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the meaning of love

I am fascinated by love. I think I should be more specific in saying that I refer to love in the context of a romantic relationship. You see, I thought my wife loved me and then I thought that my ex-girlfriend loved me. But to what extent was that true? I know that recently I asked my ex-girlfriend to remove some Facebook photos which were tagged with loving comments because in light of our breakup they now seemed hypocritical to me. She defended the photos staying put by claiming that this is the way she felt at the time. So that’s what love is like the tap on the faucet that one just switches off? It is this type of response from her and other discussions that made me finally start to take the bloom off the rose in my view of our relationship. I felt duped and betrayed. How could she so easily do an about face when I had not?

My ex-wife was much the same thing. I was in the hospital for 10 days in emergency with a tear in my carotid artery. She came to visit me for an hour in all of that time – prompting grumblings from my family. They even offered to bring her to the hospital and look after our kids but she declined. It was the beginning of my realisation of how bad things had gotten with us.

So my feelings about romantic love are not very upbeat I am afraid. I know I love my children, my mother and my siblings but the rest I am far less sure about. In fact knowing how many friends and colleagues are either going through the motions or staying together comfortably for the sake of the status quo or the children, I am far more cynical about the possibilities that a true love can actually exist.

There are exceptions like the blog called “Yes She is my Husband” which honestly astounds me with its true representation of what love truly is and can be. Here is an example of love that transcends physiology and is actually based on loving an individual for who they are. Really quite something considering I was removed from a marriage for simply crossdressing and my recent girlfriend not long ago in an email referred to me as a “man in a dress”.

Don’t get me wrong, I am realistic about things and understand I should not have expected my partners to stand up and cheer for how I am. I just thought that there are worse things out there than a man who dresses like a woman a few times a week.

So my faith in relationships has taken a serious hit and as I have said before I am past the point of having stars in my eyes about how life could be. It’s just that now that I have forgiven myself for being the way I am, I now realize that it’s not such a dramatic thing in the end. I was not then nor am I now seeking to transition.
So forgive my cynicism. You may be one of those fortunate ones out there but my experience tells me that it’s at best a crap shoot and the only person you can count on is yourself. Searching has led me nowhere and that is what I am committed to following as a modus operandi. Do not hope nor search and let life flow along with you staying as balanced and content as you can. If it’s meant for you it will come, otherwise let it go.

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