Skip to main content

hell bent on self destruction....

Perhaps some of my posts talk about my female persona in a way that might give the impression that I am putting on an act when I'm being Joanna. In fact quite the opposite is true in that I am being myself in the purest sense by lifting the mask that I've learned to wear over my lifetime. I become less inhibited and open up to people more and feel a true sense of freedom. I'm not being an actor in a play but simply letting my inner femininity shine through. It's been very liberating to do that.

On the other hand there's something not right. I can't put my finger on it yet but this is all too compulsive. So I'm either a woman in denial or a compulsive crossdresser. Either one of those choices suck because I want to be neither. I want not to need to crossdress. But I've tried everything and living alone and giving myself permission to dress has created a monster. Women don't need to crossdress, they just get dressed.

And meanwhile I'm stuck in a TG wasteland with nowhere to go and at the root dissatisfied with the double life. I should be happy to have found balance but I am not really enthused. At least living alone is proving to be ok as well as setting my mind on the idea that this is the best thing for a person like me.

Anne Lawrence thinks she is ill and her solution was to transition. Strange recipe with someone who self diagnoses as having AG. The whole thing is mighty confusing to me as Anne goes to great lengths on her website to show that many late transitioning transsexuals have AG. So where does that leave me in finding some peace? Not sure.

Today I had horrible disphoria - so bad that I emailed my doctor to let him know I need to see him early in the new year about this issue.

It's like one of the transitioners that I know who used the phrase to describe her own situation ",it was either a bullet or a dress". That phrase has stayed with me for months now because sometimes I feel it applies to me. Almost as if fighting were futile in the end. How I hate being this confused.

Comments

  1. "Women don't need to crossdress, they just get dressed."

    Yes. You are correct. We dress based on what is approprite for the activities of our upcoming day, (or evening). It ha nothing to do with "presenting" or "expressing our femininity".

    Sometimes we dress to be practical. Sometimes we'll put in a bit more effort to accentuate our feminine charms. HOW we dress has nothing to do with how female or 'womanly' we feel.

    Interesting that you understand how Lawrence understands, accepts and deals with her "illness". I am not sure "illness" is a term that I would use, but I might consider the term, 'pathology'.

    Nevertheless, "...I'm either a woman in denial or a compulsive crossdresser", is a valid and very criticl observation. Sadly, the very cold hard truth is that there is no easy answer.

    Either path is most difficult and there are no guarantees of a successful resolution. Finding a good knowledgeable counselor is your best hope of survival. As you have observed, wallowing in a "TG wasteland" is just a recipe for disaster.

    As always, you have my best, (and...my email).
    AQV

    ReplyDelete
  2. I will use the email to be sure....thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh and I do believe that I dress the part for the occasion AQV. You won't find me in the mall in a cocktail dress but I am just a shade more feminine in my presentation than a lot of women. As I have read many TS observe that it's almost like a little compensation for all those years of repression. I am not suicidal either even if I use that bullet quote, I just feel like swimming upstream is getting tiring.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men. Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting. If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself: "About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies. The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was t

my last post

This will be my last blog post. When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion. With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in. Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We

Never Say Never....

 I was certain that I would never post here again and yet, here I am. It’s been several years, and life has changed me yet again. I have burrowed further into my psyche to discover more internal truths about myself all in the silence of a life lived with more periods of reflective solitude than ever before. After attempting for many years to be a problem solver for others, I needed to dig deeply to discover who I was, which should be a necessity for all people and an absolute imperative for those of us who dare rub against the grain of conventional society. The most important thing we can do for ourselves is honor the internal voice which has driven us since childhood. That whisper which we were compelled to ignore through our initial indoctrination must be listened to again for guidance. I knew I had spent too long heeding messaging that wasn’t working for me as a trans person, and it was time to stop. For the world gleefully basks in a level ignorance and hypocrisy we are not abl