioned as is possible. The key is inner happiness, not with whom you're partnered. Some men have driven bonkers, as have some women. Some men have been delightful partners. So have some women. There might be heteronormative privilege granted by society to a trans woman who is constantly mistaken for cis and who goes out on the town with her male partner, but I wouldn't trade the joy of being with a woman who is right for me for that privilege. Not for one second.

    "So, decide who you are first and then partner and not the other way around"

    A universal problem, not just for trans people. One of the advantages of being trans is that gender dysphoria forces us to confront these issues in a head on collision, while most cis people aren't even exposed to the notion that they should even think about it. Many nonetheless learn "who" they are after they have partnered, and that their partner is incompatible for them. Others feel "incomplete" without a partner, which in my admittedly less-than-humble opinion, is a pathological idea modern western culture causes people to internalize. Personally, I don't understand how *anyone* can have a successful partnership with another person if they don't first know *who* they are when single.

    And this is yet more progress Joanna! Keep it up, girl!! You rock!

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