chicken and the egg...

Which comes first? The deviant crossdressing behavior which turns into obsession and pathology or the desire to be female which starts the crossdressing which then develops the odd pattern of behavior? I don't even know if I have put the question correctly.

Back when I first came out to my sister (who is dogmatically religious) she could not accept that I was a crossdresser. She read some websites about people who had been "cured" through some kind of behavior modification therapy and beat the dreaded vice. So for my sister I had a habit that could be cured. All I had to do was pray and read the right things and talk myself out of it somehow.

What I tried to explain to her over several weeks was that this was not a habit that one picks up for fun. No one wants to be different or have to hide because they have a socially unacceptable behavior. So we conform and we purge and we deny. We marry in denial and the dam bursts one day and all falls to pieces right in front of us.

I used to think that this was "cureable" and that the behavior could be modified because I was weak and needed to get stronger. But I was doing what my brain wiring wanted me to do. I was acting on my desire to be girly and feminine. At least part of the time.

But because we get slapped down early we learn to hide and conform. This starts us on the road to secretive and pattern behavior that is sporadic and obsessive because the circumstances demand that it be so. We learn to hide our disphoria and go underground instead of finding a healthy comfortable flow of expression which suits where our brain wiring wants to take us.

Is there biology in this? I'm almost certain that there is. No proof but my instinct tells me I'm right

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