N and I are off but maybe on; i don't really know. But I can't worry about that now as I did before; after all I was trying to fit myself into her expectation of a male and keeping Joanna as invisible as possible. So invisible that her seeing me dressed was something that terrified me for fear it would turn her off having feelings for me as a mate. That plus trying to raise my children at a distance was producing an unacceptable level of stress in my life. I was accoustomed to stress, however, so it did not register with me until I had my outbursts which she claimed to be verbal abuse. It probably was and I am addressing that now with these sessions. I will see where that goes as it can only help me to be a better person.
For now this feeling of complete liberation feels right. I am living for me not for someone else (save my children of course). I will not bring them into my gender issues as I made a choice to be a father and a father I must be to them. They did not ask for a gender confused person for a parent and I will shield them from it at least until they are old enough to be independent and on their feet emotionally and financially. After that they can decide just how much of my female persona they see. Since I am choosing to forego hormones or surgery that is an option I can comfortably pursue without trouble. I must say that I found it heartening when my prospective therapist Helene thought I had been on hormones for years. That and my continued success passing in public as a woman has sealed my decision. It does not matter what I call myself it only matters that I am following my nature as a human being who is different and created by God like everyone else.
I know this blog has tended to drone on in a circle at times. I am aware of this flaw. It is the flaw that comes with the stream of conciousness that comes from my heart and soul being annotated instantly. Therapy is like this and it has helped me enormously to be able to do this. I am moving from understanding what I have to just living. I want to be at a place where I just exist with this difference and no longer feel any angst. I feel I am getting very close to achieving this.
This blog will not be about what I wear or my choice of lipsticks and while I don't criticize those who do this, I find that I would lose interest in writing these things down. Therefore when I no longer feel that this blog is of use to me or to anyone else, it will cease to exist.