living honestly

You can't be partnered to a fraud and that's basically what I've been for most of my life. Being truly myself is something I am still working on today and deconstructing the false reality you have fabricated requires time and effort.

Yesterday I got together for a drink with my closest friend of almost 30 years. He now knows about joanna but has never seen her. God bless him in that he told me he would not have any trouble seeing me in that mode. We are both divorced and he is testing the waters with the online dating scene. We shared our ideas on this topic and I expressed my opinion in that I am forgoing this process altogether. I really made him more aware of what a dilemna I am up against. I don't think he fully understood it before.

Last night at home I thought about it some more. I realized that although I will have my lonely days and get down sometimes, I really must stick to my game plan of just living and being me. I am still not certain who that person is yet so until I figure that out, the best thing is to remain alone.

Besides, I am not convinced that suppressing joanna is something I can do anymore to the liking of conventional women. Finding that elusive partner that not only accepts but celebrates Joanna would be an frustrating and energy sapping exercise.

I need to live my life and I don't want to defraud myself with illusions. But I am noticing slow but steady improvement in regaining my life balance and finding out who I truly am. It will just take more time.

Happy Easter to all of you!

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