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unification

If I were ever to fully transition would I miss the male? How does one flush out a stage character we have played most of our lives?

Those who were certain they were women early in life didn't hesitate. They knew what they had to do. On the other hand, those of us who are older and tried hard to ignore our gender dysphoria, have all that accumulated baggage to sort through.

There is no doubt that I have advanced at a snail's pace because I can look back and see the progression but there is still work to be done to know if I can live comfortably full time.

Would I miss playing that role I was taught to? And how would I incorporate some of him into my existence as a woman?

To a great degree I see the process not as a rejection but as an exercise in unification.


Comments

  1. Joanna, as part of my growth I'm now learning how to listen my core when evaluating yes vs. no decisions. It's tough for me as I have learned to protect myself by intellectualizing decisions, weighing pros and cons. For me this often means too much applying too much weight to how I perceive my decision will affect others and their opinions of me. Bottom line: it's important work to learn how to detect and listen to what our core is telling us.

    I'm certainly not advising you to transition or not. It's none of my business. As one who has entirely transitioned, I like it even though I know I don't pass nearly as well as you. I'm grateful, though, to live authentically without (much) regard to what others may think of me.

    On the "will I miss my maleness" question I must say this: as a woman there's nothing wrong with doing anything that you used to do. I love woodworking, carpentry, and my memories of off-road motorcycling adventures and competitions. That said, as a woman I also love not feeling any constraint in whatever activities I undertake. I even started a ballet exercise class last week. What joy to finally do something that's always been a dream too far.

    Now, though, I must return to working on my kitchen remodeling and construction project!

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    1. Thank you Emma so happy you are doing well 😉

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  2. "To a great degree I see the process not as a rejection but as an exercise in unification."

    Or, perhaps integration, but yeah, I think that's a valid paradigm.

    More to the point, though, this conundrum's answer, in my less-than-humble opinion, is no different from any of the others we face. It all boils down to what resonates in tune as "Self." If there are parts of you that you see as masculine, but are still parts of *you*, so what? That's just who Joanna is.

    I've often told people I'm a girly girl with a tomboy streak. I absolutely loved playing little league baseball as a kid, and were I not so arthritic, I'd still be out playing baseball today,. Captained my grad school co-ed softball team, actually. It's the *dysphoria* we're excising, not every last vestige of masculinity. What? Ya think there aren't cis women out there who have male sides? I assure you there are. :)

    Perhaps another valid and orienting paradigm is that of pure ontogeny. You're growing, and changing, and becoming. All the time. I suppose there might be some very self aware children out there, wisely not so eager to grow up, who might wonder something similar as they reach certain teenage milestones. Will I miss the child in me? What comes next is scary and new, and I know I have to go there, but do I necessarily give up the things I like about child-me to be an adult?

    How might you answer, say, an 11-year-old who asked you such questions?

    ;)

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    1. the hard thing in all of this for me was the fact that we operate in two gender in society and how was I going to fit in being both a man and woman in a society that expects you to be one or the other? you made a choice when young and now live as a woman who happens to have a masculine side which most women do. My dilemma for the longest times was: do I pick a side or do I continue to lead a sometimes schizophrenic existence in two roles? to some degree I am still living in that ambiguity which I expect may lead to some sort to conclusion or perhaps not.

      Are we constantly changing and evolving? you bet we are and I have noticed that has happened to me big time over the last number of years :)

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