Skip to main content

I've made a choice

I have (for better or worse) made a choice; and that choice is to be myself. In the past I made compromises for the sake of society, religion, friends and family which led me to stiffle my different way of being to my own detriment. I am not suggesting that anyone forced me into this situation; quite the opposite - I did what I thought I should be doing in order to measure up to expectation. My own shyness and insecurity likely also linked to needing to keep this part of myself an absolute secret, created a shell around me which kept my natural personality stiffled. Too much for a young person to bear I fear and I hope my own children never suffer in silence the way I did. I would like to think that they would come to me with something like this and I would be there to help them. I've been there.

So this choice to be myself will limit my chances to find someone to share my life with but in return I will have a peace of mind and spirit that will hopefully compensate. In the end we need to be true to ourselves no matter what the consequences because the burden on the psyche is simply too much to bear.

Today I will meet both M and E for a little female bonding. I do need that these days.


  1. Joanna -

    So do you still make compromises? Specifically, are there any parts of your life where the "Joanna Side" has to be kept hidden?

    In my case, I will not make my my family aware of the "Marian Side" of my personality unless I decide to make a full transition. And of course, my job will not be made aware of this either. Beyond that, whoever knows, knows. It isn't worth my time to hide who and what I am.

    The other day, I decided to out myself - and make someone smile. My laundry reguarly goes to a laundromat for wash/dry/fold, and the lady behind the counter is being eased out of this part time job. (She has a full time job, but her boss doesn't like her lifestyle choices.) So she needed a laugh, and I gave it to her. I told her over that she guessed my secret - and proceeded to the laundromat to pick up my laundry. When I entered the place in Marian mode, she didn't recognize me until I started walking towards the back, towards her - and she figured out what I meant.... And then she almost went in her pants, as she was laughing so hard....

    Later on, she told me that she wouldn't have guessed anything - except that I gave her warning. We knew that another person who knew me in boy mode was coming - so we decided to spring Marian on her as well. And this gal got it quicker - but only when I opened my mouth....

    But do you find that once you're signaling "female", that you are perceived as female subconsciously, and that people forget your non-female traits once interacting with you in conversation?


  2. The answer is absolutely yes Marian. Once I am in female mode I am transmitting female and once comfortable in that knowledge I am extremely comfortable. I never used to think that was possible but now I revel in that knowledge. I even go to dress stores as a woman and try on dresses, engage in conversation with other ladies and no one is the wiser except me...


Post a comment

Popular posts from this blog

my last post

This will be my last blog post.

When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion.

With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We are …


While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...

love of self

If you feel you are doing something wrong it shows. Your demeanor, body language and facial expression all conspire to betray you.

You are a clandestine "man in a dress"; you know it and everyone else can too. Your cover has been blown. I've been there and it's frustrating. The source goes back to your self image and the notion that you are somehow a freak of nature; and perhaps you are but what of it? the only way out is to embrace yourself fully and unconditionally. I don't mean to suggest that you are perfect but just that you were created this way and you need not seek forgiveness for it. You are a creation of God.

Misinterpreted religion is a big culprit in all this. These negative images of yourself came from reinforcement of stereotypes by ignorant people interpreting what is right and moral by their own barometer. You simply ingested the message and bought it as the gospel truth. Self confidence and critical thinking is the way out of your dilemma. It can…