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keeping up appearences

I had my yearly physical yesterday. My doctor knows I'm transgendered and so , besides taking my blood sample and checking vital signs, we discussed where I am in life with all this. Interestingly he immediately zeroed in on the main crux - my marriage ended over this and now a second one (at least partially). He wanted to know if I intended to spend the rest of my life alone. I started to almost cry as he had really nailed it. I guess I have not really given up hope entirely about finding companionship. After composing myself for a moment I answered that if it came down to my mental health or suppressing my trans nature to be with a woman I would choose to stay sane.

I am still working at voiding myself of the pairing instinct in order to become truly whole. This work needs to be done in order to fully understand myself. Because even if I have abandoned the idea of physical transition, I am still weighing life transition. I might one day desire to live and work full time as the woman I am.

The truth is that as I spend more time living as joanna I am noticing an interesting phenomenon - it's always been hard work for me to be a male. I have had to actively work at creating a facade to meet expectation. This does not happen when I am joanna because I AM joanna. Admitting that you've been a failure as a male is not something to feel ashamed about. After all I've never been wired for it so I had to work extra hard in order not to let others see that I was really female. The problem these days is that I'm tired of working at that facade.

Case in point:

Last evening there was a happy hour for an employee who was leaving the firm. Whereas I never attend these events I accepted this one as I felt I should and this employee had been 8 years with the firm. We ended up at a trendy place with lots of beautiful people and even more beautiful waitresses.

Suddenly I was that awkward boy at the high school dance all over again wishing I was the pretty girl in the dress and heels. Sure enough a well endowed tall bombshell of a waitress approached me to ask what I wanted to drink. She was in a tight fitting black dress and matching pumps. I wished I was her even as I was taken by her striking image. I socialized awkwardly with people half my age and although I was glad I went and enjoyed myself, I was struck by how much effort it takes to play the male me.

The evening stayed with me as I drifted off to sleep last night. My doctor wonders how I am going to balance life between two worlds. I told him I did not know either but that I would find out one day at a time.

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love of self

If you feel you are doing something wrong it shows. Your demeanor, body language and facial expression all conspire to betray you.

You are a clandestine "man in a dress"; you know it and everyone else can too. Your cover has been blown. I've been there and it's frustrating. The source goes back to your self image and the notion that you are somehow a freak of nature; and perhaps you are but what of it? the only way out is to embrace yourself fully and unconditionally. I don't mean to suggest that you are perfect but just that you were created this way and you need not seek forgiveness for it. You are a creation of God.

Misinterpreted religion is a big culprit in all this. These negative images of yourself came from reinforcement of stereotypes by ignorant people interpreting what is right and moral by their own barometer. You simply ingested the message and bought it as the gospel truth. Self confidence and critical thinking is the way out of your dilemma. It can…