Musings from my everyday life...

This will be my last blog post. When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion. With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in. Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We

When I would use the ladies room, for years I wouldn't look up at anyone or start a conversation but today that's different story. I might look over at the lady next to me through the mirror and give her a smile or compliment her choice of lipstick. Sometimes it leads to a brief pleasant exchange and at worst I get a smile. The other day two tween girls were trying on some mascara and they were rambunctiously laughing at the results. "Do you need help girls?" They looked at me sheepishly through the mirror and saw me smiling. "Non madame merci" one of them said to me with a mischievous grin. I went on my merry way.

I met Halle this morning for brunch and I could kick myself for not asking the waitress to take a picture. But then that's what happens when you are absorbed in conversation. Needless to say we don't talk about the weather much when we meet. Looks like this will require one more meeting before she moves.

I have gotten to the point where I am way past being just comfortable presenting as Joanna. The best way I can describe it is that it increasingly feels like me; like she is the person I should have always been. Having lived so long in the male role and less than 10 years as both, I am now at a crossroads. But I don't want to jump into full time living as a woman without serious consideration given to consequences. This means primarily the impacts on my children although both seem to have given me the green light to be myself. While I ruminate I remain content because by comparison to the way i used to live before self acceptance, this is a magical time of my life. Simply recognizing you are gender dysphoric and always have been and treating it seriously has been the greatest improvement I could hope for. That video I featured about taking things one day at a time speaks volumes about where I am today. I soak in each moment and experience and I let the lessons contained therein

Tani saw me and came to give me a hug. "Hi Joanna how are you? I think I am going to get a job at the bank and get paid much more!" She was so excited and is so diligent at her job at the Starbucks that I know she will do great no matter where she goes. She is also going back to school and wants to become a photographer. "If I get the job I hope we can keep in touch" she tells me "Of course we can. You have my number so text me anytime you want" The next day I texted her to find out what happened and they loved her but they wanted her full time whereas she plans to go back to school. I advised her to go back to school and work somewhere else part time as she had already enrolled in the photography program. "Follow your dreams because life is short Tani" I texted "Thank you so much for your advice Joanna" she texted back. But she didn't need me to tell her what she already knew she had to do.