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first therapy session

Yesterday's meeting with Helene (my new therapist) went well. I find her kind and inviting. She was also, not unexpectedly, well versed in the latest literature on the subject of AGP, GID et al. and is more up to speed on the latest thinking. She actually told me that Ray Blanchard has progressed in his ideas since his early 90's writings - something which surprised me. She also (quite rightly) told me she was not there to decide anything or convince me of anything and that I should not trust her until she has earned that trust. She was also shocked that I had progressed to where I was with little to no help. Helene thought I had been on hormones for years but I quickly dispelled that while taking it as a distinct compliment.

So I am there for group and individual therapy and that's all; I know I need to clear up my thoughts and to do that I need help so that's good.

By now I feel that my crossdressing is a symptom of a desire to be feminine and, as jingles commented recently on one of my posts, a way to get a sense of well being. Over time my mental definition of my behavior as a fetish activity has been destroyed. I now believe I was using that connection as a way to attempt to control it. After all if it was only fetish then all I need do is dampen my impulses. But then in failing, my efforts were rewarded with constant frustration.

But putting my dressing into the context of GID, it raises the stakes. While it removes the culpability and shame, it introduces a new complexity in the level of management required. It can only be effective when I have exorcised all of my demons; the do's and dont's I have ingested all my life. With those barriers removed I can look at my disphoria with more objectivity; hopefully all the more in a group therapy setting where your sacred cows are openly questioned by others.

So I left the session with Helene heartened and positive.
I followed that up with this morning's discussion with HR. It went extremely well and it was explained to me that, should I feel the need to opt for transition, the company would stand behind me.

It was very cathartic to be able to hear that.

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