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in the pink

The idea of a “Pink Fog” is about presupposing I don’t know what I am doing; that I have overstepped a boundary and need to reel myself in, but I always operated from the other direction where I tried to avoid being who I was and indulged it as little as possible while still trying to function in the conventional world.

I can see how for many of you in marriages this applies. You have promised to keep a balance between a life with a wife who wants a husband and having a foothold in a trans identity of some kind. This is very difficult to be sure and it ultimately didn’t work for me. I don’t think I have ever had an unrealistic perspective on things and my honoring of my identity has never had any traces of folly. I have always tried to only occupy the space as Joanna that I was able to and made sure to first take care of my responsibilities which were at their peak when I was married with young children.

Today I am in a much different position and I have more room to operate which is why I reflect on where to go. There has never been a fog but instead always lucid and clear thinking about how to manage things.

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  1. Of late my therapist has been advising me to try to pause thinking about things and follow what my body is telling me. With that in mind I'd say that my pink fog (aka gender euphoria) was screaming that this (whatever it was) was right for me, what my soul needed. What I had chalked up to some sort of fetish was my true self speaking through my body.

    The alternative is to try to think things through, endlessly pondering future ramifications, wondering if I will have made the right decision. Around and around, wash, rinse, repeat.

    Consider young children: they know what their body is telling them and without reservation they express themselves without any consideration for the future. They thus declare their gender identity without reservation until and unless they are shamed or otherwise put down.

    We are adults of course, and we do have consider decisions in a larger context. That said I suggest that listening to our bodies provides a very handy way to learn what we really want.

    1. Our problem as trans people is that many of us mistook our leanings for fetishes and disregarded our instincts as young children which were pure and innocent. Those were hard wired in us but were bred out through indoctrination. As we get older and learn to dismiss society we go back to that original state and then transition or find some alternate way to honour our identities. I am so glad that transition is working for you Emma 😁😁

    2. Agreed Emma. Gender Euphoria doesn't last anyway, as regular life sets in. And as we still listen to our bodies we don't necessarily feel euphoric, but content and correct. It's not like coming down from a bender and seeing the wreckage once sober. More like just admitting we've "done the math" and have found what's right for us, even if it isn't consistently heavenly, it isn't consistently hell anymore either. Sometimes thinking this through becomes an endless loop of torturous linguistics, when we've already found the answer to the question Society does not want us to know.


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