more lessons still to learn

I need to work on myself in another area - self forgiveness. I need to cut myself some slack and allow myself to make errors; errors which are less about mistakes than giving in to my natural character. I got so accustomed to refraining from being happy by holding myself back, that it has become a natural reflex to feel negative. My guilt over expressing my feminine side openly was so vehemently prohibited, that I could never allow more than a few days of yearly crossdressing to soothe my desires. Once satiated I needed to destroy all evidence in a frantic purge.

As much as those inhibitions are apparently gone, there remains some resident guilt. That is in fact the hardest thing to get rid of. But I persevere and will hope that 2013 removes another layer of old wallpaper in the room that is my mind.

Another issue is passing. Since I am used to generally passing well, I tend to get a little freaked out when I don't. I am getting better at this but still have a ways to go. I am also still daydreaming about being with someone again which is a mistake. That is improving over time as I get used to living on my own.

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One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men. Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting. If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself: "About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies. The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was t

epilogue

While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not). When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it. I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while. Be well all of you.... sample pages...

my last post

This will be my last blog post. When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion. With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in. Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We

Musings from my everyday life...

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