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the next challenge....

The next series of steps have to do with balance. Balance in life is crucial in order to maintain harmony of mind, body and soul. Now that I have come to an understanding of what I am, I need to figure out what space my being trans needs to occupy in my life. Is my ultimate goal to live mostly as Joanna or is it more of a split between male and female? I don't have the answers yet but I do know that I am going to enjoy the process of discovery instead of spending my time hand wringing and stressing over it. The answer will come naturally and organically and I don't need to pressure myself into anything now.

N and I are off but maybe on; i don't really know. But I can't worry about that now as I did before; after all I was trying to fit myself into her expectation of a male and keeping Joanna as invisible as possible. So invisible that her seeing me dressed was something that terrified me for fear it would turn her off having feelings for me as a mate. That plus trying to raise my children at a distance was producing an unacceptable level of stress in my life. I was accoustomed to stress, however, so it did not register with me until I had my outbursts which she claimed to be verbal abuse. It probably was and I am addressing that now with these sessions. I will see where that goes as it can only help me to be a better person.

For now this feeling of complete liberation feels right. I am living for me not for someone else (save my children of course). I will not bring them into my gender issues as I made a choice to be a father and a father I must be to them. They did not ask for a gender confused person for a parent and I will shield them from it at least until they are old enough to be independent and on their feet emotionally and financially. After that they can decide just how much of my female persona they see. Since I am choosing to forego hormones or surgery that is an option I can comfortably pursue without trouble. I must say that I found it heartening when my prospective therapist Helene thought I had been on hormones for years. That and my continued success passing in public as a woman has sealed my decision. It does not matter what I call myself it only matters that I am following my nature as a human being who is different and created by God like everyone else.

I know this blog has tended to drone on in a circle at times. I am aware of this flaw. It is the flaw that comes with the stream of conciousness that comes from my heart and soul being annotated instantly. Therapy is like this and it has helped me enormously to be able to do this. I am moving from understanding what I have to just living. I want to be at a place where I just exist with this difference and no longer feel any angst. I feel I am getting very close to achieving this.

This blog will not be about what I wear or my choice of lipsticks and while I don't criticize those who do this, I find that I would lose interest in writing these things down. Therefore when I no longer feel that this blog is of use to me or to anyone else, it will cease to exist.

Comments

  1. Joanna -

    You are starting to ask the right questions, from what I can see in your opening paragraph. Congratulations!

    Don't worry about "N".... There are more than enough women who are not threatened by us trans folk. But it takes a lot of time to find them. If I recall right, she wanted no part of you - so accept that for now. If she wants to come back, let her. But if not - don't pursue it - to be safe.

    Regarding your family - you have the right idea - the kids don't need to know about your trans nature until they are able to handle it. It would be different if you had Chloe Prince's life. But neither of us are that lucky....

    And I agree - when a blog ceases to be useful - don't write it.... You'll notice that in my blog, more time is spent discussing feelings and events, and not as much what I was wearing. But I know that holds some people's interest *and* it provides help for those "timid" people who are afraid to go out in the world by showing someone who does just that.... You'll know when the time is right to blog and not to blog.

    Marian

    ReplyDelete
  2. Marian,

    Thanks for your feedback. I hope I am indeed asking the right questions because these days I am feeling very lucid about things. I am not sure about doing the work to find the right woman as this is precisely what I don't want to do. I just want to live and not waste time in what could be a futile undertaking. If it comes on it's own and all the pieces fit then I will let things happen organically. The older people get the more baggage they bring with them andI have plenty of my own lol!......

    ReplyDelete
  3. Marian,

    Thanks for your feedback. I hope I am indeed asking the right questions because these days I am feeling very lucid about things. I am not sure about doing the work to find the right woman as this is precisely what I don't want to do. I just want to live and not waste time in what could be a futile undertaking. If it comes on it's own and all the pieces fit then I will let things happen organically. The older people get the more baggage they bring with them andI have plenty of my own lol!......

    ReplyDelete

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