Although I have accepted my right to cross dress as being a fundamental requirement in effectively dealing with my GID and quell any thoughts of transition, I still need to rein it in somehow so that it does not control my life.
For a number of months now I have been coming home, immediately converting to Joanna mode and heading out the door. Although I have seen hopeful signs that this is starting to slow down (for example yesterday I left work, ran an errand in male mode and stayed that way for the rest of the evening) it has still been the overwhelming thing on my mind besides my children.
So there is work to be done because if I am going to accept this behaviour as part of my norm I need to be the one who pulls the strings and have it less feel like feeding a nicotine habit. Make no mistake that cross dressing can become addictive as it is fun and challenging, however it can pretty much take over to the exclusion of everything else if you let it.
So this is my next challenge and I am hoping that I can meet it.
I am beginning to understand my brain patterns better now and am observing the ebb and flow of my emotions. Hopefully this will give me insight on how to optimally balance my behaviour so that it is me deciding when the hunger should be fed.
I am also hoping that the last 7 months are part of a honeymoon phase with my cross dressing that I never had. I spent over 4 decades trying to suppress what for me are natural instincts and have now removed the lid of the genie bottle. It is understandable that such a thing should happen. I need to give myself a break and permit myself to re adjust and find new balance.
Of course not having other distractions has not helped either. I live alone and it is easier to turn to my dressing as a diversion since I now know people exclusively as Joanna. It is a way to socialize while at the same time indulging one of my great pleasures.
Still, as I have said, there may be hopeful signs of late that I m have satiated the tiger. I now hope and pray that my own sense of logic and intelligence will help me to dose out the cross dressing activity in more measured and strategic batches. This way I will feel that I am in control of it instead of the opposite.
Let’s see what the coming gmonths bring.