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the reflection to come

At a certain point in time I hit a juncture where I didn't know which version of myself was the real one. Was the male presentation a cover up only to be able to make a living or was the female the less accurate one? Over time Joanna gained in strength to the point where I am sitting at a crossroad.

If I were completely convinced that I were, as Rhonda puts it, a two spirited person I would say so but I am not. I am instead looking honestly inwards because the concept is not entirely convincing when it comes to me. Hence, I am exploring whether the woman named Joanna isn't stronger and I am simply treading carefully towards an inevitability.

I don't want to play a game of fashion instead I want to be authentic and work through the remnants of my programming and the life decisions I have made with precision. For decades I played a game of denial where I couldn't possibly be transsexual but as I have come to understand that reality, its gravity permeates my thoughts.

Also if I were heavily enamored of the changing back and forth all would be settled by now but I am not. It doesn't entirely feel comfortable to me which is why I still reflect except, this time, I am devoid of all angst.

Is it possible to be transsexual and not transition? I don't know.

I got here through introspection and where I end up will be the result of the same.

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epilogue

While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...
















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"About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies.

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