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end of the year thoughts...

Despite my occasional optimism, I am doubtful that I can successfully pair off with another person at this stage of my life; most especially due to the advanced state with my dual male/female existence, I sometimes feel it's no longer a realistic scenario to imagine that a woman exists that would find such a lifestyle palatable. I have also romanticised my previous life with my girlfriend and have forgotten how bad it could be at times. I don't regret meeting her or sending her flowers because at least it closes that chapter of my life in a more graceful way than the way things ended 5 months ago. Might there still be a chance for us? Possibly yes but there would need to be a meeting of the minds plus no cohabitation until my kids are older.

I am no longer willing to sacrifice joanna to fit into someone else's idea of what my gender presentation should be; even if the expectation of a traditional gender role is entirely normal for a biological woman. So if something must be sacrificed in order to maintain my personal balance, it will need to be the relationship. After all it is easier for me to control my own destiny as a solo act.

I'm not a crossdresser. It goes deeper than that for me but just not deep enough to tamper with my body. Firstly, there would be no point at this stage in my life and secondly, my GID is more or less manageable. Aside from the relationship compromise it's not making me unhappy so that's my litmus test for the status quo. I suppose it's all relative compared to where I came from which was a place of guilt and shame.

As I was writing this post having my coffee, one of the girls I buy cosmetics from came up to me and said joyfully: "hi princess!!". I was overjoyed to hear it. She sat down for a few minutes and chatted about the things women chat about. It was really lovely and nourished the female part of my soul.

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