same road for a while.....

It's amazing how my personality has blossomed once I started to relax and be myself. Don't get me wrong - I know that maturity has a hand to play in this. However, when you are carrying a weight on your shoulders all of your life, putting it down feels really good. I did not know better before because that load was something I carried as part of my everyday existence.

Now in retrospect I see it all.

At least I'm not so old that there can't be some quality living left in me. Even if my main focus is the welfare of my children, I can't provide for them properly if I myself am not balanced and happy.

My mother (God bless her) told me the other day that if I were young and did not have children, she would do everything in her power to assist me to transition. Not bad for an enlightened 76 year old. She really gets it now and sympathizes with my life long battle with disphoria.

So now I just continue status quo until something else needs to happen. If nothing needs to change, I will do nothing. My life will be lived as a series of fine tunings and adjustments.

I will definitely, definitely not look for love either. If it's meant to come for me I will welcome it with open arms. It just can't be at the expense of everything I have achieved with Joanna. I feel that if I let her wilt, then the rest of me will go with her. I cannot allow that to happen and why there cannot be a search. Right now I am neither fully male nor fully female. It would be an understatement to say that this is just not for everyone.

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